Monthly Archives: February 2014

Dear Diary, Day of Maniac Mass Murderer

Edward Fork Fingers might protect me from maniac mass murderers. Of he might just hold my cell phone while I sleep, which is also helpful...

Edward Fork Fingers might protect me from maniac mass murderers. Of he might just hold my cell phone while I sleep, which is also helpful…

Ya know how you run down the stairs, holding your boobs so they don’t hit you in the eye (or in my case get stepped on) and then you skate through the livingroom into the kitchen to check to see if your footbag is done heating up? And while you are skating, you are still holding your boobs because you’re a girl and that is what you do. But then, you feel eyes on you and you slowly turn towards the back door, still holding your boobs because you can and there stands some man looking at you through the door? Ya know how that happens????? So, you back up into the stove, still holding your boobs and trying to think of what to do…what to do…

When I was a little kid I always had a plan on what to do if a maniac mass murderer broke in and tried to kill me. What I would do would be to grab as many of my cats as I could and just throw them at the maniac mass murderer. I had already explained and apologized to the cats. They were ok with it. After all, he wasn’t after them, he was after me…except my stalker…he wanted my cats in the worst way.

Anyway, there were no cats in the vicinity. I figured I was just going to die. And you know what flashed through my mind? That I wasted all that time and money on junk food and cheese which I thought was going to kill me slowly. Damn it all if I had known I was going to go at the hands of some maniac mass murderer I would have eaten healthier.

And then, he knocked. The maniac mass murderer knocked!!!! So civilized. So, I let go of my boobs and slowly went to the door…to find a guy who I had dated a while ago, standing there, sort of swaying. Still, with the caliber of men I date, he could most definitely be here to kill me. I asked him what he wanted, he said he wanted his shoes back. I explained I had given them away 6 months ago. He seemed very sad about that. He asked to come in. I said no. And he shrugged and left.

I watched him get in his car and drive out of the driveway from my kitchen window. Then I skated into the livingroom, holding my boobs again, to watch him drive down the road. THAT was a close call!!!!!!!

I skating everywhere because I have hardwoods and I have my jogging pants pulled down over my feet like Gumby…so, I can skate. I’ve been doing it all my life. I am ready for the 2015 In House Winter Olympics.

So, after all that excitement, I got my footbag and came upstairs and told my cat that she is safe… for now…

Heartburn is keeping me warm tonight.

I despise hanging up my clothes in my closet.

Don't let her snuggly little face fool you. If I launched her AT you, she would kill you before you could say meow mix.

Don’t let her snuggly little face fool you. If I launched her AT you, she would kill you before you could say meow mix.

Dear Diary, Day of Dumb Boys

These are my 3x Men's jogging pants that I wear out even tho they have a hole in the butt and they fall down alot. I told you, it's all about living dangerously. You should try it sometime...

These are my 3x Men’s jogging pants that I wear out even tho they have a hole in the butt and they fall down alot. I told you, it’s all about living dangerously. You should try it sometime…

If I gave you my laundry list of man problems you would think I should be a man hater. Or maybe I should be a nun…but I am mad at God right now…we aren’t speaking so, possibly I should be a lesbian. But I’m not a lesbian and I am not sure where to go to sign up so I guess I will just keep trying my luck with the guys.

The kids and I went to see a wicked cheesy movie about LUV. My 11 year old thought it was sad but good and my 15 year old diessected the acting and the directing. Yes, it was that much fun. I actually hate chick flicks and I make fun of my bff who LOOOOVES chick flicks. But this one was actually not too bad. Also, I have pms so you have to factor that in.

Came home and did absolutely nothing. We watched more chick flicks…it’s the last day of vacation. I just couldn’t make myself be mean and do laundry. We can find one more pair of swim suit bottoms for tomorrow. Whatever, we are living on the edge. We are being creative and improvising and rolling with it. It’s life lessons. I should probably start a school or an infomercial or something because I think most of you spend way too much time being all typical. Y’all need to loosen up!!!

The boy I was dating…turns out he has a girlfriend. Oh well that stinks. I can’t date a guy who has a girl at home. That’s just not my thing. I’m not judging if it is your thing, that’s cool…but I am not comfortable with that. So, I had to tell him that tonight after I found out. Awkward…..but not the end of the world…3 dates does not a relationship make.

