Monthly Archives: August 2014

Dear Diary, I Made Up A New Song!

Standard

I woke up this morning, I yawned, I stretched, I made note of all the places my body hurts, I decided to do the laundry, and then I rolled out of bed. I went potty, brushed my teeth, washed my face, gathered up the laundry from the kids rooms and stood in the hallway and sorted. Lights, darks, bleach. It was a very meditative experience. Lights, darks, bleach. Nothing going on in my head except lights, darks, bleach. I walked into the bathroom to grab the dirty clothes that the kids refuse to toss into the hallway laundry basket. I don’t know why they refuse. I guess they feel more comfortable just leaving dirty clothes on the bathroom floor and who am I to make them feel uncomfortable? I’m just the mom *sigh* 

Anyway, I turn around, walk out of the bathroom, through the hallway, around the piles of lights, darks, bleaches and right into what I think is cat puke. I do my little I-Stepped-In-Cat-Puke-First-Thing-In-The-Morning song as I wipe it off (without looking at it) on one of the dirty towels that were so conveniently piled up on the floor. Yes, I have a I-Stepped-In-Cat-Puke-First-Thing-In-The-Morning song as I have lived with cats for all of my whole entire life and for some reason unbeknownst to me, my cats puke right in my path to the bathroom. Also, I grew up with braided rugs and oriental carpets which, by design, are perfect for camouflaging cat puke. It’s a good song and it stops me from completely going insane. 

There is a dance that goes along with the song. It involves hopping on one foot and shaking my hands and making some serious Jim Carrey faces while flapping my arms like a bird and doing head rolls. Stop being all judgey…it helps. Go step in some cat puke first thing in the morning and tell me my song and dance DON’T help. Whatev. I dance into the bathroom, grab a washcloth and the soap and scrub my foot in the tub. While still singing my song. I dry off my foot and go inspect the cat puke area. Guess what? Turns out it isn’t cat puke!!! It is the exposed internal organs of a dead mouse!!! How do I know? Because the head is still attached!!! That’s right folks! I squished the internal organs of a mouse through my toes first thing in the morning! That changed my tune!

Instead of crying like a little baby, I went into my 11 year old’s room to wake her up and share my experience through the new song that I had just made up right there on the spot! Because I have had an I-Stepped-In-Cat-Puke-First-Thing-In-The-Morning song, I even have an I-Stepped-In-Dog-Poop-First-Thing-In-The-Morning song but today was the debut of the I-Stepped-On-Dead-Mouse-Guts-First-Thing-In-The-Morning song and my 11 year old thought it was AWESOME! and absolutely disgusting and that I should stop singing immediately. I went to my 15 year old’s room and woke her up with a better rendition and she threw a pillow at me. Not because of my singing, I think she actually liked my song, but because she knew that she would have to clean up the remnants and since I have copyrights to all of my songs she would not be allowed to sing MY I-Stepped-On-Dead-Mouse-Guts-First-Thing-In-The-Morning song without paying me royalties.  

This is what happens when I forget to buy cat food. People make jokes about cats being assholes but my cats are like the mafia. They don’t get fed, I WILL find a mouse head in my bed (or in my path to the bathroom). Now, I am going to show you the picture of what I stepped on. If you are squeamish (or a little scaredy cat baby who can’t take it) don’t look. Hey, that’s more warning that I got! 

 

 

 

 

I have no more words. RIP  Stewart...sorry I stepped on your spleen and thought it was cat puke.

I have no more words. RIP Stewart…sorry I stepped on your spleen and thought it was cat puke.

 

 

 

Dear Diary, In Conclusion….

Standard
That's alotta people just standing under that No Standing sign. NYC Broadway types are the epitome of anarchy.

That’s alotta people just standing under that No Standing sign. NYC Broadway types are the epitome of anarchy.

So, we didn’t get back to the hotel until well after 2:30am and that is past my bedtime, by like, alot. I did shower before I got into bed though and here is why : NYC is grosser than gross. Or maybe I am grosser than gross when I am in NYC…that is a possibility. I walk fast and sweat. I do not understand these people who are wearing scarves and long sleeves in the summer, in the city, in the summer, in the city (It’s a song ya know?). Plus, I had three pairs of shoes in my purse, all had been worn at some point during the day. Add to that a bra wet with sweat and smelly socks. It’s a long story, but trust me when I say that there was no avoiding touching the bottom of shoes that had been worn all over Manhattan.

