Monthly Archives: August 2012

Now In Theaters…


For my next trick….

My life has been a series of bizarre events. My best friend sometimes calls it a giant shit sandwich. But I like to think of it as the makings of a great movie. I like to watch movies and I always assume that they have a major basis in reality. I have lived The Hangover. I have lived All About Steve. I have lived My Girl, Bridesmaids and yes, even Inception. So, I guess that my life and all the weird stuff that happens is all part of the story line. I’m here to learn and entertain.

A few weeks ago my puppy Leo figured out how to escape his crate and lock the bedroom door. I was simultaneously impressed and pissed because he used his alone time to chew stuff and break shit. He shares a room with my 13 year old daughter. What made me laugh was that he waited till she was in the shower to perform his Houdini magic and then lock her out of the bedroom. Her reaction? Typical 13 year old sister annoyed with her little sibling. “Mom! Leo locked me out of MY room!! And I am dripping wet!!!” Like I was going to do something besides laugh hysterically at the situation. I mean come on, we HAVE to be smarter than the puppy….we HAVE to be. HAVE to.

Fast forward, Leo breaks his foot and now sports the cone of shame. Leo, WITH the broken foot AND the cone of shame escapes his crate and locks himself in the bedroom again!!! We have to be smarter than the puppy. HAVE TO BE. What to do….what to do….twist tie!!! Twist tie the crate closed!!! Brilliant!!! And not my idea…one of my smarter-than-the-puppy friends on facebook. And so, twist tie saves the day. Unless we lose the twist tie in which case we use a scarf…which Leo chews thru and escapes again! See, Leo figures this is all for our amusement. He believes we enjoy his magic. On some level we do. We really are impressed, but we are also annoyed as he keeps showing us up.

One night we come home and Leo is in his crate, which is secured with a belt. Ha HA! But…there is poop on the floor in the kitchen which is downstairs. Now this is really REALLY odd. I assume it must be cat poop. No way Leo escaped, pooped in the kitchen, got back into his crate (which is impossible without our help because of the cone) reattached the belt all within the hour we were gone. Had to be the cat. My daughter, who cleaned up the poop, swore it was dog poop. There is just no way! Her theory is that one of the neighbor dogs came in, pooped and left. But the neighbor dogs don’t have my house key. And why would the neighbor dogs be that vindictive? I thought they liked me. As a side note, I am also missing 5 pairs of underwear and a super cute bra. But I digress.

Last night the kids went on an overnight so it was just me and Leo for the night. I moved his crate into my room, took him out (where he pooped) and we settled in for the night. His crate secured with a twist tie. This morning I got up, took him out (where he pooped), brought him in, fed him breakfast, hung out with him while he ate, put him back in his crate, twist tied it and left for a meeting. And HERE’S the weird part (I know you thought all that other stuff was the weird part) I am missing another bra AND there is dog poop on the livingroom floor!!!!!

Apparently there is a bra stealing, dog pooping burglar in the neighborhood! Hide yo panties! Hide yo leashes! I came upstairs and there is Leo right where I left him, IN his crate, twist tie on my desk…ON MY DESK!!!??? Is it possible that Leo is stealing my bras and panties and pooping on the floor and getting back into his crate while I am out???? What is he doing with my bras and panties????

I call my best friend to tell her the latest. She tells me that I need to turn on my alarm system every time I leave the house. I think this is a good plan because I can’t afford new panties. She sighs and says if someone is breaking into my house I have to be careful and I need to have it on at night also. At this point I think of how funny it is that someone would break into my house to leave dog poop and steal my undergarments. She thinks it’s dangerous. I think it’s hysterical that she thinks it’s scary. I ask if I can borrow some undies until CSI is able to get here and analyze the dog poop. She hangs up on me.

Now my real decision is who is going to play me in the movie….


It’s All Fun and Games…



Cone Head the Barbarian

Until Leo winds up in the cone.

Last night started out as slightly chaotic around the homested…I am doggie sitting my best friend’s dog PL. I love PL. She is a “busky”, a beagle/husky mix. I knew both her parents and I was the facilitator in getting PL to her forever home with my best friend and her family 7 years ago. PL is well trained and always greets me with TONS of love so I enjoy having her over. She is my favorite “niece” (yes, I am one of those people).

