Tag Archives: annoyed

Enough With The Toddlerhood Blues

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I can't even.

I can’t even.

I’m super sick of these blogs about how hard it is to be the parent of a toddler. Like sooooo sick of them. Bullet points, numbered lists, grafts, charts…ENOUGH! Yes, having kids is hard. Having babies is oh so difficult and you are really special and relate-able. Babies cry and poop and totally mess up your circadian rhythm and are just like drunk college kids…whatever. I’m going to tell you something that NO ONE tells people who are thinking of becoming parents. Something that no one tells new parents. It. Gets. Worse.

Here’s an inside tip : The baby years (where you go from only caring about yourself to being forced to care for another human being) lead into the toddler years (where you not only have to care for another human being but you have to start teaching that little mess of flesh how to BE a human) which leads into the school age years (where things might be smooth sailing for a bit, if you don’t run into bullying or obesity or strange habits or learning disabilities) which lead into the Teenage Years which will scar you for life.

Having a teenager is exactly like having a toddler except they are bigger, stronger, louder, smarter and have less of a sense of self preservation. They are far more cunning, baffling and powerful than any drug you might have done back in the 60’s. You will be in shock, your jaw will drop daily and you will be absolutely unprepared to deal with the roller coaster of hormones and emotions and the rage oh Lord the rage! At things, at YOU, at school, at curling irons, at jeans that don’t fit, at siblings, pets, homework, cable tv, sneakers, music, God, bacon, yes bacon. Remember when your 2 year old fell down screaming in the middle of the mall because they wanted to take the carousel home? That x1000 = The Teenage Years.

Nothing will prepare you for The Teenage Years. You may think you are well prepared because you remember what you were like as a teen. And you sort of look forward to bonding with your own teen over rebellion issues. You are an idiot. Maybe you feel like you are doing such a fantastic job with your toddler that you will have this open, loving relationship where your teen is your best friend. You are a real big idiot. Maybe you think I am lying or that my kids are just exceptionally awful and you will use all the tools from all the books you have read cover to cover and YOU will do it right. Idiot.

I know, you think me calling you an idiot is rather harsh and uncalled for. Get used to it. Because as soon as you have a teenager, you are an idiot. You just are. No matter how you go about parenting your teen, I mean how you THINK you will parent your teen, you will wind up being an idiot. And the rest of us who have survived The Teenage Years will welcome you to our club with open arms because that’s what idiots do.

It’s not all a hellish nightmare. There will be moments. Like the moment when you can see the floor in their room because they threw all of the clothes in the laundry. The moment when they help the little old lady across the street because she gave them a 20 dollar bill thinking it was a one dollar bill. That moment when they start a conversation with you which ends up with you handing over your car keys despite the fact that they were supposed to be in Time Out, I mean grounded…ahh those moments are fleeting so enjoy them fully. Time really does speed up once you have children.You will blink and they will be gone…with your credit card and your favorite shoes.

So stop whining that you have a baby or three or a toddler who acts ridiculous and cries really loudly in inappropriate places or a pre schooler who can’t keep his hands out of his pants at church. Enjoy it. Because in a few short years you will be a full blown idiot and all of that parenting crap you worked SO HARD on will be right out the window along with the Ipad that wasn’t downloading fast enough. Parenting is hard work. It is NOT fun, it is not about YOU. It is about raising a productive member of society…so good luck with that. And as hard as you think it is wiping a little tushie or having to leave Sesame Street Live because your kid won’t stop kicking everyone in a 6 foot radius, it gets worse. As much as you love your baby, your toddler, your school age child, you will love your teen more fiercely than at any stage prior. That overwhelming love you feel for them will be balanced with fear and anger and hope and expectation. It’s way messier than 2am feedings and stomach bugs and lice.

No one tells you these things because it’s futile. There is nothing you can do. Once you commit to being a parent, you can’t quit…ask me how I know. You cannot tender your resignation, you can’t walk into their room and in dramatic fashion recite a speech telling them you have found new, better teenagers to raise. You cannot force them to stay in the sweet spot between ages 7 and 10, they will not comply. You just have to do it.

When your sweet little one draws you a picture and gives it to you will all the love in the whole wide world beaming out of their eyes because you are their sun and moon, remember that and imprint it on your heart. Because some day, well, you’ll find out. I wish you patience, luck, wisdom and just enough denial to get you through…

Welcome to the club, Idiot. *eyeroll*

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Dear Diary, So, This Is What A Concussion Feels Like

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Yesterday I decided that I could no longer live with the bathroom looking like something that was inside a crackhouse. I had been planning for months, ok, years, to fix it up. It needed a through cleaning, paint, and a good talking to. My head is really starting to hurt so I am going to summarize.