Here is how our day went : We got up, found a bagel shop and a Starbucks and the train station. Now, we parked in this very, very , very old parking lot that happened to be about 5 blocks from the actual station. To park in this lot you had to fold up 15 dollars very small and shove them through a slot on a board. Yes you did! We stood there for a bit with another couple debating the pros and cons of how we thought the contraption worked. Finally, a criminal came over and informed us that yes indeed the situation was what it looked to be. So, the other couple stuffed their money in, we stuffed ours in and then we walked. I have no idea why the hell we had to park 5 blocks away from the station. Down a long, dark alley, under an overpass with broken glass scattered all over the sidewalk and then along a fence with razor wire at the top…it’s VACATION!!!!!!!!!

Got to the station and hopped right on the train! Sat down and immediately realized I was having a gallbladder attack! So, that was 2 hours of making a plan on what to do if I needed help and googling gallbladder attack remedies. Got off the train, went to a couple of flea markets, then to the movies. The kids were dying to see some cheezebag movie that had just come out and I knew the bathrooms at the movie place would be nice enough to change into our evening clothes. Met a lovely older lady and had a great discussion about the movie. Charged my phone, changed our clothes, took my 15 year old to the Broadway show she had tickets for. Her friend met her there. My 11 year old and I hopped back on the subway, and went to Ninja Restaurant. That was SO. MUCH. FUN!!!! Jumped on the subway, met my 15 year old and her friend at the stage door and got autographs and pics with the stars of the show!

Parted ways with her friend, jumped on S to get to Grand Central to catch the train back to New Haven. That sounds like an easy thing but if you read this you will understand that nothing is easy. We were exhausted.  And I had to pee. So, the train leaves the platform and I head to the bathroom. I check before I squat that there is tp. There is NO tp. I pull myself together and go back to our seat. I rummage through my purse (touching dirty shoes and sweaty bras) looking for a tissue or napkin. Nada. How is it possible that I have been a mom for 20 years and I don’t have a crumpled up tissue in the bottom of my purse? Oh that’s right…I skipped my Mommy Club dues to be able to afford this frickin trip. My only option? A smelly sock. I decided to check the bathroom two cars down. Same sitch. But, I noticed this pull down table thingy next to the toilet and just in case it was a secret tp stash, I pulled it down…It wasn’t. It was a place to put potato chip bags filled with vomit. And as I closed it back up, I got a strong whiff of someone’s vomit along with a splash that landed on my thumb. Now, I have to pee, no toilet paper, stranger puke on my thumb and all I have is a sock. That about sums up my life. Listen, I did what I had to do. You have no idea what it’s like living on the edge…Let’s all just be impressed with my resourcefulness and leave it at that, OK?

We hopped off the train, hopped in a cab (because there is NO WAY I was going to spend money on a better motel in a better area and then get killed on the way to my car. THAT would be such a  waste!!!!) jumped in our car, locked the doors and drove back to the motel. Stumbled into our room, the kids fell on the bed and were out before I could say goodnight. I immediately showered HOT to rid myself of the memory of chip bag vomit and socks…

Crawled into bed and was out.

It was a wonderful day. We met alot of people. Most of them were asking me for directions. Which I gave out like I knew what I was talking about. Because people are just looking to have an adventure, they don’t really want to know how to get there! Today we got up, found our bagel and Starbucks and hit the road for home. But on the way home is the Basketball Hall Of Fame. So, we had to stop…took the tour, played the games, had a blast! They have a Cold Stone Creamery and so, we had a treat. THEN we were on our way home. Over all it was an epic vacation, but every vacation we take is epic in some way.

And now I know what happens to the “missing” sock….

That's my FAV guy right there!!!! So close I could throw a sock at him!!! Good thing I didn't as it came in real handy a little bit later!

That’s my FAV guy right there!!!! So close I could throw a sock at him!!! Good thing I didn’t as it came in real handy a little bit later!

Dear Diary, It’s The Most Epic Vacation Ever!!

Standard
And then we had to run away from the sand seal who popped up out of nowhere and  tried to steal our Doritos...Connecticut...who knew?

And then we had to run away from the sand seal who popped up out of nowhere and tried to steal our Doritos…Connecticut…who knew?

As we all know by now, my vacations suck. They always have all my life. From the first time I went to Disney when I was 5 and came down with the flu and strep throat and almost died, right up till this past May when I took the kids to NYC and spent 2 days lost in the subway. This vacation is no different. I guess since I expect nothing, I am never disappointed. That is my consolation. 

