Monthly Archives: March 2014

Dear Diary, My Kid Is Perfect (like I had any doubt)

Can't see the dog poop from here mom!!

Can’t see the dog poop from here mom!!

Today I woke up at 5:30am. Why? Because I was worried about next weekend when I have to wake up at 3am to take a bus to NYC and how sick I get when I have to wake up that early but how I can’t just stay up because that also makes me very sick. And what am I going to wear to New York and where am I going to sit on the bus and how much it sucks to get home at 1am and have to get into a cold car and drive the 45 minutes home and which bags I need to bring and what the kids are going to wear and by then, I was back to today and it was 6am. By skipping my early morning pee and Tylenol I was already starting to have a headache. So, I got out of bed, peed, took my Tylenol and pretended to meditate. I could tell it was going to be a super terrific wonderful awesome fabulous hell yeah really good day!

I finally decided to stop faking it, got out of bed at 6:30 and took a shower. But first, I dropped the toothpaste in the sink that is clogged so, basically I dropped the toothpaste into a pit of germs and spit. Before I used it. Then, I hopped in the shower and one of the kids had changed the radio station so it was on some top 40 crap. A really good song came on and I got goose bumps but I had to shave, which I did even though I know better and now I have the worst razor burn. Maybe the razor burn would have been tolerable if I was just putting back on my sweats, but, I had to get dressed in my mom costume because the 11 year old had a doctor’s appointment and a parent teacher conference. Super Terrific!

I woke the kids up. The 11 year old took a shower because she had her 11 year old check up today. The 15 year old took out the dog and fed him and started the car. I had to dry the 11 year old’s hair because it is negative 34 with the windchill in MARCH. Then, I came down stairs, tripped over the dog leash, realized that all of our winter coats are in the car so we are all going to catch pneumonia and then half fell down the icy stairs, banged my knee getting into the car and my phone won’t charge anymore. Wonderful Awesome!

Took the kid to her Dr appointment. She is perfect. Like, I totally knew that, but, I am glad the Dr and nurses got to see a perfect child…I’m happy for them. I am sure it made their day. Then, we went to school. I dropped her to her 3rd period art class and went to meet with her teachers. I was totally cool with this parent teacher conference. When my oldest was in kindergarten, her teacher explained to us that if a kid was having issues, they were the ones who got the beginning of the year conferences. Kids who were doing great got the end of the year conferences. Being that this is the end of March, I knew I was in the clear. And sure enough, her teachers were all “she’s perfect!” I was sort of feeling like maybe I should call a press conference to make sure the whole community knows my kid is perfect. Mostly because being the mother of 3 kids, 2 of whom have entered full blown teenagerhood, I know that perfect children do not last.  Hell Yeah!

My dog’s feet smell.

I got schooled today in bird sex. It’s gross.

This is what people in my house do to avoid going downstairs to the kitchen. And by people, I mean me.

This is what people in my house do to avoid going downstairs to the kitchen. And by people, I mean me.


Dear Diary, It’s A Lovely day In The Neighborhood

This is why I can't pay my bills.

This is why I can’t pay my bills.

Except that it is 11 degrees, the snow has melted to reveal the massive amounts of dog poop on my front walk and I jammed my ring finger toe on the step stool in the bathroom. Let’s begin with the 11 degrees thing…

It’s March. It’s the end of March. This should be sweatshirt weather. Instead, we are still hunting for hats and mittens. One of the perks of living where I live is the changing seasons. So, when winter decides to not leave when it is supposed to we feel jipped. Or maybe righteously pissed off is a better phrase. But it has been sunny! Which has helped all the snow to melt. Which means the dog poop is all exposed.

See, it has been so cold that my kid has been just opening the front door and letting the dog do his thing while she stands inside. So, “his things” are all over my front walk. This was a non issue when we had snow covering it up. I have to wonder about the food I feed this dog. I feed him the higher end stuff that supposedly has no chemicals or fillers… then why the hell doesn’t his poop disintegrate? If the sun is strong enough to melt the snow and ice, I have to conclude that it should be warm enough to melt the poop.

The mail lady left a note in my box that I had to go to the post office to get the mail because the front walk wasn’t shoveled. I think that is just a nice way of telling me she doesn’t want to walk through the mine field of  dog turds. I don’t blame her. I also am not going to the post office to get my mail because, why bother? I’m not going to make an effort to go collect bills and collection agency notices and bounced check alerts. It’s just depressing.

