I woke up this morning, I yawned, I stretched, I made note of all the places my body hurts, I decided to do the laundry, and then I rolled out of bed. I went potty, brushed my teeth, washed my face, gathered up the laundry from the kids rooms and stood in the hallway and sorted. Lights, darks, bleach. It was a very meditative experience. Lights, darks, bleach. Nothing going on in my head except lights, darks, bleach. I walked into the bathroom to grab the dirty clothes that the kids refuse to toss into the hallway laundry basket. I don’t know why they refuse. I guess they feel more comfortable just leaving dirty clothes on the bathroom floor and who am I to make them feel uncomfortable? I’m just the mom *sigh*
Anyway, I turn around, walk out of the bathroom, through the hallway, around the piles of lights, darks, bleaches and right into what I think is cat puke. I do my little I-Stepped-In-Cat-Puke-First-Thing-In-The-Morning song as I wipe it off (without looking at it) on one of the dirty towels that were so conveniently piled up on the floor. Yes, I have a I-Stepped-In-Cat-Puke-First-Thing-In-The-Morning song as I have lived with cats for all of my whole entire life and for some reason unbeknownst to me, my cats puke right in my path to the bathroom. Also, I grew up with braided rugs and oriental carpets which, by design, are perfect for camouflaging cat puke. It’s a good song and it stops me from completely going insane.
There is a dance that goes along with the song. It involves hopping on one foot and shaking my hands and making some serious Jim Carrey faces while flapping my arms like a bird and doing head rolls. Stop being all judgey…it helps. Go step in some cat puke first thing in the morning and tell me my song and dance DON’T help. Whatev. I dance into the bathroom, grab a washcloth and the soap and scrub my foot in the tub. While still singing my song. I dry off my foot and go inspect the cat puke area. Guess what? Turns out it isn’t cat puke!!! It is the exposed internal organs of a dead mouse!!! How do I know? Because the head is still attached!!! That’s right folks! I squished the internal organs of a mouse through my toes first thing in the morning! That changed my tune!
Instead of crying like a little baby, I went into my 11 year old’s room to wake her up and share my experience through the new song that I had just made up right there on the spot! Because I have had an I-Stepped-In-Cat-Puke-First-Thing-In-The-Morning song, I even have an I-Stepped-In-Dog-Poop-First-Thing-In-The-Morning song but today was the debut of the I-Stepped-On-Dead-Mouse-Guts-First-Thing-In-The-Morning song and my 11 year old thought it was AWESOME! and absolutely disgusting and that I should stop singing immediately. I went to my 15 year old’s room and woke her up with a better rendition and she threw a pillow at me. Not because of my singing, I think she actually liked my song, but because she knew that she would have to clean up the remnants and since I have copyrights to all of my songs she would not be allowed to sing MY I-Stepped-On-Dead-Mouse-Guts-First-Thing-In-The-Morning song without paying me royalties.
This is what happens when I forget to buy cat food. People make jokes about cats being assholes but my cats are like the mafia. They don’t get fed, I WILL find a mouse head in my bed (or in my path to the bathroom). Now, I am going to show you the picture of what I stepped on. If you are squeamish (or a little scaredy cat baby who can’t take it) don’t look. Hey, that’s more warning that I got!