Monthly Archives: February 2016

So, THAT’S What Labor Looks Like…

Standard
I mean, really, life is never more perfect...

I mean, really, life is never more perfect…

I’m a grandma!!! Or possibly a Nana…although, I might be a Ruby…what I am trying to say is my oldest daughter had a baby on Friday!! And I was her coach!! Now, having had 3 children myself and successfully completing the How To Have A Baby course offered by the hospital, you would think I would have recognized the signs of labor. And before Friday, I would have agreed with you.

I was induced for all 3 of my babies, so MY labor was “hard labor” from the moment they hooked me up to the pitocin. Which is why, when my daughter was writhing in agony on the floor of my bathroom, I was thinking “looks like about 3cm and at least 8 hours and an epidural away from a baby”. I mean, she never SAID she was in labor! This is her first baby, she is my first baby. I just assumed her labor and delivery would be just like mine were…induced, long, painful until the epidural kicked in and then 2 pushes and done! Oh and also, she would be 2 weeks over due. In fact, I said this so much she believed me! So, when she started having cramps and back pain 2 weeks BEFORE her due date, she just assumed it was a bruised tailbone or something.

It is partially her father’s “fault” too. He knows a spot on the leg to push to kick start labor. He massaged this spot on my leg when I was pregnant with our 3rd and she was born a day early. She was over to his house on Wednesday and he showed her the spot…which was quite tender when he pressed it. And about 36 hours later…BABY!

Anyway, Thursday night she kept saying she was so uncomfortable. Lots of cramping and her back hurt. Instead of me saying “Let’s call the doctor” I said “Let’s bring down the barcalounger from upstairs so you can recline a bit” Because, she was due March 2nd. It was February 18th. And the 1968 barcalounger, that was my mother’s, will absolutely help her feel better. Her sister and I banged it down the stairs and set it up for her and she sat there for about an hour and then decided to go to bed because she felt pretty lousy. And Dr. Mom here said “Yeah, my knees hurt so, I’ll probably head up too…” And we went to bed. About 1:30am she came into my room saying her back really hurt and she just felt awful. So, I did some of the massage techniques and she shifted about trying to find a position of relief. There was no relief though, because she was in active, hard labor. But I was still thinking she might just be really feeling being 9 months pregnant. I now understand how women  have babies in public restrooms. Denial runs strong in this family.

We timed her ‘uncomfortableness” and it was about every 5 minutes. That seems like a good time for me to take a shower. WHAT?!?!?! Yeah, because in my mind, there was no way that this baby was coming 2 weeks early after just an hour of hard labor. First time babies take forever! With lots of intervention and a hospital! I packed my bag, took a shower, she laid on the floor of my bedroom and threw up everything she had ever eaten in her entire life. I woke up her sister and told her to go start the car, put the dog in the crate and bring down the bags. My daughter got off the toilet, laid down on the bathroom floor and told me she was not going to move. And THAT was when I finally realized that HOLY SHIT! SHE WAS IN LABOR!! And I kicked it into high gear!

I yelled for her sister, I told my daughter that she IS getting off that floor and she IS going downstairs and getting in the car and we will help her. She said “No” I said “As soon as you get to the hospital they will give you some good drugs to ease this pain. You want to be done with this pain right?” She said “Ok” and her sister and I pulled her up, got her into some clothes, into the car and off we went to the hospital that was 35 minutes away. This was about 3:30am.

I truly thought that as soon as we got her outside and in the car, her “uncomfortableness”  would slow down. Wrong again. I really shouldn’t be allowed to think anymore. We started driving and she literally did an Exorcist move where she was aching backwards over the front seat while her feet almost went through the dashboard. While I was holding her hand and telling her what a great job she was doing and to breathe, I was actually debating if I should just run the stoplights. But naw….she can’t be THAT far along. Because labor doesn’t look like this. Labor looks like being in a hospital bed, hooked up to IVs. She can’t really be in labor, 2 weeks early. Yeah.

We got to the hospital at 4:09am her sister went in to get the wheelchair because there was no way she was walking anywhere at this point. They triage-d her and guess what? You can probably guess, although I was still clueless…she was 10cm and ready to push! Wait…WHAT?!?!?!

They rushed her to the delivery room, and she immediately started pushing. Her water broke there on the table and with me holding one leg, the nurse holding the other and her sister near her head whispering words of encouragement, with 6 pushes she brought my grandson into the world! At 4:54am.

