Monthly Archives: May 2010

You Should Be Bisexual…


wonder how much that dog costume cost...anything for a laugh.

it would increase your chances. There you are, walking down the street, minding your own business  when all of the sudden a car full of teens round the corner and screams this at you? What if you heard “Jesus Loves You….ALL of you….except you in the blue…you’re going to Hell!!!”  What if you happened to be the one in blue? I can only imagine the esteems we crushed as we drove around the local college campus screaming these meaningless, silly things at random people walking. Yup, this is how we entertained ourselves before drugs ever entered the picture.

Really, for us who were IN the car, it was all harmless fun. In the spring, we would bring along water guns and balloons and soak unsuspecting victims. All fun and games until you launch a water balloon and it bursts INSIDE an Iroc Z and the driver was all hyped up on Roids and booze. He looked liked a jerky guy from a John Hughes film. He was NOT amused. At all. Many wet people were not amused. Many wet, unamused people believed they could outrun our car. I only remember one who actually did catch us and it was because of a stop sign. We were goofballs, but we always obeyed the rules of the road. Lucky for us, the car had manual roll up windows. If we had to wait for an electric roll up window we might have died that night. All for a little squirt of water, can you imagine?

Every so often, one of us would bring along the video camera so as to capture the hilarious-ness. Around and around the 4 blocks we would go, singing along to the radio at the top of our lungs while hanging out the windows. Squirting people….with water. IT’S ONLY WATER!!! We were bound to get busted sooner or later. Because really, the general public has no sense of humor. Or maybe because we were kind of annoying….no….cause society needs to lighten up!!

 We pulled up to a stop light on a  beautiful summer evening, windows down, radio crankin the oldies station and a cop pulled up next to us. Ofcourse we turned to look at him, with our video camera in hand, and our award-winning smiles. To our surprise, he smiles back and says “Hello girls, we JUST got a call in to the station about a car full of kids, driving around campus, squirting people and filming it….you wouldn’t know anything about that would you?”  Seriously? Some one called the cops on us? We slowly lowered the camera and looked the cop right in the eye and said “No sir.” He said ” That’s funny, they described the car you are in right now, and it seems you have a video camera, and are those water guns on the dashboard?” My friend, being the most clever one, said ” Obviously this is a set up, officer. We’ve been framed.” My other friend said “What a co-inky dink!!” The officer replied with “I see. Well, then you girls be very careful out there tonight. You would not want to get wet, or filmed by a bunch of renegade water squirting video taping crazies. Or be mistaken for them and get a ticket for disorderly conduct!” And with those words of warning, he drove away. And we breathed a sigh of relief and squirted the guy in the car next to us.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all those who we harmed with our obnoxious behavior and our water balloon shenanigans. I would also like to acknowledge all those who laughed along with us. I would like to present the Funniest Group Of People Waiting For A Bus Award to the people waiting for a bus who lowered their heads and simultaneously flipped us off on our 4th drive by…because that was hysterical.

There were many who did engage with our silliness, more who did than didn’t. This was a “pre 9/11” world and people were far more tolerant of idiocy back then. Today, no doubt, that cop would have us arrested and thrown away the key just for being obnoxious kids. When was the last time you saw ANYONE doing a chinese fire drill at a stoplight? And if you did, you know it scared you. You know you  at least contemplated calling the police. I don’t believe we will ever get back the innocence lost. And that is ok, that is the way it is. But whether I am IN the car or ON the street, I will remember to laugh at the stupidity and randomness of the other people in this world. Feel free to do the same. When a car full drives by me and yells “Hello fans!!! Hello!!! I LUV you!!! Each and every one of you….YOU MADE ME WHAT I AM TODAY!!!!” I will blow them a kiss and wave. If I get mooned by a bunch of guys while driving down the highway, I will laugh and beep.

Make the arm motion at the Big Rig Guy so he blows his horn. Press your face up against the window with a sign that says “The Farts Are Killing Me”. Pull up to that red light with your finger half way up your nose,then slowly turn and look at the guy next to you. Spread the love, share the laugh, enjoy the moment. If we can’t talk or text, then engage with all the other people on the road…BE a random act. Lubes, Lugs and Sparkplugs!!!




love in all it's glory

I love people. There are so many characters out there. I went to yoga the other day and in walks a guy, older, with a head band, huge square glasses, wristbands and shiny shorts. He had on a tank top and fanny pack with tube socks to complete his yoga outfit. He rolled out his mat next to mine, snapped off the fanny pack and positioned his very hairy body in a relaxed child’s pose. I love this guy. He is exactly who he is. He is not making excuses or trying to be someone he just isn’t. He is very comfortable with himself or he is from the group home up the street. Either way, he is wonderful in my eyes.

As I looked around the class, I saw some other characters. There was the skinny chick who looks like she just might fall over from hunger. Large, owly eyes and bones protruding from places we generally do not see bones, like her ass. But she had a sweet smile and was as awkward as the day is long. The very large woman next to her was unphased by the skinny chick. She rolled out her mat, gave a smile in my direction when she saw me peeking and asked “It’s hot in here isn’t it?” then laid down to center herself.

I turned my head the other way and there was a yoga nazi with her own mat, her own block and strap and her very important looking yoga outfit. She had the yoga pants that come slightly above the ankle and the spandex bra top. She was all business and was practicing her breathing. Honestly, I was a little scared of her. Behind her was the college student. He, yes, that’s right, HE had the best view in the room. Not of the instructor, but of the yoga nazi’s butt. He’s in college ya know, he’s pretty smart.

Scattered throughout the studio are a handful of older women in various degrees of ability. Some are dressed to the nines with their jewelry and sweat suits and others are in ratty tees and jogging pants. But we are all there for the same reason. To see who lets one rip. NO. To see the guy in the wrist bands. NO. To get in touch with our bodies and feel more relaxed. OK.

Years ago I was very close to becoming a yoga instructor. I was in shape and I was very good. But baby #2 happened and I lost interest in Yoga. I also lost my instructor. He didn’t die or anything, I just got lost finding his new place and took that as a sign that I should just concentrate on the baby. Going back to yoga has been hard. Physically sure, but more so emotionally. My old instructor was a dancer in his previous life so he knew exactly how to get me to do what I needed to. These new instructors don’t know me, they are not dancers they are lovely but they are purely yoga teachers. And I am dealing with the effects of fibromyalgia. I cannot move like I used to. My muscles feel like they are ripping when I do the simplest of stretches. The pain is intense and I do not know how to NOT do what I am asked to do or do it “a little less” And then when I do it full out and it still isn’t what I know it should be I get a little sad.

And then I glance over at the old guy in sweat bands who doesn’t give a flying fig what anyone else sees, he is doing his personal best and feeling good about himself. And I think I could use a little of that. I can use my anonymity to do what I can. No one in this class expects anything of me. They don’t care that I am not making pretty pictures with my body. They all seem to have a higher understanding than I do.  I look at them and I see beauty because they are exactly who they are. No pretense, no excuses.

And no one even laughs when some one farts during downward dog. No one says “you smelt it you dealt it” when one wafts by during warrior pose. These people are the essence of mature. Well, except the college kid. I saw him smirk.

Time to go get my wrist bands and fanny pack. I wonder what I’ll learn today!