Monthly Archives: January 2014

Dear Diary, Day What Not To Wear

This was a few years ago. Because nothing says birth of Christ like matching footies and jazz hands

This was a few years ago. Because nothing says birth of Christ like matching footies and jazz hands

This has been a week from hell. In fact, it has been so completely wrong I am writing a novel about it because if I tried to write it out here, on this blog, no one would believe me. Because things like this just don’t happen to “people like me”. Which is really very funny. And not at all true. If you are one of those people who reads my stuff and thinks “Oh how droll…well, THAT would NEVER happen to ME!!!” Rest assured that it will happen to you. Maybe it hasn’t, maybe it isn’t, but it most definitely will. There but for the grace of God go you.

Anyway, that’s enough of the curses and voodoo dolls for now. You have been warned.

So, what does one wear when confronting truths they would rather not confront? To deep for you? A little too vague? It’s ok. One wears black stretch pants (the kids yell at me when I call them stretch pants. I guess they are now called leggins?) , puddle jumpers that are two sizes too big (so they make a *clurump clurump* noise when I walk) , a long sleeve teeshirt that sticks out the bottom of a sweatshirt with the neck cut out (a la Flashdance), a scarf and a long, sliver winter coat with sliver fake fur around the hood (circa 2004). OH! And ofcourse unbrushed hair thrown into a high messy bun. Unbrushed for 3 days. This is the uniform for dealing with unexpected life crisis-es.

Let me interrupt here and address a comment I received from a friend. It was bothering him that I misspell  the word :alot…alot. I actually do it intentionally because of my emotional immaturity which i explained to him (let’s all heave a collective sigh of sadness for me and my issues……………..thank you) But it’s more than that. I really believe that saying  “a lot” doesn’t get across my point as well as saying “alot” When I am speaking I do not say “I have a lot of really bad habits” I say “I have ALOT of really bad habits” Sometimes I say outloud “I have AAAAAAAAALOT of really bad habits.” To be clear, I don’t have alot or even a lot of really bad habits. I don’t believe in bad habits so it’s hard to have them. Also, ofcourse should be one word and teeshirt. So, there ya go. A lot is where boys from 1940 play stickball and alot is when there is shit going on and you are overwhelmed because it is ALOT of shit.

Tuesday happened and I wore a slightly better mom costume. I was wearing my skinny jeans. NOT because I am skinny. I am not. I am actually at my heaviest but I only know that because I went to the dr for my neck/shoulder/nerve pain and they weighed me. Bet you forgot about my outrageous pain didn’t you. *sigh* I wish you cared about me more….Where was I? Oh yes, skinny jeans because they go into my zip up knee high boots without causing me to look like I have kankles. I also had on a waist length sweater that is sort of the color of depression…it makes my eyes look soooo pretty. And the damn silver coat again.

Wednesday I stayed in my PJs all day until work so that doesn’t count. Thursday I showered and got dressed in sweats and a men’s florescent orange thermal long sleeve shirt with a men’s 2x sweatshirt over it and my keds. Because fuck you winter. I was in my car , driving (not just sitting in my car….THAT would be weird) from 8am until about 2:30. I came home and had  just enough time to get glitter in my eye and up my nose and change into my work clothes.

That brings us to today. The ensem for today is the same as Wednesday minus the shower and plus copious amounts of dog hair.

I did call the neck/shoulder/nerve Dr but they won’t see me until February and they called me a drug addict because I told them the pills the my regualr dr prescribe are doing nothing so I stopped taking them,,,,yeah makes sense to me too… so who knows if I will even keep the appointment. I also got my taxes done! Taxes make me feel like the rest of you. Taxes and death right peeps?

I whistle the intro music to my soap opera every day and I do it really really well.

I get very annoyed when it is sunny in the wintertime.

Anyone want to buy this picture? It's real purty and perf for over your couch...ooooooo you know you want it.

Anyone want to buy this picture? It’s real purty and perf for over your couch…ooooooo you know you want it.