Someone gave my 15 year old two free tickets to a Broadway show. That means I have to figure out how to get us to NYC and back…on zero dollars. This is sort of my specialty…well, that and having sucky vacations. I wonder if those two things are connected….???….nah….Anyway, how do you get from Upstate NY to NYC you might ask. Well, through Connecticut of course! I’m a sucker for a road trip. And New Haven CT is on the ocean. Drop the dog to the boarders and off we go!

I had booked us a hotel, a wicked cheap hotel, in New Haven CT. The plan was to drive to CT, tour Yale University, hit the beach, go back to the hotel, sleep, get up, take the train into NYC, window shop, then, my 15 year old, and her buddy who is already in NYC, go see the show while my 11 year old and I do other free NYC stuff, get the 15 year old after the show, take the train back to CT, to the motel, sleep,get up, drive home. Ta DA! 

We were right on schedule. Drove into a really sketchy area, but that’s par for the course with me. No matter where I go I always seem to be able to find the scariest part of town. It’s like my super power…Generally, we just go THROUGH the bad part of town but not today! Today, we follow the GPS and it leads us right to an Econo Lodge straight out of an episode of CSI. But we won’t judge a book by it’s cover…or a motel by it’s crime scene tape…we go into the lobby, such as it was, and check in. Get our key, push down our misgivings and fears and head to our room. The chipped paint is something I could overlook. My house needs a paint job desperately so…I get it. The weeds growing up through the cracks in the parking lot…my driveway is really weedy, the cigarette butts littering the walkway…well, smokers can be careless…the old lady who fell on the stairway and decided to not get up…we all have those sort of days don’t we? 

We got to our room, opened the door and were greeted by the most horrific smell. Now that is saying something as I lived with Spencer who was trying to kill me with his farts. But this smell, this was something special. It was cheap incense with an underpinning of urine and a subtle hint of old blood…Truly it was unique. And spine tingling terrifying. We came in, shut the door and my 11 year old said “Hey! At least there’s a microwave!” which was not plugged in and just sitting on the floor next to the door making a sort of weak whining sound. I had to pee so I used the restroom. It was a pee-while-squatting sort of sitch…ladies know what I mean. I came out, told the kids to put on their suits. We had to get out of this nasty nasty room. So, we headed to the ocean.

It was overcast and chilly. But the kids jumped right in and swam. There was a little water park and a light house that we couldn’t touch and a carousel that we weren’t allowed near and the best part was when the truck came to clean out the porta potties that were UPwind from where I was sitting. Connecticut is filled with incredible scents…

Maybe it was the breeze from the ocean, maybe it was the breeze from the porta potty but I had a brilliant idea whilst sitting on the beach…we would go to Walmart and buy pillows and some quilts and put them on the beds and sleep on them thereby protecting us from the communicable diseases and bed bugs! So, I google Walmart and of course there are 3 within 5 miles of each other and me! Makes sense right? We drive to the one that is closest to our hotel. But ya know, I get a better idea on the way! Let’s just find another hotel! And I look to my left and there is a Days Inn! I go in to check to see if they have a room for us and we get the last one! But, before we went in, we sat in the car and debated getting a new hotel because like I said, I am doing this on my good looks and I’m not sure my looks are good enough for a Days Inn. We get out of the car, my 15 year old in her red bikini bottoms with her white see thru cover up, my 11 year old in her swim suit and jean shorts which immediately fall to her ankles when she stands up and me with my wild hair and no make up…we are lookin GOOD!  We would like to see the room first please…being all discriminating consumer like…He opens the door and it doesn’t smell like death, there is nothing in the microwave and the toilet seat isn’t crusty…it’s like Heaven on earth. 

So, we drive back to the other hotel, check out, step over the chalk outline of a body, get back in the car and GO GO GO!!!!

The kids learned many lessons today. The least of which is to always check the Yelp reviews before booking a 50 dollar a night hotel. I could tell you how hard we laughed at ourselves and our situation today. It takes a special kind of silly to be able to laugh at this sort of stuff I know. So, although I would not recommend this route, especially if you are on a budget, I will say that we can find the fun in just about anything up to and including a motel with an active on site murder investigation! 

Check back tomorrow for our adventures in NYC…

This bird was such an asshole. He was totally stalking me because he knew I had a sandwich in my purse.

This bird was such an asshole. He was totally stalking me because he knew I had a sandwich in my purse.