So, let’s look at this in the positive. It’s March and 11 degrees which means I don’t have to look at my fat arms in a tank top for at least another two months and the dog poop has successfully kept all of my bills at bay! Really, what do I have to complain about? Nothing!

Except my toe. How does it happen that you see the step stool, you are walking in what you deem (at 41 years of age, having at least 40 years of walking experience) a reasonable distance from the step stool and yet you pick up your foot, sort of lift it up behind you and then SLAM it into the stool you are looking RIGHT AT. How does that happen? Of course it is the most pain I have ever experience in my life including child birth and the canker sore.

Now I am not one of those high drama people like my bff who sounds like she just discovered a dead body when she stubs her toe. No, I am more of an immediately violent person. I want to smack someone and I spill swear words that even I have never heard before. Then I walk it off, laughing because I don’t want to cry. What the hell is that about? It’s like biting my tongue. I have had the same tongue in the same place for 41 years. How the hell can I accidentally bite it. And bite it so hard it bleeds. Or missing the last step of the staircase in the house where you have lived for 8 years. Same amount of stairs, nothing has moved and at least once a month I just forget that there is that last step and give myself a minor heart attack.

All in all, I suppose it’s not a horrible day. Then again, it’s only mid-afternoon.

Sometimes I get water up my nose in the shower through my eye. That is never as fun as it sounds like it would be.

This is what the first day of spring looked like here. It looks like bullshit to me.

This is what the first day of spring looked like here. It looks like bullshit to me.

Dear Diary, I Am Mad At Tyler Perry

This is what i looked like thru the whole damn movie....

This is what I looked like thru the whole damn movie….

Today, a few single mom girlfriends and I went to see Tyler Perry’s Single Moms Club. I was really excited about this movie. I am a single mom. Finally someone was going to tell MY story. And I got to hang out with other single moms! We all brought our kids and they went to see The Muppet Movie while we were in our movie. That worked out well…especially since I was so forward thinking in having my kids at such a young age so that when my friends had kids later in life, I would have the kids who can babysit. Cause that is just the kind of friend I am. Considerate. Or really bad with birth control…either way, it has worked out well for all of us.

I didn’t think this was going to be an award winning movie. But Tyler Perry is very popular and I have liked some of his other things…he generally tells a good story. But he totally dropped the ball on this one. I mean it was insulting and I usually don’t  recognize when I am being insulted. Maybe he was bored, maybe he needs money, maybe someone forced him to write this movie…maybe he just wanted an excuse to kiss Nia Long…not sure but the acting was awful, the directing was worse, the story was shit, the heartwarming scenes were cliché and the humor was non existent. He showcased every stereotype single mother, never developed any real back story and then had them all realize they should be more co-dependent on their kids and if their ex is an asshole they can just take him back to court for more money. And in the end it’s all ok because the ladies all find men. Just snooze. Lacking the romance that would have intrigued us single mothers, lacking the reality of the true struggle of co-parenting, and disrespecting us and the fear and anguish that court brings up for all of us when we are forced to go that route makes me really angry with Tyler Perry.

I guess it’s definitely a life experience that if you haven’t “been there, done that” then you should just keep your mouth shut. No one can tell the story of single motherhood unless they have been a single mother. You can argue with me and say that creative people or emphatic people can absolutely tell a story from the view point of a single mother. And they might be able to describe but they will never be able to convey and relate. And that’s ok. The ways we are the same but different,the real discriminations we face daily. The true grief we struggle with. The secrets we keep so that we don’t hurt the new partners we become involved with. It’s compound and complex and hard as hell. It is also the most rewarding thing we could possible do with our lives. There is no substitute for a two parent home, and we single moms know that and yet, we give our children more than we could have by staying married. We are lucky in that we get to have a very unique and special relationship with our kids. We might not have a partner there to witness them growing up or share the overwhelming love we feel for them, but we get to single handedly receive all the love, all of the pride, all of the closeness and we don’t have to share it with anyone else. It’s not selfish, it is one of the many perks of being a single mom.