Dear Diary, Day 25 Can Bite Me

This is what I look like when I am not in death defying pain

This is what I look like when I am not in death defying pain

I woke up at 5am in the most intense pain I have ever experienced. That includes labor and birthing three 9 pound + babies.  I told you before that I wake up every morning in pain but this is different. It isn’t a generalized “I feel like crap” pain, it is a “OMG KILL ME NOW” pain. Nerve pain from neck to my left arm. The kind of pain that makes one cry and swear and hate all of humanity. And that is how my day started.

I almost called my 10 year old to come help me get out of bed. But I didn’t know what was actually going to happen once my feet hit the floor. I was pretty sure it was going to involve copious amounts of swear words and possibly some vomit. I decided to let her hang onto her childhood for a few more hours and just do it myself.

I didn’t know how to get up though. I couldn’t lift my upper body without screaming in pain. I couldn’t get my feet to the floor without lifting my upper body. I had nothing to grab on to to try to hoist myself up. So, I literally laid there, sweating, scared out of my mind to move…I finally just distracted myself with judging Elizabeth Vargas and threw myself out of bed while I wasn’t paying attention.

I think I went into shock for a bit while the pain coursed through my body and then I just started sobbing which made everything 1000x worse. I couldn’t take a deep breath because of the pain so I started to hyperventilate. I had to start my Lamaze breathing. I finally reasoned myself out of having a full on breakdown and showered. I contemplated going to the ER but I don’t want to get sick and hospitals are so dirty and filled with sick people.

Instead, I yelled at the kids to get in the car. I had to take my 15 year old to her theater class. We stopped at the bagel shop. Once I ate and took some pain pills I started to feel more human. But the pain was still there. Took the 10 year old to our favorite restaurant, picked up the 15 year old, took her to her babysitting gig, came home, let the dog out for a pee, put him back in the house and took the 10 year old to the movies. Mostly because I didn’t want to come home and try to get comfortable on the couch because I knew there was no comfortable to be had today.

Came home, let the dog out for a pee and have been trying to be grateful that my nerve pain has lessened from the holy shit intensity it was this morning. I guess I should mention here that hanging with my 10 year old is about as Zen as my life gets. I have really chill, sweet, helpful, kind kids. I also have a brand new bottle of pain meds.

To sum up: I am in phenomenal pain. I love my kids. My dog pees alot.

I hate riddles.

I am a great critic of movie theater popcorn.

A bunch of these guys live up the road from me...I love where I live

A bunch of these guys live up the road from me…I love where I live

Dear Diary, Day of Love

Us in NYC with a cast member of How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying

Us in NYC with a cast member of How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying

Today I woke up and turned to my social media asking for prayers and positive energy to be sent to my best friend who was undergoing a mastectomy. And because I have the coolest people in the world as friends they responded with a quickness and a kindness. 

My friend came thru the surgery and it looks that they got all the cancer! The lymph nodes are clean! This is great news. Those of us who love her were so overwhelmed with relief. Even the kids at work were beyond happy to hear she is going to be ok. This, my friends, is a very good day. 

I can’t tell you I did anything at all today except worry and pray and cry. The feeling I had was that she was going to be ok. She is the strongest woman I have ever met. I knew she would handle this the same way she handles everything life throws at her, with grace and dignity. 

She’s a dancer, like me. She fights like a dancer. A dancer feels the pain and does it anyway. Because on the other side of the pain is beauty. We know it will hurt but we know the pain will be worth it. It’s how dancers think. 

I have told her that she is like the big sister I never had without the condescension, hair pulling and boyfriend stealing. She leads by example. Whatever lies ahead I know she will show me how to get through it with style. She is my best friend who I have seen almost every day for the past 19 years. We had kids together, we lost our dads together, we are watching our children grow up together and I am so very thankful tonight that this is not going to change.

So, that was my day and although it started out with alot of fear, it is ending with alot of power and love. 