Painted all day yesterday. The walls and the floor. Since I am not a painter by trade, it went like this : Paint the walls, get some on the floor, paint the floor, get some on the wall, paint the wall,  get some on the floor, paint the floor, gets some on the wall….you get the idea. I made the kids use the neighbor’s toilet because I was pretty sure they would somehow track paint onto the carpeting in the hallway…oh, no, that would be MY job…

Today, I finished up the painting. I painted a small chest of drawers that we use as a medicine cabinet. That of course involved repainting the floor, then the wall, then the floor, then the wall, then the floor, then stepped in the wet paint on the floor, laughed at myself and fell forward, grabbed the freshly painted wall to steady myself, repainted the floor, repainted the wall, repainted the floor…

Sat down for a bit to regroup. Decided to shower. Got out of the shower and instead of flipping my hair toward the door (which is now freshly painted) I decided to flip it towards the tub, so the water would fling off of my hair and into the tub thereby not getting water spots on any of the newly painted surfaces. I toss my head back, arch my shoulders (you see where this is headed don’t you?) and with a sudden burst of energy that I didn’t realize I still had in me, I flipped my entire upper body forward as hard as I could and smashed my head right on the edge of the tub. Hard. Real hard.

My first thought was “Oh dear Lord please don’t let me pass out naked” my second thought was “Oh My God I wish I could have watched me do that” and I yelled “HOLY CRAP THAT HURT!” and then I laughed like a lunatic because it was so funny! Then , I stopped and tried to remember what I was thinking when I decided to smash my head as hard as I could on the edge of the tub…was I thinking bad thoughts of someone? Was I thinking bad thoughts of myself? Growing up when I would bite my tongue or stub my toe my great grandma would say “Well, that’s what you get!” I would say “For WHAT? I wasn’t DOING anything wrong!” And she would say ” You might not have been doing anything wrong right this minute but I am sure you have done something wrong and so….THAT’S what you get!” That logic has stayed with me…

I wrap up in a towel, stumble out of the bathroom and ask my youngest to go get me an ice pack out of the freezer. She comes back with a hard frozen brick one that goes in the cooler. I said “How about a soft one?” She goes back down and comes up with a soft ice pack that isn’t cold… I say “Ok, how about ice cubes in a plastic bag?” She comes back with 3 ice cubes, because that is how many were in the ice tray, because no one ever fills up the ice trays, wrapped in some saran wrap because we are out of plastic bags. I say thank you and here I sit, in my towel with three ice cubes melting on my head and dripping down my forehead.  Cause That’s what I get.

Ow.

Ow.

Dear Diary, I Am Mad At Tyler Perry

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This is what i looked like thru the whole damn movie....

This is what I looked like thru the whole damn movie….

Today, a few single mom girlfriends and I went to see Tyler Perry’s Single Moms Club. I was really excited about this movie. I am a single mom. Finally someone was going to tell MY story. And I got to hang out with other single moms! We all brought our kids and they went to see The Muppet Movie while we were in our movie. That worked out well…especially since I was so forward thinking in having my kids at such a young age so that when my friends had kids later in life, I would have the kids who can babysit. Cause that is just the kind of friend I am. Considerate. Or really bad with birth control…either way, it has worked out well for all of us.

I didn’t think this was going to be an award winning movie. But Tyler Perry is very popular and I have liked some of his other things…he generally tells a good story. But he totally dropped the ball on this one. I mean it was insulting and I usually don’t  recognize when I am being insulted. Maybe he was bored, maybe he needs money, maybe someone forced him to write this movie…maybe he just wanted an excuse to kiss Nia Long…not sure but the acting was awful, the directing was worse, the story was shit, the heartwarming scenes were cliché and the humor was non existent. He showcased every stereotype single mother, never developed any real back story and then had them all realize they should be more co-dependent on their kids and if their ex is an asshole they can just take him back to court for more money. And in the end it’s all ok because the ladies all find men. Just snooze. Lacking the romance that would have intrigued us single mothers, lacking the reality of the true struggle of co-parenting, and disrespecting us and the fear and anguish that court brings up for all of us when we are forced to go that route makes me really angry with Tyler Perry.

I guess it’s definitely a life experience that if you haven’t “been there, done that” then you should just keep your mouth shut. No one can tell the story of single motherhood unless they have been a single mother. You can argue with me and say that creative people or emphatic people can absolutely tell a story from the view point of a single mother. And they might be able to describe but they will never be able to convey and relate. And that’s ok. The ways we are the same but different,the real discriminations we face daily. The true grief we struggle with. The secrets we keep so that we don’t hurt the new partners we become involved with. It’s compound and complex and hard as hell. It is also the most rewarding thing we could possible do with our lives. There is no substitute for a two parent home, and we single moms know that and yet, we give our children more than we could have by staying married. We are lucky in that we get to have a very unique and special relationship with our kids. We might not have a partner there to witness them growing up or share the overwhelming love we feel for them, but we get to single handedly receive all the love, all of the pride, all of the closeness and we don’t have to share it with anyone else. It’s not selfish, it is one of the many perks of being a single mom.

