Monthly Archives: May 2017

Adventures In Exercise


spin classSpin class, anyone? I have discovered your dirty little secret you Spin Class Divas. I fully understand how you suck people into your little cult. I went in to the room a virgin, in more than one way, and came out not needing another cervical exam for at least the next 4 years. I am talking about the seats. The teeny tiny bike seats. How do men take Spin Class???

When I was a little kid, and had to sit on my cousin’s lap in the car because it was the 70’s and it was just what happened in the 70’s, she would always, ALWAYS whine that my boney butt was digging into her thighs. It’s true. I have a boney ass. When I sit on the floor, I can roll on my butt bones, it’s like my only party trick. So, setting my boney ass on a small, hard bike seat was a rude awakening. Andddd…off we go!

First of all, I had no idea that there was a lever that I could adjust to change the speed. I started on 12 and was totally dying 5 minutes in. After about 15 minutes on 12, my daughter showed me the lever that would change the speed. Brilliant!! But trying to get my boney ass comfortable was the real issue.

I could go really fast but my butt!! I could stand up but the seat was angled so that I am pretty sure I won’t need a colorectal screening this year. And then there is the whole foot jail. Your feet go into these foot muzzles and that is a blessing and a curse. Like, if you forget your feet are being held captive and try to step down to rest, you will wind up falling sideways into the wall, which draws the exact amount of attention that no one wants. Especially from the super hot eunuch 3 bikes over…considering the pain I am in, there is no way he can be anatomically correct.

The lights are off, the music is loud, my thighs are on fire, I have NO idea what the numbers on the screen mean and the instructor keeps saying we should shift or stand or sit or that the mountain climb is coming up…I don’t know what all that means so I just keep pedaling thinking that the class is only 45 minutes. By minute 44, I am riding side saddle, dripping sweat into my eyes which makes it look like I am crying and trying so hard to balance in my foot prisons so I can take a sip of water.

I was consoling myself with the fact there would only be 1 more minute of this hell and then I can ask the instructor to get a shoe horn to help me get this bike seat out of my ass. Wrong. We blow by the 45 minute mark and she is saying something about “sprints”. I was so confused I started pedaling backwards…

Overall, it was fun…I rode a whole 15 miles in an hour. I used to ride 30 miles in like 15 minutes when I was a kid. The motivation was different but ya know… I used to ride my bike every single day. And if I had an uncomfortable seat, my Gramp would change it for me…I have a feeling I will be doing a walk of shame everywhere I go tomorrow and I know I am engaged to my bike. Haven’t felt this close to an inanimate object since that massage chair at the mani/pedi place in the mall.

Spin Class = Work Out or Make Out?