Tyler Perry basically called the single mothers in his movie lazy, wealthy, emotionally distressed, non authoritative, with kids who are entitled, in jail and unbalanced. He said with this movie that we are all looking for a man to be the stability in our lives, that we are fundamentally unhappy alone and at the very least we need sex. Now, those things may be true OCCASIONALLY. but it is not the standard or the norm. And all of that bullshit would have been tolerable if he had a story that was worth watching. If the acting was not sub par or if the directing supported the actors. But, basically, it sucked. I am offended and pissed off and unentertained. It’s a damn good thing the popcorn was fresh and I had my girlfriends with me or Tyler Perry would have at least 3 emails from me tonight telling him where he can stick his movie.

But I got to hang out with some phenomenal single moms who are really doing it all, just like I am. We laughed at the stupidity  and marveled at the stilettos all the moms in the movie were wearing…who the hell goes to pick up their kid at school in platform stilettos? The ONLY woman I have ever seen do that is happily married…weird. Thumbs down Tyler Perry Single Moms Club and a giant BOO HISS. Unless you go with your single mom friends and make fun of it, or if you are not a single mom, then there is no reason for anyone to go see this one.

The movie made my face like this...I think it is frozen this way...crap. Now how the hell am I going to find that sexy man and make him save me from my sad pathetic little life. Thanks alot Tyler Perry.

The movie made my face like this…I think it is frozen this way…crap. Now how the hell am I going to find that sexy man and make him save me from my sad pathetic little life. Thanks alot Tyler Perry.


Dear Diary, Test Driving Shoes

I still haven't gotten the hang of Selfies...

I still haven’t gotten the hang of Selfies…

Today the kids had a half day AND the new Divergent movie opened!! So,my bff, the kids and I went to see it! I was so excited I bought all of us tee shirts with different things from the movie on them. Pretty sure it was just me and the 11 year old who thought this was a brilliant idea. But, everyone was a good sport (this is the same bff who wore the tiara I made out of sparkly pipe cleaners at her work for her birthday…she is the epitome of good sport). Loved the movie. I read the book like two and a half times and I really don’t remember it so it was sort of like watching something that was familiar and yet surprisingly new! This memory loss is really not so bad when it comes to things like remembering who I hate, or the plot lines in a book. It sucks when it comes to remembering sentence structure and whether or not I have my glasses on (I constantly poke myself in between my eyes when I am wearing my contacts because I forget that I don’t have my glasses on…or maybe I am wearing invisible glasses…that are made out of thin air…I can’t remember).

Today I decided to wear the shoes I am thinking of wearing on our annual trip to NYC. We have been taking this day trip to NYC for the past 8 years and every year I go for cute rather than comfy. And I wind up in severe pain after the first hour. By the end of the day my feet are usually swollen and bloody. It’s not pretty. But I have these cute little boots I wanted to try…so I put those on, to see if I could stand it (get it? “stand it” cause it has to do with my feet…and walking and standing??? Cripes Sake it’s the best I got tonight guys…lighten up!!!) I feel like I have been walking around NYC all day in mean but cute shoes. I’m curious to find out if this is the year I give up and wear sneakers and a fanny pack or if I forget that my feet hurt and just wear some super sassy little boots…it’s like every day is a surprise!!!

My microwave died so now I have to be all Little House on the Prairie to heat up my foot bag. I mean Little House if  Laura Ingalls had ziplock baggies and an electric stove…wouldn’t that have blown Nelly Olsen’s spoiled bratty mind!!!

I am trying to think of my rolaids as my midnight snack…

3 out of the 4 tee shirts...I can't show you where we put our temporary tattoos...

3 out of the 4 tee shirts…I can’t show you where we put our temporary tattoos…

Dear Diary, Everyone is an Idiot

None of the people buried in this cemetery had Obama Care...and now...they're all dead.

None of the people buried in this cemetery had Obama Care…and now…they’re all dead.

So, Happy St. Patrick’s Day . I’m only wearing green because it looks good on me and if anyone pinched me I would drop kick them right in their hoo ha. Not in the mood. Got up, it was -3 degrees. It’s fricking MARCH!! I wish these global warming experts would step up their campaign and make it WARMER NOW. This is bullshit. I have things to do and I have been very patient with this winter crap. I’m done.