Tyler Perry basically called the single mothers in his movie lazy, wealthy, emotionally distressed, non authoritative, with kids who are entitled, in jail and unbalanced. He said with this movie that we are all looking for a man to be the stability in our lives, that we are fundamentally unhappy alone and at the very least we need sex. Now, those things may be true OCCASIONALLY. but it is not the standard or the norm. And all of that bullshit would have been tolerable if he had a story that was worth watching. If the acting was not sub par or if the directing supported the actors. But, basically, it sucked. I am offended and pissed off and unentertained. It’s a damn good thing the popcorn was fresh and I had my girlfriends with me or Tyler Perry would have at least 3 emails from me tonight telling him where he can stick his movie.

But I got to hang out with some phenomenal single moms who are really doing it all, just like I am. We laughed at the stupidity  and marveled at the stilettos all the moms in the movie were wearing…who the hell goes to pick up their kid at school in platform stilettos? The ONLY woman I have ever seen do that is happily married…weird. Thumbs down Tyler Perry Single Moms Club and a giant BOO HISS. Unless you go with your single mom friends and make fun of it, or if you are not a single mom, then there is no reason for anyone to go see this one.

The movie made my face like this...I think it is frozen this way...crap. Now how the hell am I going to find that sexy man and make him save me from my sad pathetic little life. Thanks alot Tyler Perry.

The movie made my face like this…I think it is frozen this way…crap. Now how the hell am I going to find that sexy man and make him save me from my sad pathetic little life. Thanks alot Tyler Perry.

 

Dear Diary, Everyone is an Idiot

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None of the people buried in this cemetery had Obama Care...and now...they're all dead.

None of the people buried in this cemetery had Obama Care…and now…they’re all dead.

So, Happy St. Patrick’s Day . I’m only wearing green because it looks good on me and if anyone pinched me I would drop kick them right in their hoo ha. Not in the mood. Got up, it was -3 degrees. It’s fricking MARCH!! I wish these global warming experts would step up their campaign and make it WARMER NOW. This is bullshit. I have things to do and I have been very patient with this winter crap. I’m done.

Took my 11 year old to the doctor. She has an ear infection. She hasn’t been sick (needing an antibiotic) in almost 2 years. I totally want some sort of Mom Points for that. We sat in the exam room for an hour before we were seen. An HOUR!! Luckily, she just started reading the second book in the Divergent series (against my better judgement…it was a gift from someone so, yeah). I, on the other hand, had an hour to sit there and ruminate on having to sit there while listening to her sniff snot which is the most annoying sound in the whole wide world.

Came home and called my dermatologist. They no longer take my insurance. Ok. No big deal. I guess these things are a BIG DEAL to some people? Not me…losing a Dr is so low on the scale of things I have lost it doesn’t even register. What’s the point of getting pissy? I go onto the website and find a new Dr who takes my insurance. Whoopdee Do. I call the new Dr and get the receptionist who apparently has a bug up her ass. Personally, if I worked for a doctor, I would ask the doctor to get the bug out of my ass before I had to deal with the public. But that’s just me I guess.  I asked if they accepted my insurance. She said, in a very haughty voice, she had never even heard of my insurance. Ever. I said “Wow! Really! So, are you new at this job then?” And she indignantly replied no, she was not. Ok…back to my original question, does the doctor accept my insurance? Her reply? “No. We do NOT accept that insurance. It is from The Exchange, it’s that Obama Care thing which means it is probably medicare and we don’t deal with medicare patients ever. And really, no one is ever going to make us.” Good Morning Vietnam! I said “Just for future reference ma’am, what I am paying for is not medicaid. I am sorry you have issues with being a human being and I hope you are never treated the way you treat others. Thanks for your time” and I hung up.

This is the second time I have been faced with someone who disapproves of my choices based solely on their own experiences and/or what they have been conditioned to believe. And quite frankly it makes me sick. I guess I have been very VERY fortunate in my life to love and be loved, know, work with and BE someone who is very wealthy. At the same time I have loved, been loved, worked with and BEEN someone who is exceptionally poor. I know people across the income spectrum. Money doesn’t matter to me…YOUR money. I wish I had more but whatever. YOUR income and what YOU chose to do with it is none of my beeswax. Your choice in insurance is also none of my beeswax. I do not understand people who are so incredibly ignorant. I just don’t get it. It’s perfectly fine to have an opinion and if a person were curious and asked me about my choices I would fully explain. But to treat me like I am a moron because I pay out of pocket for health insurance is about as unintelligent as it gets. Also, we could compare a doctor’s salary to mine, or to the receptionist for that matter and then talk about how the doctor went to school to be in a profession that is sworn to HELP people, not a profession that is sworn to make the doctor rich.