Watched some more tv. Had the 15 year old figure out how to make a baked potato in the microwave. Snuggled with the dog, got molested by the cat.  And now it is bed time. But not before True Detective and Girls. Back off. If I don’t have a dating life then I am going to go get lost in tv dramadey.

Tomorrow is back to school. I am fully addicted to getting pedicures.

"you know nothing Jon Snow" It's like my fav thing to say...even to guys who aren't named Jon Snow.

“you know nothing Jon Snow” It’s like my fav thing to say…even to guys who aren’t named Jon Snow.

Dear Diary, Day of Destiny

This is at my kid's high school. We are all about being vintage.

This is at my kid’s high school. We are all about being vintage.

Sounds exciting huh? It’s not. Destiny USA is the name of one of our local malls. It is simply an expansion of our old mall which was built on toxic waste dump. I really do not enjoy going to Destiny. It’s big and overpriced and the people it attracts are dumb (present company excluded). I don’t enjoy the atmosphere at all. And I am in continual state of being totally and completely broke so, there’s that.

This week the kids had mid winter recess. My youngest had basketball camp every day in the morning. Wednesday we celebrated her birthday with her friends. We went to The Mall. Worse yet, we went to an overpriced arcade in the mall with really lousy food. But the kids loved it. I almost kicked a mother in the fanny pack and I definitely made ugly faces at the kid who jumped in line ahead of my kid for Mario Kart.  Turn down the lights, turn up the music, add some electronic competition and you get a bunch of giant assholes. Back when I was a kid we could only play Pac Man at the bowling alley or the pizza shop and we had to walk up hill both ways in the snow. With plastic bread bags inside our boots.

Thursday, my 15 year old had The Boyfriend over. They made cookies and she forced him to watch The Notebook. It may not have been The Notebook but every movie the 15 year old watches seems like The Notebook to me. We saw The Monuments Men.Too much George Clooney and smoking but very good movie over all.

We did some other stuff. And some other stuff. It snowed and it rained. I have had nightmares every night for a week. I think I am trying to subconsciously kill myself with cheese.

Oh yeah, and I went to Sochi. The only picture I took was of the tandem toilets. Because Russia.

Oh yeah, and I went to Sochi. The only picture I took was of the tandem toilets. Because Russia.


Dear Diary, Day of Ignorance

Just don't.

Just don’t.

I am so incredibly angry right now I don’t know if I will be able to get through writing this.

Today, I woke up, showered, and went to a gynecological appointment. I really don’t remember what it was for but it was scheduled, so I went. I had a few things I wanted to ask about so I didn’t mind going. I don’t like my doctor. I have never liked him. But he had enough confidence that I figured he knew what he was talking about as far as lady parts go. Oh and also, he told me he knew everything there is to know about women’s anatomy. He told me that alot. He told me repeatedly he is an Expert on PMS, on bladder issues, on every type of infection,weird smell, discharge and color that can possibly happen to a boob or a hoo ha. Great. I never believed him, but, I usually allow egotistical, narcissistic men to just prattle on and on…they love to hear themselves talk.

I walked in, told the receptionist that I have new insurance, did the new insurance dance and then had a seat in the nasty, skeevy waiting room. Looking at all of the other ladies, knowing we are all sort of dreading being there. Looking at the few men who are there also in support of their wives or girlfriends…in one case possibly his mom…Old, young, pregnant, not. We are all waiting.

They call me into the closet. It is where they do blood pressure and weight. That’s all terrific. Pee in a cup…for what? I don’t know. But I was given a detailed demonstration on how to do a clean catch. I am 41 years old with three children. I am not sure what about my appearance says “Too Dumb to Know How To Pee In A Cup” but there ya go. And then I get to go into the room with the table with the heel holders. I have  to strip from the waist down and hang out with a paper over my private parts. Now, we women are just used to this sort of treatment. We are used to feeling totally and completely vulnerable. Physically and emotionally. It’s sort of a “woman thing”. No big deal.