Women rally.

Dancers fight.

Life wins.

When we are happy, we dance. When we are sad, we dance. When we fight, we dance.

When we are happy, we dance. When we are sad, we dance. When we fight, we dance.

Dear Diary, Day 723

It's a good day at the mall when you're eyes are shut.

It’s a good day at the mall when you’re eyes are shut.

I think I left off on day 5…let’s recount what has happened in the days, well-nigh, weeks since my last post….

I have no idea. Really. I have no memory of anything ever. I think it is partly hereditary, partly voluntary and a little bit of 10 years of ambien. But I will give you a general idea.

It’s winter here. It’s cold. I went back to work after vacation. I started working on choreography for the end of the year performance. I yelled at the dog alot. I got bagels at the bagel shop and green tea at Starbucks every morning. I got into fights on the internet. I worked very hard at ignoring cravings. I made a decision to eat better (just made the decision…like this: if there are 5 frogs on a log and one decides to jump off, how many frogs are left on the log? 5 because he simply made the decision….I’m a freaking frog).

The kids and I went to the movies a few times. We went to a hockey game. We threw one of my closest friends a Stay Strong dance party because she is going into surgery for breast cancer. That, despite sounding strange, was the most fun…bitter sweet fun. I could go on for days about this woman and how she has stood by me in sickness and in health. 19 years I have seen her almost daily. But I think I will keep this in my heart for now.

And that brings us to today. Today is the 22nd. It was bombastic cold out today so the schools cancelled. SNOW DAY! Minus the snow and plus -17 degree day!!! So, we slept in, woke up, took the 15 yr old to the Dr because she has a cold. She hasn’t figured out her own body stuff yet and who am I to say she doesn’t have strep throat or Ebola? I’m a dance teacher not a doctor. She does not have strep. I told ya so. Got our bagel at the bagel shop and green tea at Starbucks. Came home.

I thought about taking the kids to the mall. I took a shower and made a pot roast instead. It came out sort of blechy. But we ate it anyway. I yelled at the dog alot. I thought about why I am where I am now and I ate peanut butter and chocolate chips. I made the kids watch my favorite episode of Fact of Life (the title of the episode is The Golden Years….I laugh so hard I cry…and I quote lines…I am not ashamed).

Now I am figuring out how to not make Dunkin Donuts hot chocolate my new obsession.

I can watch the movie Bridesmaids on repeat for the rest of my life.

Eye doctors are weird people.

I have never worn these and never will. But I will always have them.

I have never worn these and never will. But I will always have them.

Oh Diary Dear….It’s Day Four…

This is what my cat looks like when she is trying to take over the world

This is what my cat looks like when she is trying to take over the world

Woke up. And just let me state here so we are all on the same page…I wake up every single morning in extreme pain. If I am lucky, I will wake up about 5 to pee and take some Tylenol so that when I get up at 7 I am in not as much pain. That’s every day. Why? Not sure. Don’t have enough money to care. But there it is.

Took a shower, got dressed, took the dog out, hopped in the car and went to the bagel shop. Pretty uneventful. Dropped the dog off at home and went to the mall. I should have been out snow shoeing or cross country skiing but I got a pedicure instead. Then I went to the movies. I made a new friend who we shall call Scott (because I can’t remember what he said his name was). We happened to sit next to each other for the movie and both of us made snort noises at the cheezy parts. We chatted for a bit after. That was nice. But I had bras and blankets to buy.

I went shopping!!! I bought 3 dresses…2 I will wear for our year end recital (I love being so prepared). I found two bras!! Why is it only very old ladies work the lingerie department? But my favorite thing is my new blanket!!!! It’s soft, it looks like someone made it and it’s ever so warm.

I was thinking about my dad alot today so I ordered his favorite dish from his favorite restaurant. I came home, let the dog out, yelled at him for 45 minutes to leave the cat alone, snuggled up under my new blanket.

I live in one of the most typically beautiful places in the whole world.