So, PL and Leo played nicely in the family room all afternoon with my youngest daughter supervising. Lots of barking and nails on hardwood. As the sun went down, we all went to my neighbor’s for a bonfire. Another friend just got to town with her two dogs so it was dogstravganza…Leo is the baby and was acting it so I sent my two kids home with PL and Leo to crate them and then come back. I figured it would alleviate a bit of stress…I didn’t figure right.

About two minutes later I hear Leo screaming bloody murder. I am half a block away and I listen for a second before I react. Mainly because Leo is a drama queen. Sometimes he screams if he bites his own tail too hard. Plus I am a mom, it takes alot to get me to freak out. I have had the Boy Who Cried Wolf talk with Leo. He wasn’t stopping and all of the sudden I hear my 9 year old daughter’s screams join in with Leo’s!!!

That got me moving. Ofcourse I am imagining the worst. Although I hadn’t heard a car screech, it is always a possibility as we live on a busy road. My 9 year old meets me at the end of my neighbor’s driveway with tears and barely able to choke out the story. Meanwhile I notice Leo stopped screaming. I walk faster and here comes PL running towards me, all by herself! She was so scared she wanted to come get me also! So I grab PL by her bandana because she had slipped her collar. But a car was coming and PL’s bandana wasn’t tight so I scooped her up. Now, PL has been having some weight issues…which I think is cute, except when I am terrified she is going to accidentally run into the street and so I have to carry her half way home. She is a CHUNK! Anyway, I put PL and the 9 year old in the house to sort out the crate situation and I turn my attention to Leo.

At this point, my neighbors had come on the double and were there on the scene before I was. One neighbor already has the emergency vet on the line, one neighbor had the flashlight, one neighbor was comforting my kids who were crying hysterically and in the middle of it all is Leo, bleeding and looking at me like I needed to kiss it and make it all better.

What happened was Leo had wrapped his leash around the wrought iron flower pot and pulled it over. It landed on his right hind foot, crushing it into the sidewalk. This planter weighs at least 100 pounds. So, Leo was NOT faking it this time. Poor little guy was really hurt! I had to go into Crisis Mom Mode. I had the 13 year old go put the big comforter over the back seat of the car so that my brand- new- just-got- it- friday- car wouldn’t have puppy blood stains all over the back seat. My neighbor gave me specific directions to the vet ER, PL was secured and off we went. Not what I was planning on at 10pm but then again, I guess I wasn’t NOT planning on it either. What an adventure.

We had never been to the emergency vet. All I knew about it is that it was going to cost a fortune and take all night and that my mom (a nurse) was going to yell at me for not fixing up Leo myself. She forgets that I am a dance teacher, not a nurse like she is, and although I have come a long way, there is still some stuff that I am not capable of. Like gross bloody stuff and limbs hanging at weird angles…not to mention I can’t even imagine how bad it hurts. Shoot, I stubbed my toe on that darn planter and cried for an hour…Poor Leo.

We get there and within minutes the vet techs had Leo sedated with some pain killers. Leo stoned, drooling, singing along to the dog in the other room who was crying. The vet ER is like a doggie bar with all the puppies singing the blues. And we wait. The kids had stopped crying and were all about making sure Leo felt secure. About an hour later the vet tech comes in and gives me an estimate. We can have Leo fixed up for about 700 million dollars. Ugh. Leo’s stock in this world just went up. I opted to just the wound clean and wrap and figured he’d keep until the morning for x-rays with our regular vet. The vet ER agreed and 2 hours later they led out a limping Leo. My sweet guy had a plastic cone on his head and his hind foot wrapped with a plastic bag tied to it so that it didn’t get wet in the torrential thunderstorm that had descended upon the city. Because ya know it wouldn’t be an adventure without a tornado warning.

He couldn’t walk without almost flipping head over heels because of the cone. He looked so sad…Like bassett hound sad…He kept crashing into me because he was working with three legs and the cone of shame. I helped him into the car and then ofcourse took a bunch of pictures of him because he was so pathetically cute. We got home and I stuffed him in his crate. Mainly because I thought he’d be more comfortable in his crate and he would know it was bedtime. But it was way past bedtime and he was wound up. He cried loudly for 2 hours until I finally woke up the 13 year old to take him down and sleep on the couch with him.

I think Leo is pretty darn lucky that he only broke one toe and cracked a metatarsal. I think I am pretty darn lucky to have neighbors who come running at 10 o’clock at night when a puppy screams. Oh Leo, it looks as if you might be taking up where Spencer left off….