So there I sit, half naked. The only thing I have to hold onto is a paper sheet because my dignity was left in the bathroom with the cup of pee. As I am texting my bff about what we are going to do this weekend, the nurse comes in all apologies. I guess they don’t take my new health insurance. Um…ok!!! But WAIT! She wants me to put my pants back on and wait right here. Why? Well, just in case the doctor wants to see me anyway. It will cost about 200 dollars but if he wants to see me…TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS?????????????? FOR WHAT?????????????? Since WHEN did I start having to PAY others to look at me naked???????? I hadn’t given up on my fall back plan of being a stripper and here I am being told that if I want this man to look at my intimate places I am going to have to PAY HIM????????????????????????????????

And there I sit. Waiting. The nurse is falling all over herself apologizing to be for the mix up. How she thought they accepted my insurance but it’s from The Exchange so they don’t and oh boy is she sorry. She wants to get the receptionist in here and the accountant and the billing department. I was totally fine with it. Not an issue. I hated this doctor’s office, I was never impressed with the cleanliness or the friendliness or the understanding of the people who work there so, I’m thinking this is a marvelous opportunity! By this point, the nurse is almost crying and offering me free magazines on herpes and breastfeeding. She’s a mess.

The doctor wants to see me in his office pro bono. Oh for fucks sake. Fine. I go in an sit down across from him. His other nurse/secretary sits in the corner taking notes on her computer. Or maybe she is a frustrated court stenographer? Who cares. As soon as my now covered ass hits the chair doesn’t this ignorant, arrogant, absolutely clueless doctor (the one who I ASSUME took that oath about “First, do no harm”) start in with “So, why exactly did you go to The Exchange for health insurance?” But before I could answer he pukes out HIS take on it, on why HIS practice will NEVER participate with it, how it is going to collapse our government and kill people and how we are all just very very stupid and we don’t understand how the medical system works. If only we simple people were just smarter, more willing to pay for what we need then there would be no Exchange and the president wouldn’t be killing our people…

Took me a few. I had to pull myself out of the fog that always encases my brain when I am confronted with something that is so incredibly wrong. Now,I am not saying that his opinion isn’t valid. I am not even saying that he is wrong. But I sure as SHIT am saying that there is NO conceivable scenario in which a doctor should EVER bring a patient into his office and berate and belittle her for her choices based on HIS experience and HIS opinion.

I sat there and smiled my gee-you-are-an-incredibly-stupid-person-smile and let him ramble. He was sure to include his superior abilities in his chosen profession, he rambled a bit about how his practice would rather give away free health care than participate with The Exchange which pays LESS than Medicaid. How can he possibly justify getting paid less than what he deserves? Oh…yeah…I guess at that point I was suppose to nod agreeingly.

Instead, I cleared my throat and said ” I see your point” which was when he smiled that self satisfactory smile. He then asked if I would consider paying out of pocket for his superior services as that is really what would be best for my health. I cleared my throat again because the bile was really getting in the way of my answering his question. I said “I would rather be seen in a backwoods shed by a witch doctor with a hanger and raccoon hat and dirty fingernails than to EVER be seen by you again.” I suppose that was a little harsh and exactly what he would expect a poor, stupid woman like me would say. I didn’t really say that. I said “It’s a shame that money and politics have become your way of life. Because I am guessing when you became a doctor you had morals and standards. Unfortunately, you have obviously have been corrupted by a mindset and have forgotten completely that your first directive is to treat women in a respectful manner. It was never nice doing business with you. I will find a new doctor.”

And I left. He mumbled something about the hospital not taking Exchange insurance and how did I expect to find a new doctor and I was making another bad decision…blah blah blah.

I have friends who hold a similar view to Dr. Demented. It’s ok. I love them. They love me. Ain’t no thang. But for a DOCTOR to bring me into his office to discuss HIS political views, HIS life views and HIS opinions? Nope. That is wrong on every level. It’s rude, disrespectful and very very dumb. I can’t abide stupid. I really hope that other women do not have to go through what I went through today. And if they do, I wish they also tell him where to stick his speculum.

Apparently the dog knows how to do a clean catch.

Apparently the dog knows how to do a clean catch.

Dear Diary, Day of Nothing Much Is New

A few years ago, my the 11 year old SOLD her 7 year old sister some old books. the 7 year old wanted a refund.

A few years ago, my the 11 year old SOLD her 7 year old sister some old books. the 7 year old wanted a refund.

So, nothing exciting has been happening. No fun stories to report. The kids came home, took them for mani pedis and a movie. My 11 year old had a sleepover with her bff. The dog came home from doggie day care exhausted and that is always wonderful.