Took my 11 year old to the doctor. She has an ear infection. She hasn’t been sick (needing an antibiotic) in almost 2 years. I totally want some sort of Mom Points for that. We sat in the exam room for an hour before we were seen. An HOUR!! Luckily, she just started reading the second book in the Divergent series (against my better judgement…it was a gift from someone so, yeah). I, on the other hand, had an hour to sit there and ruminate on having to sit there while listening to her sniff snot which is the most annoying sound in the whole wide world.

Came home and called my dermatologist. They no longer take my insurance. Ok. No big deal. I guess these things are a BIG DEAL to some people? Not me…losing a Dr is so low on the scale of things I have lost it doesn’t even register. What’s the point of getting pissy? I go onto the website and find a new Dr who takes my insurance. Whoopdee Do. I call the new Dr and get the receptionist who apparently has a bug up her ass. Personally, if I worked for a doctor, I would ask the doctor to get the bug out of my ass before I had to deal with the public. But that’s just me I guess.  I asked if they accepted my insurance. She said, in a very haughty voice, she had never even heard of my insurance. Ever. I said “Wow! Really! So, are you new at this job then?” And she indignantly replied no, she was not. Ok…back to my original question, does the doctor accept my insurance? Her reply? “No. We do NOT accept that insurance. It is from The Exchange, it’s that Obama Care thing which means it is probably medicare and we don’t deal with medicare patients ever. And really, no one is ever going to make us.” Good Morning Vietnam! I said “Just for future reference ma’am, what I am paying for is not medicaid. I am sorry you have issues with being a human being and I hope you are never treated the way you treat others. Thanks for your time” and I hung up.

This is the second time I have been faced with someone who disapproves of my choices based solely on their own experiences and/or what they have been conditioned to believe. And quite frankly it makes me sick. I guess I have been very VERY fortunate in my life to love and be loved, know, work with and BE someone who is very wealthy. At the same time I have loved, been loved, worked with and BEEN someone who is exceptionally poor. I know people across the income spectrum. Money doesn’t matter to me…YOUR money. I wish I had more but whatever. YOUR income and what YOU chose to do with it is none of my beeswax. Your choice in insurance is also none of my beeswax. I do not understand people who are so incredibly ignorant. I just don’t get it. It’s perfectly fine to have an opinion and if a person were curious and asked me about my choices I would fully explain. But to treat me like I am a moron because I pay out of pocket for health insurance is about as unintelligent as it gets. Also, we could compare a doctor’s salary to mine, or to the receptionist for that matter and then talk about how the doctor went to school to be in a profession that is sworn to HELP people, not a profession that is sworn to make the doctor rich.

I moved on down the list and found a doctor who is much closer to my house and accepts my insurance and apparently accepts me as a human being in this world also. How lovely. Now to find a new lady-parts doctor.

*rant* I am really truly sick of these people who think that just because they have a freaking job that they are better than everyone else. It is such a LOW CLASS attitude to take. Seriously. How about judging people on how they treat you? How about being kind and polite to others regardless of what their w-2 says? Or better yet, how about just taking yourself out of functioning society so the rest of us don’t have to deal with your incredible stupidity. I feel sorry for people like the receptionist today. Her parents obviously did a really awful job raising her and instilling decent values. But, luckily her employer doesn’t accept my insurance so I don’t have to deal with her. *end rant*

I’m done being cranky…for the time being. I might be cranky later, I’m not sure. I haven’t decided yet.

This is the face I was making at the receptionist over the phone. Also, I was standing in a cauldron.

This is the face I was making at the receptionist over the phone. 



Dear Diary, It’s Parade Day

Me at the antique festival last year. I got hot and had to lay down and take my arms off.

Me at the antique festival last year. I got hot and had to lay down and take my arms off.

I hate the St. Patrick’s Day parade. I didn’t used to. Whoa…what kind of a sentence is that…Anywho, I have been ba humbugging  St. Pat’s for a few years now. Resenting St. Patrick’s day is actually a healthier way of coping with my resentment than the way I was coping so…yea me!! I’m not going to get into it so stop pressuring me…Jeeze you guys.

My youngest daughter is named after the first Queen of Ireland. I have red hair and green eyes. We have nothing to prove around here.  Today, I was like level orange pissy about the damn parade.Our city has a fairly large St. Patrick’s Day parade (just to spite me). I apologized to my 11 year old for missing the parade and she said “Mom, I am named after the first queen of Ireland…I AM the parade” and then she did her own version of an Irish jig out the door. That made me feel better.

