It’s summer. Spencer is 13 years old. He has cloudy eyes and selective hearing.
He has ruined every single one of my antique oriental rugs and now he’s working
on ruining the hardwoods. He needs a full time nurse to help him wipe when he
poops. And he cannot walk on the hardwoods because they are actually laminate
and he just belly flops and can’t get up. Yeah, that’s my dog…He’s fallen and he
can’t get up. Real funny except in the middle of the night when he falls in his
own pee AND poop and then can’t get up. Cold showers at 3am but not for the same
reason as they used to be.
I have made many concessions for this mutt. I have rolled up the rugs. I have
spent a small fortune on baby gates. I have invested in dog beds…that’s right,
beds. Because he’s a picky sleeper. I have barricaded the stairs so he cannot go
upstairs because he throws himself down the stairs and I know he will break a
hip one of these days. Basically, he is now confined to one room. The fancy
livingroom (which isn’t so fancy anymore minus the rugs and plus the pee and
Last fall I had new storm doors installed. I had my heart set on the full length
screen door but I knew that would be a major temptation for Spence. He has never
seen a screen door that he didn’t plow through. Still, I talked myself into the
full length, stupid expensive, screen door. In the winter, it was a full length
glass door that Spencer left nose prints all over. I changed it out, put the
screen in, bought yet another heavy duty baby gate to go in front of it and
figured I was brilliant…or at least smarter than Spencer.
I was wrong. Oh so wrong. First of all, to get out of my front door, you had to
open the door, then the baby gate, then the screen door,go through, while
holding the screen door open but closing the baby gate and/or the door all the
time yelling at Spencer to “GIT” because he is deaf and trying to escape. It’s a
process. One which I am sure the neighbors enjoy watching. Anyway, I have to be
vigilant as Spencer loves to roam and the street is busy and the neighbors don’t
care for him pooping in their yard and going thru their garbage. I don’t blame
them. I don’t like it either.
But Spencer has gotten old. So old that his fur never grew back from his last
trip to the groomers last year. He is now a short haired dog with some long
hairs here and there. Kinda like an old man with the nose/ear hair growth…He was
really acting as if he wasn’t all that interested in escaping or even doing his
routine where he does a dive roll through the screen door. The baby gate was
pretty secure. I became complacent. I thought he was too old for his antics of
yesteryear. Can I be any wronger?
Emma: I’m sorry. Me: for what? Emma: for having a dumb brother.
The other day we were out and about and I had left the front door open with the
baby gate closed and the screen door locked. I got a text from my neighbor who
lives 5 house down that Spencer had just come up for a visit and he walked him
home and shut the door. WHAT???? How is that possible????? I got home and there
is Emma laying in the backyard waiting patiently for someone to let her in. No
one knew she had also escaped because she is smart and simply went to the
backyard to wait for us to come home. She looked like she knew she was in
trouble but she is kind of the asskisser of the pack and was already acting all
contrite and remorseful. And what did she do with her time alone outside in the
big wide world? Nothing. She waited for us in the backyard. Spencer on the other
hand just HAD to go visiting. Lucky for him he decided to visit the guys who
like him, or at least tolerate him.
So, exasperated, I close the front door. I am beaten, I give up. Spencer wins. I
can’t have nice things. No antique rugs, no full length screen doors.Wait a
second… wait one gosh darn second… I am the human here… I am the grown up… I am
THE MOM!!! I say open the front door and live life!! That damn dog is not
allowed to rule this house!!! And for a few days, I think he understands that I
am in charge and what I say goes and I say he is NOT allowed to go THROUGH the
screen door ever again! Yeah, he gets it. And just incase he doesn’t I shut the
front door every time we leave the house.
All is well…until today. I open the door, I give my warning (which even I am
sick of hearing) about not leaving the house, to which Spencer just rolls his
rheumy eyes, and I go upstairs. I get a text from my neighbor UP the street that
she just sent Spencer home and he is at the front door. WHAT???? I know deja vu
right? I run down stairs yelling at the kids that Spencer is outside and I open
the baby gate and the screen door, (which now is really just a frame of a door
with some screen kind of hanging from the corner), fully expecting to find the
arrogant mutt waiting. He’s not there! I send the 8 year old down the street,
the 12 year old up the street and I go to the back yard. He couldn’t have gotten
far. It had literally been possibly 15 seconds from my neighbor’s text to me
arriving outside. No Spencer. No Spencer anywhere. After 15 minutes I start to
get worried. He is kind of blind and sometimes deaf and the roads are busy. I
know all he wants is food or better yet garbage or nirvana would be something
big and dead to roll in…half and hour, still no Spencer. The 12 year old thinks
she has picked up his trail as she found a steaming pile of poop right in the
middle of the sidewalk around the corner and down about a half a block. At this
point, I am driving around, alerting all the responsible dog owners who are out
walking their well behaved dogs on leashes. Imagining the worst, that he has
been hit by a car and is being taken by ambulance to the ER and that he is
uninsured, I drive slower and yell louder. I don’t know why I am yelling because
he only hears what he wants to but that is what dog owners in the movies do when
their dog is lost.
About 45 minutes and at least 10 trips around the neighborhood, I pull in to the
driveway and see that Emma and my 8 year old are sitting on the sidewalk and my
12 year old is walking toward my neighbor who has Spencer by the collar. Relief.
I wanted to hug him and kick him all at the same time (Spencer that is, not my
neighbor). My neighbor had been driving around looking also and he decided to go
home and check his yard again when he saw Spencer’s butt in his next door
neighbor’s yard. As he rounded the corner he caught Spence in the grease pan of
their grill licking away as if it were his job. My neighbor introduced Spencer
to the new neighbor, making sure that the new neighbor understood that Spencer
was harmless albeit annoying and then he hauled my dumb dog home.
Spencer was in the mood for some barbecue. It is summer after all. Turd.
P.S. for all of you who may think that I don’t feed Spencer enough please refer
to” target=”_blank”> http://theadventuresofspencer.wordpress.com/2010/03/09/spencer-the-addict/
which will give you an idea of what Spencer is, which is not underfed!