I like men’s sweat pants alot better than women’s.

Sometimes bleach smells like dirty ass.

This is the face that is on a pine tree in my back yard. It's not one of those faces you buy. It grew like this. Word.

This is the face that is on a pine tree in my back yard. It’s not one of those faces you buy. It grew like this. Word.

Dear Diary…Day Three?

Um that.

Um yeah…like that.

Today the kids had a snow day. That is always fun. No really. I love snow days. I am not being sarcastic. I really do. They slept in. I miss the days when they were awake before me. The reversal of these roles tells me I am heading for old age as they are entering full on teenagerhood. Both of which suck. Two pieces of advice: Do NOT get a teenager and do NOT get old. You’re welcome.

My 10 year old got up first and offered to make pancakes. I said “Heck Yeah!” But she got distracted watching a Cake Boss episode so, pancakes didn’t happen until late morning. By that time, my blood sugar had dropped and I was in a “mood”. The 15 year old woke up and mutter under her breath about having to take the dog out for a pee and poop as it was literally about -30 with the windchill…apparently she thinks her sister is better equipped to handle arctic temperatures. But she did it.

She came in and said the dog wouldn’t poop because he couldn’t stand on all four legs because it was too cold and we needed to go get him boots ASAP. I said “Ooooohhhh…go take him out again” which she did and said he pooped. What she failed to tell me was that he POOPED IN THE DININGROOM.

We got ready to go and went.

Wound up at Red Robin Restaurant and had The Worst Service in the History of Eating Out.

Dropped the 15 year old to an appointment and the 10 year old and I went to Target where she found some new sneaks and a pair of pants. Met Grandma, gave her the kids so they all could go to Disney on Ice. I left for the movies.

I saw Wolf of Wall Street. It was good. Formulaic, very Scorses-esque but Jonah Hill was beyond brilliant and really should win an award.

Drove home listening to that flaming narcissist on AM Talk Radio…he sort of makes me laugh…like at him, not with him. And contemplating my life and how I got here. There was a very triggering scene in the movie that of course triggered me…I never did find flashbacks to be all that fun.

Anyway, I have been bitchy all day. The soda machine was off at the Red Robin and that really just set me off. I told the kids I wanted to key the waitress’ car…my 15 year old told me that would be a bad idea and a bit of an overreaction to the coke not being fizzy. I see her point.

I am VERY excited for tomorrow!!! I am down to one bra and that one bra is down to one hook so tomorrow I am going to buy a brand new over the shoulder boulder holder!!!! Haven’t done that since the 15 year old started wearing bras so YEA ME!!! Also, the only thing I didn’t get for birthday/christmas was a throw blanket…I wanted a soft pretty one to wrap up with on the couch. A sweet friend sent me a gift certificate so tomorrow I am going to get a beautiful blankie…so that I can take off my new bra and snuggle with my dog while I watch SNL….but that’s tomorrow.

Tonight I will sleep with the space heater on and my foot bag heated to lava hot.

My dog really can’t poop in this cold.

I just finished The Hunger Games series for the second time and I have zero recollection of the second book despite having seen the movie twice now.

Intentions and kakapoopie are the buzz words of the day.

Yeah...kiss my grits.

Yeah…kiss my grits.


Dear Diary…Day Two

This is Eddie. He is contemplating why anyone would willing get out of bed...ever.

This is Eddie. He is contemplating why anyone would willing get out of bed…ever.

Well, look at me!!! Here it is day TWO and I am writing again! I am mildly impressed with myself. Mostly because I know me and I was really unsure that this was going to be happening!

Ok, today the kids went back to school after ALMOST two whole weeks off. Almost two whole weeks but two days short (because school is dumb). Last night the weather was getting a bit snotty. The weathermen were doing their predicting and we were sleeping with our PJs inside out, had our undies in the freezer and  we went outside, spun 3 times while singing the alphabet backwards. Ok, we didn’t do any of that. But, maybe if we had, they would have had a snow day today. They didn’t.But the school district I work in did and so did the school district where I grew up. Both of THOSE districts NEVER close. But they did today!!! Unfortunately, no one told my neighbor who works in the high school I went to as a kid and he drove himself all the way to work…on a SNOW DAY! Poor guy.