Besides that, nothing much else was going on. My microwave died so I have had to heat up my foot bag in the oven. That’s not a good idea. It’s still snowing. Still haven’t heard if anyone has found my birth family…I’m waiting….

Every time Diane Rehm says Pussy Riot I giggle.

I’m starting to feel really finite.

This is my dog asking me to open the window because he just farted. True story.

This is my dog asking me to open the window because he just farted. True story.

Dear Diary, Sometimes It’s So Worth It



I scream, you scream, we ALL scream for HOT HOCKEY GUYS!!!!!!

I scream, you scream, we ALL scream for HOT HOCKEY GUYS!!!!!!

So, yesterday the kids and I went to the mall. For hating the mall so much, we sure have been there alot lately. With no money. I’m getting sick of being broke. Something has got to give…and by something I mean someone. Like someone has got to start giving me money because this is getting redonkulous. Maybe one of y’all could get on that? While you are searching for my birth daddy, you could also find me a sugar daddy (CanNOT be the same man. Be reasonable). Hurry up though ok? I saw some wicked cute shoes that I definitely need for Easter.

So, since we don’t have money, we just go into stores and hold up stuff that we like and take pictures of each other with the clothes draped over us. It’s funner that way. We do other stuff too. Like let the girls at the hair straightener kiosk do our hair…and then walk away without buying anything. Someday…someday I will go back and buy their 250 dollar hair straightener…someday right after one of you gets off your ass and finds me my birth family who probably has put away money for me just in case I found them and they wanted to pay me off or something. Hey, I don’t know what kind of birth family I come from! A girl can dream can’t she?

Then, my 15 year old remembered she had a gift certificate for the ice cream shop!!! This was an awesome surprise!!! So, off we skip (no we didn’t cause that would just be weird) to the ice cream shop. We order and sit to eat. When all of the sudden, in walk 3 VERY handsome men. Dressed fancy with bags from fancy stores….and as my eyes were watering from the heat of their hotness, I realized I totally recognized them! They are hockey players for our local minor league hockey team!!! OMG!!! We LOVE hockey…players!!!! So I told my 15 year old and she was over the moon excited and asked if she should say something. I said of course she should say something! But wait!! Timing is everything. We don’t want to make it more awkward than it is going to be.

So, she was sitting there holding in her teenager squeels…waiting….waiting…and they were leaving the ice cream shop….and…..GO NOW GO GO GO!!! So, she goes running out after them and stops them and asks if they are hockey players and they say yes…so she asks if she can have a picture with them and they sort of chuckle and say yes of course….Now I am feeling like a 15 year old myself so I send my 11 year old out with my phone to take the picture. I was star struck. These guys are physically beautiful. They took the pictures and smiled and were very gracious and then they left. My 15 year old came back in and went over every word she said and they said…3 times…Best ice cream shop experience EVER!

Then, we went to work, came home, went to bed, had sweet hockey dreams and today was back to reality. Reality being so different from the world I live in. The world I live in everyone I used to know and love has made the same progress as me in the same time frame. That’s a lovely thought, but certainly not reality. So, I get slapped in the head with the reality of inconsistency, different priorities and special needs. Tomorrow is the big St. Patrick’s Day parade. If it’s not Scottish, it’s crap. And that is how I feel about it.

Throw pillows on the floor make me go ballistic.

I’m really hoping that the missing 777 flight to Malaysia is just a publicity stunt advertising the new Lost series….

She's a maniac...a maniac I know....

She’s a maniac…a maniac I know….

Aunt Viv's outfit circa 1990 Fresh Prince of Bel Air...everything old is new again!

Aunt Viv’s outfit circa 1990 Fresh Prince of Bel Air…everything old is new again!

Dear Diary, Will It Ever End?

This was yesterday. it was  50 degrees. Today it is a Snownado named Vulcan. Way to be an asshole March.

This was yesterday. it was 50 degrees. Today it is a  Snownado named Vulcan. Way to be an asshole March.

