Monthly Archives: November 2011

Emma Makes A Phone Call

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Helrow? Helrow? It's Emma...I just peed...

It is 6:15am on a saturday and I am awake. Not because I want to be, not because I need to be. Because I have dogs. Oh sure, some of you with good dogs won’t understand how my dogs have me trained…and not very well trained I might add.  I really don’t understand their methods either. It involves pee, poop and sad puppy eyes.

Anyway, yesterday I cleaned the entire downstairs. Pretty stupid of me actually as I have dogs and kids. Why bother, cleaning is pointless and discouraging. I used to hold off on the Big Clean until I had a day when I was rid of both kids and dogs. But those days are over. Spencer no longer needs to go to the groomers as his fur never grew back after the last shave down 2 years ago and out of 3 kids, one of them is always home and generally always has a friend with them. My home is not my own. Yet, despite all the chaos, I cleaned. I mopped every square inch. Scrubbed on my hands and knees. It was nasty because of the dogs and their peeing and pooping which I make the kids clean up. Kids cleaning up dog pee and poop isn’t going to be as through as say, a professional dog pee/poop cleaner upper (that would be MY mom). So, there was residue. But now, it is gone as I mopped the bejeezus out of those floors.

As I mopped, I gave Emma and Spencer the Evil Eye. For what they had done and for what I knew they could do again. I didn’t bother with my lecture. They’ve heard it all before. By the time I was done, I could barely stand to walk upstairs. I yelled to one of the kids to take the dogs out and followed that statement up with “because if the pee or poop on my clean floors you WILL be grounded!” That just makes them roll their eyes. As if they have any control over when or where the dogs choose to pee. Part of me is kidding but part of me really wishes that the kids would magically know when the dogs have to go and take them. I used to wish for fame or fortune…now I wish for a morning free from dog pee. Yeah, being a grown up is way different than I imagined…

So, at approximately 6am, Emma starts tap dancing. This always wakes me up. She has a few routines. She has a rhythmic number which is generally her Laying Down Dance. She has her fast, more modern Trying Not To Step On Spencer As He Steals the Dog Bed. And then ofcourse there is the slow, methodical Trying To Be Kind Of Quiet So I Can Pee In The House. This morning, however, there was the slow methodical coupled with a huge crash. This means I have to get up to investigate. I throw on my robe of resentment, slip on my slippers of anger and charge downstairs as the banging is continuing and I don’t want the noise to wake the kids and their sleepover buddies.

I have no idea what I am looking at. I see an outline of Emma in the corner, half sitting but not moving. There springs a tiny hope in my heart that she hasn’t peed…she just got lost and can’t find her way out of the corner. I go over to her and smell pee. I also hear “hello? Hello? Do you need help? Hello?” Other people might be concerned that their dog started talking. Me? I’m thinking “yeah, I need help… I need some serious help…” I can’t figure out where the voice is coming from. I try 3 times, unsuccessfully to get Emma to stand up but she can’t. Again I hear this voice “Are you hurt? Shall I call 911? Hello?”

Underneath Emma is the old phone. It looks like a rotary dial phone from the 50’s but it is actually push button. The hand piece is now in two pieces and the cord is wrapped tightly around Emma’s entire body. I pick up what is left of the hand piece and say “Hello, I’m sorry, my dog peed and fell and somehow wrapped herself up in the phone chord, I don’t know how she managed to dial a number. I am so sorry for waking you!” The woman sounded incredulous. I think maybe she didn’t believe me and thought there was something sinister going on. Yeah, sinister was about to go on…

I finally got off the phone with Emma’s new best friend. Remember I was actually kneeling in pee, talking into the hand set that was in the area of Emma’s belly. Her smelly belly. At 6am on a saturday. I can’t get her unwrapped from the phone. It finally dawns on me to unplug the phone from the wall. I do that and untangle her and she is free at last…free to run to the other side of the room, you know, the side that is still clean, and poop. Just a few turds as she heads for the door. I let her out, why I don’t really know, as she has now peed and pooped…what does she need to go outside for? And I set about cleaning up the pee, the poop and myself. Spencer, to his credit, stayed right where he had fallen and just watched me with that dumb grin. I go to let Emma in and she is nowhere to be found. She’s gone. I call quietly for her in a very nice voice hoping to trick her. No Emma. Oh and I should mention it snowed yesterday, and I am in my skivvies as the pj bottoms were soaked in pee. Her pee not mine. I can’t pee randomly on the floor, it’s in my contract.

I go all the way to the back door and call for her. No Emma. Now I start to think if she walked out of the house and got hit by a truck….no, I would be very sad. And her new best friend on the phone would be devastated. I leave the backdoor open just incase and go back to the front door and there she IS! Yea! She now smells like wet dog with pee…there has to be a way to sell this smell. Maybe in a candle, an eau de toilet? snort…that’s funny…shut up, it’s 6am on a saturday and I am covered in dog pee and I am not crying.

I wonder if I can train the lady on the phone to come over and walk Emma every time she calls…

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