Today, I finished my bathroom floor tile project. I didn’t WANT to finish it. I wanted to give up, leave it half done and take a nap instead. Not because I am lazy…well, partly because I am lazy. Mostly because I was having a dizzy spell. Between us, I sort of enjoy my dizzy spells. It’s like being drunk without getting sick or pregnant. Seeings how I am not drunk or pregnant, I knew I needed to finish this project.
First, I had to fill in all of the blank spots with cut tile pieces. I cut the tile pieces with my handy dandy hand held tile cutter. I used the box of tiles to cut on. Because I’m a bad ass. Once I had those pieces glued down, I had to go pick up the kid from her job. When I got back I mixed up the grout. But, I didn’t have a big stirrer thing so…I improvised with my Cuisinart. Genius. Maybe I will start my own floor tile business after all! Grout mixed. Started grouting. Got about 1/3rd done and ran out of grout. I think the one 10 pound bag would have covered more of the floor but I felt the need to grout my pajama bottoms too, so…
I went to pick up the other kid from school and made her run into the store for more grout. Got the last 10 pound pure white bag. Sometimes my life works out like that. Sometimes I step on a dead mouse. Comme si comme sa. I mix up some more grout and grout grout grout. I am grout. In between grouting sessions I wipe down the tile with that big ole yellow sponge. And I dump the grouty water down the tub drain (I audibly heard a collective groan from the handymen in the audience). Yeah, I know. Grout is essentially cement and dumping cement down the shower drain could conceivably put me right back where I started. I started with having my bathroom floor ripped up so that the plumber could get to the pipes that were about to explode. But I don’t always believe the rules really apply to me. I also don’t believe in that whole Fall Back Spring Ahead bullshit but you already knew that.
And so, as I was finishing up, I notice that my tub is no longer draining. At all. Seems legit. Step one : fork the drain. Now, if you have ever lived with girls (or boys with long hair) you know that hair gets all stuffed up in the drain. It’s so nasty. But I take a fork and spaghetti twirl the hair from the drain. Step two : have the kid go to the store and get two bottles of Liquid Plumber. Step three : pray.
I dump in one bottle and we have to go drop the kid to rehearsal. I come home and run the hot water whilst I clean up my groutastic mess. I know I should hit the floor one more time with the polishing sponge but I am so dead tired I want to pinch you really hard on your upper arm. You know that shit hurts. Lucky for you that I can’t really bend my fingers. My hands are so dry that they feel like they are going to blow right off my wrists if the wind blows just right. My cousin said that’s because there’s alot of lye in the grout. I, of course, misunderstood him and thought he meant I should LIE in the grout. Not sure how having my entire body submerged in grout would make my hands feel better…maybe it would dry out my whole body and then my hands wouldn’t feel so weird? Logical in a way. You are starting to see why I am the way I am aren’t you? I guess the ultimate test will be when I take a shower in a few minutes…if my feet aren’t burned off because of Liquid Plumber back up then I will call this two day affair a HUGE success.
Overall, I am satisfied with the result. Would I do it again? Well, if I HAD to I could…I say the same thing about marriage. And bangs. And jazzercize.