I like to play Clean House. I LOVE that show (on Style network with Niecy Nash and her crew). I love to go through my kids toys and clothes and pile up all the stuff that they don’t play with or that doesn’t fit then tag it for a yard sale. I feel so accomplished when I do this. I actually pretend that Niecy is there and I am hanging on to a favorite item, like a stuffed animal or a bin full of VHS tapes of As The World Turns. I will actually cry and explain why I NEED to keep these useless items. Ofcourse, I am all alone and there is no camera crew, no Niecy to bargain with, no Matt to fix it, Trish to sell it or Mark to decorate it. I get to play all the parts. It’s fun really.
I should probably get out more, but whatever. It’s a grown up game…not like I am playing with the kid’s barbies or something. I mean, sorting them, dressing them and then setting up the barbie house exactly like I like it is NOT really playing…it is more like organizing. But I have to be in the mood to do these chores. Yesterday was one of those days when I was in the mood. I tackled the 11 year old’s room. Good Lord, Niecey would have given it a “Mayhem and Foolishness”…I wound up with 4 full bags of garbage, 2 bags of clothes for donation and 2 bags for yard sale day. I was feeling so very free from clutter!!! I organized what she had left in her room just like Trish does, I fixed her dresser handles like Matt would and I made her bed which is my tribute to Mark.
I was feeling pretty good about my homemaking skills by that point so I decide that I will start on dinner. Spiedie chicken, salt potatoes and corn on the cob. That is what comfort food means to me. I slap some chicken in the pan with the spiedie sauce, turn the stove on high and proceed to chat with my 15 year old about her grades. I had to speak with her math teacher earlier in the day. I was giving the 15 year old a pretty good talking to, complete with “How do you expect to succeed in life” and ” You need to take this more seriously” and the history making “Shape up or it’s summer school for you!” I was purposely ignoring the food on the stove, giving the impression( I believe) that I am in total control of the situation (the situation being the 15 year old and her grades AND the food on the stove).Things started bubbling and hissing …. on the stove…the 15 year old was just giving me The Look.
There is clouds of steam billowing and water splashing over the edges of pots and sizzling. I casually turn on the fan above the stove. I think at a level 1, and I go back to the “These grades go on your permanent record” part of my speech. All of the sudden, the fire alarm goes off. Now, to give you an idea of what happened the last time the fire alarm went off in my house please read http://ellie072.wordpress.com/2010/03/09/35/ Back already? Ok, so what do you think would be my first move when the smoke alarm goes off? Shut off the stove? No…YOU didn’t click the link!!
My first reaction is to grab the dog! I yell for the center child to run quick and get the dog out of the house!! Next, I head straight for the key pad and begin punching in every single combination of numbers that might possibly relate to me. I am yelling at the 15 year old to answer the phone. She yells back that it wasn’t ringing. I was just hoping it was ringing and that it was the securities lady who would tell me the code to shut off the damn alarm. And the littlest kid is standing there, in the middle of the kitchen with a look of pure terror. FINALLY the securities lady calls and gives me the code. She said she was going to try to cancel the fire department dispatch, but I can hear the horn, the fire department is only 2 blocks away from my house.
And have I shut off the stove yet? No. Is the chicken still burning away? Yes. Did the dog make it outside before he became literally “sacred poopless?” why, yes, yes he did!! Score one for Suzy Homemaker!!! I finally remembered the stove, shut it off. The fireman came to the door and asked if I was trying to cook dinner again. To which I sheepishly replied “yes.” And this, my oh so wise friends who think I am insane for always going to restaurants because it is so expensive, is why we eat out.
P.S. The dog pooped 6 times AS he was running up the block away from the house. The center child accidently slid in one pile of poop while chasing him to get him home. Luckily this did not result in a trip to the ER, only a trip to the shower. Just another day in the life of Me….