This guy I am dating is alot of fun.

I think I am going to get serious about finding my birth family. But only if it is easy and only when I feel like it. Unless any of you want to find them for me…I am craving information, I am craving the unknown to be known. And I am really interested in my medical history.

But then I get distracted or busy with kid stuff and it all fades away again. Until the next chest pain or uterus pain or boob pain and then I get all hyped up about needing to KNOW.

Still planning to drive across the country this summer with the kids.

Now I am used to the snow and cold and I sort of hope it stays winter forever so I don’t have to do yard work or wear tank tops.

When the 11 year old refused the refund, the 7 year old took matters into her own hands. Sisters, can't live with 'em? Bury them.

When the 11 year old refused the refund, the 7 year old took matters into her own hands. Sisters, can’t live with ’em? Bury them.

Dear Diary, Day of Luv : Take Two

This is a picture of my closet when I was a kid. Kittens and Kevin Bacon...pretty much sums up how I became the woman I am.

This is a picture of my closet when I was a kid. Kittens and Kevin Bacon…pretty much sums up how I became the woman I am.

What can I tell you about today…hhmmm…got up, commandeered a team to get a car unstuck from my driveway, sent an expedition off to collect breakfast from the donut shop and then convoyed the children to their various activities.

And then, I went on my postponed date. We had an excellent time at my second favorite restaurant. It was genuinely fun. I’m not giving you any details. What kind of blog do you think this is?

Anyway, now I am sitting here, thinking about dating and how much I actually like it when it is good and how much I hate it when it isn’t. I very rarely have a truly awful date. But I also very rarely have a truly wonderful date either. Most fall somewhere in between and I have been conditioned to accept that as acceptable. It is.

I’m getting a mixed tape by text which is a pretty fun.

Chocolate milk makes me really thirsty.

I bought this instead of a wedding dress...positive thinking...

I bought this instead of a wedding dress…positive thinking…

Dear Diary, Day of LUV

Back when I was a kid we had to wear ski masks and smoke cigars...

Back when I was a kid we had to wear ski masks and smoke cigars…

It’s freakin Valentimes Day. Yea. I actually like Valentine’s Day alot. It’s a great excuse to use glitter. I was all set for a lovely VDay date while the kids were at school but then…..snow day. Normally, I LOOOOVE snow days. And this is a snow day before a week long mid winter break which is the best. Except that now I have to cancel my date because I have a house full of kids. Actually, I only have one kid at the moment because the other kid got stuck at her babysitting gig overnight as the roads were so bad. No love for me.

Except from the kid. She walked to the store to get me a bagel and tea. In a snow storm! She loves me.

Poor dog. I shoved him thru a crack in the front door so he could pee. He sunk as he was peeing and really could barely move. I was laughing so hard I almost peed. It was like quicksand. And he looked so confused. Like he lost his legs. Pooping was equally hysterical. Not sure where his poop went, he turned in circles looking for it for a good 5 minutes. Sticking his snout into the snow and snorting.  I had to drag him back in thru the crack in the door because I couldn’t fit thru the crack to pick him up. He tumbled back into the house like a puppy snowball. And all I could do was stand there and laugh. Until I saw that he had a poop ball stuck to his foot. Then I screamed and chased him around the livingroom. Which led to me cleaning up the trail of poop prints all over the carpet. It’s like it’s Valentine’s Day or something….

I was sitting here stressing about the plow guy. I didn’t contact him and we literally have at least 3 feet of snow. There is no way on God’s green earth that I am shoveling. It’s the principle of the thing really. I told the kid to go up to the snow plow guy’s house and ask and she said the driveway is plowed…Wow. I just thought about needing the plow guy and BLAM! driveway plowed!!! Nice. Now I am thinking about needing someone to hook up my dryer…I’ll let you know if that works out for me.

Now it is noon. I have been texting all morning with my bff and exchanging really bad pics of ourselves. Hers because she is working out, mine because I am not working out.

I am sure the only reason my dozen long stem red roses haven’t been delivered is because of the storm. And probably because I forgot to order them….

Munchos and Pop Tarts are the only thing in my pantry currently. I am not a college student or a pot head so that is weird.

This reindeer is flipping me off isn't he?

This reindeer is flipping me off isn’t he?