The weathermen have been hyping a massive winter storm for the past week. Today is the day. It’s here. Massive. Winter. Storm. Or is it? I guess the only difference between the winters of my youth and the winters of my children’s youth is technology. Weathermen in my day had integrity and honesty and no live doppler. Today, these weathermen have degrees in nonsense and information that really turns them on. Then they get on the TV with their weather boners and get us all hot and bothered about impending snow storms that they name. Yeah, you heard right. They have started naming winter storms. This one is Vulcan. Real sexy name. Vulcan.Whatever. It’s snowing. The roads are bad.

So, the kids had school but got out early. That’s cool. Absolutely everything is closed. Including grocery stores, malls, churches gas stations and highways. I want to bitch about the weather but why bother. I want to move to New Orleans. I want my dog to be trained. I also want some dental floss but that’s neither here nor there.

I didn’t have work so I made dinner. I washed the dog. I played some games with the kids. We are out of butter and toilet paper. How this happened I have no idea.

I think I am going to start taking offense at people calling other people crazy.

I wonder when I stopped being afraid of the dark.

Just what the hell kind of pair is that????

Just what the hell kind of pair is that????

Dear Diary, Day of Well, You Decide

I can take all the pictures I want but if my car wants to hide, I'm not going to be able to find it.

I can take all the pictures I want but if my car wants to hide, I’m not going to be able to find it.

Yesterday I had a date. We decided to meet on The Hill. Our local University area. I haven’t been on The Hill in many, many years. I did my teenage angst on The Hill. So many friends from back then are just gone to the abyss that is my memory. A few died and quite a few are still here, like in this world, not here at my house.

I decided to park in the parking garage rather than drive around opening up myself to the flood of memories that were sure to come. Now, among my many other quirks, is my recent habit of losing my car. I’ve tried all the tricks to remember where I park (I don’t remember what tricks I have tried so don’t quiz me). So, yesterday, being nervous about my date and nervous about being on The Hill I thought I should be really smart and take a picture of the sign just above where I parked. Took a deep breath and walked out into my youth. Everything looks very different but extremely the same.

There’s The Beach but no one is sitting there, smoking, waiting, fucking off. There’s the mexican restaurant but it’s bigger and no one is throwing up out front. There’s where the record store used to be…no music. There’s Chucks. No one is playing hackey sack outside waiting to go inside and play pool. No one was here except college students…and my date!!

So, we went to the old pizza shop where everyone wanted to work when we were kids. The pizza is all fancy now…and really very good. The date went swimmingly. A bit like being on a date with an old friend who was all grown up now. Very nice. We left and walked by the shoe store and where the Baskin and Robbins used to be. Although it was a beautiful day there were no skaters, no smokers, no one seemed drunk or loud. And no one was yelling about doing a back flip for a quarter.  The bittersweetness was overwhelming. I don’t do well with nostalgia.

So, here we are, I have to go to get the kids and stuff. He walks me to my car, which should not be a complicated thing. But this is me, Queen of Bad Decisions and Lost Cars. I remembered I parked in the garage, I was pretty proud of myself for that one. I remembered I was on the purple level 5. Up 6 flights because I am bad at math, down one flight and there begins The Great car Search 2014. I was using my car honking button and we would think we knew where it was and off we would go in that direction. Nope. Not there. Try again, back the other way. Nope. Do it again, off this way. Um, no. Again, follow me! Aaaaa no. 10 minutes jumping between levels and searching between cars. Listening, walking, nothing. Personally, I thought this was hysterical. I mean come on. Who does this? Well, yeah, I do and we know that but this is the first date with this guy. I can only imagine what was going on in his mind. Had I known him better I would have had a total break down and just tried to get in a car that looked like mine. But I was trying to hold it together.

He was a very good sport. We finally found the car. Really, I thought the lost car part was really really funny. Not because I lost my car, that happens all the time. But because I lost my car on a first date with this guy who doesn’t really know me and my bff’s words of “just don’t be crazy” were ringing in my ears. I try, but I am who I am even though I don’t eat spinach. But he hung tough. I give him props for not just ditching me and running away down the exit ramp.

There’s more to the story but I’m not going to tell you. Bunch of perverts you are. Came home, dog, kid, sleep. I had to email by bestie because I needed to share the experience of going home, but not really ever being able to go home. Oh and how I’m probably going to die alone, feet from my lost car someday…

I have issues with going thru doors

I’m so glad I’m not in Guatemala right now.

It's like....the same...but different...but kinda the same....

It’s like….the same…but different…but kinda the same….