Dear Diary, It’s A Three Shower Kind Of Day

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See that steaming hot pot of water? Dump that on my foot. Good thinkin! But first, lemme go step on a rusty nail...I'm a fun gal.

See that steaming hot pot of water? Dump that on my foot. Good thinkin! But first, lemme go step on a rusty nail…I’m a fun gal.

Today on the continuing saga that is my life, I decided I would step on a rusty nail. Just because I have never done that before! A few weeks ago TWO black cats ran across the street in front of my car. And at the time I chose to believe that it was a sign of good luck. Because the Chinese believe black cats are good luck. I’m not Chinese. Just to be safe, I counted bouncing two checks and forgetting about the kid’s dentist appointment as my “black cat bad luck” . I was wrong. As I usually am. Ask my mother, she’ll tell you. Anyway, I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for the other shoe to drop. Although, in retrospect, I should have waited because then I would have had better shoes on when I decided to step on a rusty nail. C’est La Vie.

Here’s how today unfolded…I woke up, usual stuff, took the dog to the dog park. Watched him sniff butts and pee on stuff until it started to rain. Drove the 40 minutes home with a wet dog in the back seat. Put him in his crate and went to Hobby Lobby. I know, I know, we are not supposed to shop at Hobby Lobby. It is a bad place because they want to keep their female employees barefoot and pregnant. BUT they have such FUN STUFF!!!! I mean, honest to Jesus, their isle  of old fashion tin signs has GOT to be modeled after Heaven. So, I am a trader to my sex, my beliefs, my political party and the entire Woman’s Movement from 1912 till today. But God is probably cool with me and I am going to vote for Hillary regardless. Then, to compound my political incorrectness, I went to Walmart. Confessing this probably just got me kicked out of the club. But Walmart has cheap play sand (most likely it is ground up bones of the old people who died from lack of health care while working as greeters).

Came home with my cool ass vintage looking sign and 4 bags of ground up old people bones and got busy! I gingerly tip toed, in my flip flops, to the junky side of the old garage to fix the window that was crooked. I was armed with my hammer and two nails I found on the gardening bench in the shed. Because the good nails are in the basement and that would mean walking literally 1/2 of an acre and then I would be in the house so I would have no excuse to not change into my sneakers.You see my logic right? I fixed the window and literally said out loud “I hope I don’t step on a rusty nail!”, turned around, took one step, right onto a rusty nail. Nailed my foot to a board that had a rusty nail sticking straight up. And that is what I get for shopping at Hobby Lobby. I’m sure there is some Jesus/nail/ foot connection but in that moment, there was just pain. And shock. So, I used my other foot to hold the wood down while I lifted up the nailed in foot.

I hobbled out saying out loud ” I can’t believe that just happened” and I called the doctor. Because my mom is mad at me and the doctor isn’t (or at least I don’t think the doctor is? ) The doctor said I needed to come right in for a tetanus shot. She wasn’t just kidding! I swear my jaw started to lock up as I was speaking to her! It’s like lava, tornadoes and lock jaw were the biggest fears of my childhood. I drove straight over and they gave me a shot.

Came home, limped into the house, started dinner using the brand new grill! It has a side burner where I can make the salt potatoes! After dinner, the kids cleaned up and I decided that I could just toss the salt potato water on the lawn. Or…I could dump the still very HOT salt potato water right on my foot with the puncture wound. Option two sounds about right. Scalded my foot. That’s fun. Now I have lock jaw, a puncture wound and a third degree burn all on the same foot. I wonder if I become Chinese my luck would change? This is putting a real dent in my latest pedicure obsession. Life is so difficult sometimes…I blame Obama…and Hobby Lobby and the Chinese.

Look at it. LOOK. AT. IT!!!!!

Look at it. LOOK. AT. IT!!!!!

 

 

 

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