Up at the asscrack of dawn to get these kids awake and functioning. Off to school they go.

I almost died twice getting them to school. And some dink of a teenager also came close to death, although I am sure he doesn’t even know it because he had his hoodie up and just kept walking while I slid within inches of his Timberlands. Teenagers are sort of dumb. I say that because I was a teenager and I was plenty dumb. I guess I am just shocked they haven’t gotten any smarter in the years since.

Went to the bagel shop with my dog. Went in and the little old lady who is there every other day was there and said the same thing she says every time “Oh!!! Your little doggie loves you so!!!” and my standard reply “He’s a good boy”. My life, as you will soon recognise, is like Groundhogs Day. And I’m ok with that. Went to Starbucks for my iced green tea. I wish I could drink hot liquids as it was a chilly 10 degrees this morning but, I can’t. I walked in, no line, didn’t have to speak and my order was ready. Got back in the car with my dog and drove 20 mph home. The roads were nasty.

Cleaned the kid’s rooms, did the laundry, smashed my head on the cellar door so hard I saw stars…ya know, just for something fun to do.

Went to the bank. The teller was my old friend, she gave the dog a bisquet. Went to the next bank. The teller was not my old friend. Dog did not get a bisquet. He was very confused. Came home. Sat down for about a half an hour. Went to get the kids from school.

Collected the children. Went to the laundromat to dry all of the wet clothes as we do not, as of yet, have a dryer hooked up…I say “as of yet” because it makes it sound like we will have one hooked up shortly. We won’t, but it sounds like we will.

Made the kids run into the grocery as I hadn’t showered yet. I sat in the car and texted them what we needed for dinner. After about the 4th text, my 15 year old asked if we could just get McDonald’s. As tempting as that sounded I said no. I got alot of ugly stares as I was parked in the fire lane. Oh well, to bad so sad. I got here first. And I know a fireman so I am pretty sure it’s ok.

They came out. We went home.

I started dinner. My 10 year old took the dog out for a pee and switched the dishes (from the dishwasher to the cupboards, from the sink to the dishwasher) My 15 year old shoveled out the end of the driveway where the village plows had plowed us in. She did it with a smile on her face. A fifteen year old smile. Have you seen that sort of smile? It looks exactly like an adult’s I-Hate-My-Life-And-Wish-Everyone-Would-Drop-Dead smile but in a 15 year old way.

The 15 year old and I went to gather the dry laundry at the laundromat and bring it up to my room where I sorted it into our rooms and put away my 10 year old’s. I left the 15 year old’s in the basket in her room. So that she can throw it all over her floor and mix it up with some damp towels and dog hair so they all smell funny. I guess that is the new fad?

We ate dinner. Stuffed pork chops, green beans and garlic mashed potatoes. All the 10 year old ate was the green beans, all I ate was the stuffing and the 15 year old finished off the potatoes. I don’t know why I even bother.

It’s dropping to below zero tonight. The governor has declared a state of emergency or something and is shutting down all the highways as of midnight. I guess this is a bad storm. I didn’t have to go to work tonight because the weather is so bad. I love a snow day! I told the kids they will more than likely not have school tomorrow. The 10 year old did a happy dance. The 15 year old gave me her “smile”.

Nothing else planned for tonight except giving each other mani pedi’s and yelling at the dog to leave the cat alone.

I know all the words to the Humpty Dance.

The Uncle from Fresh Prince of Bel Air died.

Maybe I will see you tomorrow!!!!

The 14 year old smile(before she was 15. Now she has it mastered)...and the 10 year old's creepy smile...

The 14 year old smile(before she was 15. Now she has it mastered)…and the 10 year old’s creepy smile…