Monthly Archives: March 2015

So, What Do You Do For Fun?


Woke up and the pipes were frozen. So, I throw on my coat and my daughter’s faux Uggs and walk out the back door, down the ice covered stairs, over the Mountain of Snow And Random Garbage That Spilled From A Bag Back In November and into the basement. I looked around for leaks and saw none. I gingerly opened the door to the Random Animal Morgue (never have I found an actual dead animal body in this room but it seems like it would be a perfect place for an animal morgue) to check the furnace and the water heater. Everything looks normal. Well, excluding me. I look like a freak. And then I notice the window…the only window in the Animal Morgue…it’s open. I walk over to inspect the situation and find the window pane on the floor, unbroken. Very odd. The window had been nailed in. This is the first time in my day that I wish I had a partner to turn to and discuss the weirdness with. I don’t have a partner but I do have an imagination so I just talk to myself about the strange situation…which I am guessing is also the reason I don’t have a partner? Paradoxical right?

I put the window pane back in, go upstairs and get the space heater, bring that into the Animal Morgue, plug it in, shut the door and say a prayer. My prayer went something like “Dear God, please let that work because it is 6am and I have so much to do today and ya know, I have already done the frozen pipes thing TWICE this year so…I’m pretty sure I have met the quota. Thanks. Bye” I walked out of the basement and forgot to duck (because the basement door is slightly shorter than I am) and slammed my head on the frame. Hard. I guess I deserved that. Because…..yeah.

I came inside and went upstairs to get ready for my day. No way am I going to let some frozen pipes and a slight concussion stop ME from living my life! And then the dog poops on the rug. It is now 6:15am and I have dealt with so much, just, so much. But I’m not going to let a little dog poop get me down! No sir!!

I’ll skip the rest of the day part except to tell you that about 8am I started having the most massive, unusual stomach pain I have ever experienced. Not cramps, more like a tennis ball with razor blades rolling around my body cavity. It was INTENSE!!! Every 15 minutes or so I would stop what I was doing and grimace in pain, sweat, cry and then it would pass only to come back as if I had swallowed ┬ásome demented Serena Williams and she was living in my abdomen batting around a razor blade tennis ball. Get out of my abdomen Serena Williams!

And then I made the first good decision of the day and I went to the ER. No one was there so I was waited on immediately. That never happens. Remember that time I sliced off the tip of my finger and they made us wait for like 3 hours with my poor daughter holding the severed tip on a paper towel. Ew. The Dr came in and asked if I was pregnant or the Virgin Mary. Neither. Odd question. After a few more questions like ” What’s your favorite color” and ” What classic movie character are you” he ran some blood tests and ordered a CT Scan. The best part of the CT scan is the contrast dye. Contrast dye makes me giggle. Only veterans of the CT scan will know why.

While I was downstairs giggling about the contrast dye, they moved a drunk guy into my room. Now, it wasn’t MY room per say. Just…I was there first…so, I claimed it as mine. Drunk guy didn’t care. He just wanted a samich. As I waited for my Dr to come back and tell me all they found on the CT was a giant fart and I was being a big baby, Drunk Guy went into the Spouting Off Profound Shit part of his drunk and said “It’s fun being crazy but it’s not fun being insane” And just as I was about to agree and meditate on that he said ” Unicorns are what’s killing our economy. If the people would stop feeding the unicorns we would all be better off. This ain’t China ya know. We don’t get to only have ONE baby.” Cue my doctor coming around the corner with a diagnoses for me. It wasn’t just a giant fart as I had both hoped and feared. It is a massive bladder infection. I had put all my money on gallbladder. Now I am broke because I lost AND I have a bladder infection. What a way to end the day. They shoot me up and give me pills, tell me I will feel shittier before I feel better and send me out the door. Drunk Guy blew me a kiss and then gave me the finger. I thought that was an appropriate send off. Here’s a picture of the tube thingy sticking out of my arm.

bloody tube arm