The next day, while baby nursed, we went over exactly how the heck she just delivered her first baby, 2 weeks early with no pain medication, with less than 3 hours of hard labor… amazing. I have never been so amazed by her in my whole life. And I have watched her do some pretty amazing things. Like be born, take her first steps, ride a bike, drive a car…but the way she handled giving birth to her son will always top the list of Amazing Things My Daughter Has Done. Me? I will cross Midwife off my list of possible jobs…

 

Advertisements

She Touched The Butt

Standard
Don't trust a butt massage by it's cover...

Don’t trust a butt massage by it’s cover…

I’m going to let you in on a few secrets that help keep me sane…I take ambien to sleep and I am addicted to pedicures. You might think that these two things are unrelated but, you would be wrong. And would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? Exactly. So, last night after I took my ambien, I bought a groupon for an hour foot massage. Why? Because I was trying to break my pedicure addiction and about 45 minutes after taking my ambien, I get purchasey.

My pedicure addiction began when I needed something to do when my kids went to their father’s  for the weekend. I was encouraged by all of my single mom pals to “do something for myself” and “enjoy having some alone time”. Two years later, I am worried that my toenails might fall off. Logically, I thought that just getting a foot massage without the clipping, filing, grating and acid bath might save my toes. What I wasn’t prepared for was losing my virginity. Ok, that’s an exaggeration…but you’ll understand once I tell you what all took place.

So, I have seen these “foot massage” places popping up recently around town. I pegged one of them as a “happy ending” sort of joint. A “rub and tug”. A “suck, bang, blow”. But what do I know really? I’m just a naive old lady who has watched way too many HBO shows. Last night a groupon pops up for a place right near the pedicure place for half off an hour foot massage with reflexology. That must be for me! I bought the shit out of that groupon and today, I went to Angel’s Reflexology Foot Massage Palace for an hour foot massage.

I’m horrible at getting massages. My body is always in pain and my mind never shuts up.  I make my daughter take a picture of me before I left, just in case I get kidnapped and sold into some sort of middle aged white lady sex massage ring or killed, but really just because I  liked my outfit and I wanted to remember it for next week when I go out with the girls. Off I go to possibly get molested!

I walk in and right there in the entry way are recliners with two people reclined in them both getting foot massages. Well, this is awkward. They put me into the chair next to them and take my glasses so I am now blind. I can see blurry shapes but that’s about it. They bring out a big bucket and stick my feet into it. Then the massage lady starts with my head. Not sure what that has to do with a foot massage but she’s the professional so…

She was massaging my face, focused on the sinuses and it was actually pretty good, except that I was holding in cackling laughs thinking about the faces she is making my face make when all of the sudden she pinches my nose closed. That’s never happened before. Just pinched my nose close. All the way closed. I was wondering if I was supposed to switch to breathing through my mouth, if this was some sort of weird sex game…but I wasn’t there for sex so I held my breath for as long as possible and then I just opened my mouth just a tiny bit and took a breath through the side. She let go. I think I won that round.

Next she grabbed my arm and smacked it. Hard. Then she massaged down my arm, hitting every trigger point on the way. She got to my stomach, put her hands on my pubic bone and gave it a pop. Huh. Not sure what that was about. She got to my legs and feet. My pants pushed up above my knees cutting off circulation which sort of defeats the purpose I suppose. She worked on one leg for a long time. Then the other leg and I thought that would be it. But oh was I wrong.

She told me to flip over. I was in a recliner. I was thinking this was going to be a super awkward position, laying on my stomach in a recliner. BUT, as I sat up she did some voodoo magic and a hole opened up right where my face goes. Unfortunately, it was just a round hole so my face went to far through and every time she massaged my shoulders she was accidentally (on purpose?) choking me. The second time in an hour my oxygen intake was being cut off. Kinky to you, annoying and a little concerning to me. Luckily it didn’t last long…she moved down my back and right to my butt. She touched the butt. Alot. So much butt touching. I have to assume that if I were a customer looking for some butt touching, this would have been heaven, butt touching heaven. Maybe if I had responded to being molested while face down in a recliner in a positive manor, I would have been allowed to go behind the beaded curtain where the music was slightly different (more bow chicka wow wow, less crickets and water dripping). But instead, I just laid there, face down, making incredulous faces at the floor, holding in my giggles and wondering how I get myself into these situations.

And then, she was done. And gone. And I was left to whale flip my body over and flop out of the recliner. The other two people who were there when I walked in had left with lots of loud talking and compliments and promises to be back the following week. I had to search for my glasses, find my purse and slink out the door. I felt slightly violated, very naughty and like I had a sneak peek at an odd, sub culture of massage palaces…I’ve been around the block a few times in this life, just not the block that had one of these massage palaces. I won’t say my life is now complete, I will say it was possibly the closest to 50 Shades that I will ever be. Just so you know, if you think it’s one of “those places”…it is. Trust yourself and hide your butt.