I moved on down the list and found a doctor who is much closer to my house and accepts my insurance and apparently accepts me as a human being in this world also. How lovely. Now to find a new lady-parts doctor.

*rant* I am really truly sick of these people who think that just because they have a freaking job that they are better than everyone else. It is such a LOW CLASS attitude to take. Seriously. How about judging people on how they treat you? How about being kind and polite to others regardless of what their w-2 says? Or better yet, how about just taking yourself out of functioning society so the rest of us don’t have to deal with your incredible stupidity. I feel sorry for people like the receptionist today. Her parents obviously did a really awful job raising her and instilling decent values. But, luckily her employer doesn’t accept my insurance so I don’t have to deal with her. *end rant*

I’m done being cranky…for the time being. I might be cranky later, I’m not sure. I haven’t decided yet.

This is the face I was making at the receptionist over the phone. Also, I was standing in a cauldron.

This is the face I was making at the receptionist over the phone. 

 

 

Dear Diary, It’s Parade Day

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Me at the antique festival last year. I got hot and had to lay down and take my arms off.

Me at the antique festival last year. I got hot and had to lay down and take my arms off.

I hate the St. Patrick’s Day parade. I didn’t used to. Whoa…what kind of a sentence is that…Anywho, I have been ba humbugging  St. Pat’s for a few years now. Resenting St. Patrick’s day is actually a healthier way of coping with my resentment than the way I was coping so…yea me!! I’m not going to get into it so stop pressuring me…Jeeze you guys.

My youngest daughter is named after the first Queen of Ireland. I have red hair and green eyes. We have nothing to prove around here.  Today, I was like level orange pissy about the damn parade.Our city has a fairly large St. Patrick’s Day parade (just to spite me). I apologized to my 11 year old for missing the parade and she said “Mom, I am named after the first queen of Ireland…I AM the parade” and then she did her own version of an Irish jig out the door. That made me feel better.

Besides that, nothing much else was going on. My microwave died so I have had to heat up my foot bag in the oven. That’s not a good idea. It’s still snowing. Still haven’t heard if anyone has found my birth family…I’m waiting….

Every time Diane Rehm says Pussy Riot I giggle.

I’m starting to feel really finite.

This is my dog asking me to open the window because he just farted. True story.

This is my dog asking me to open the window because he just farted. True story.

Dear Diary, Will It Ever End?

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This was yesterday. it was  50 degrees. Today it is a Snownado named Vulcan. Way to be an asshole March.

This was yesterday. it was 50 degrees. Today it is a  Snownado named Vulcan. Way to be an asshole March.

The weathermen have been hyping a massive winter storm for the past week. Today is the day. It’s here. Massive. Winter. Storm. Or is it? I guess the only difference between the winters of my youth and the winters of my children’s youth is technology. Weathermen in my day had integrity and honesty and no live doppler. Today, these weathermen have degrees in nonsense and information that really turns them on. Then they get on the TV with their weather boners and get us all hot and bothered about impending snow storms that they name. Yeah, you heard right. They have started naming winter storms. This one is Vulcan. Real sexy name. Vulcan.Whatever. It’s snowing. The roads are bad.

So, the kids had school but got out early. That’s cool. Absolutely everything is closed. Including grocery stores, malls, churches gas stations and highways. I want to bitch about the weather but why bother. I want to move to New Orleans. I want my dog to be trained. I also want some dental floss but that’s neither here nor there.

I didn’t have work so I made dinner. I washed the dog. I played some games with the kids. We are out of butter and toilet paper. How this happened I have no idea.

I think I am going to start taking offense at people calling other people crazy.

I wonder when I stopped being afraid of the dark.

Just what the hell kind of pair is that????

Just what the hell kind of pair is that????

Dear Diary, Day of Dumb Boys

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These are my 3x Men's jogging pants that I wear out even tho they have a hole in the butt and they fall down alot. I told you, it's all about living dangerously. You should try it sometime...

These are my 3x Men’s jogging pants that I wear out even tho they have a hole in the butt and they fall down alot. I told you, it’s all about living dangerously. You should try it sometime…

If I gave you my laundry list of man problems you would think I should be a man hater. Or maybe I should be a nun…but I am mad at God right now…we aren’t speaking so, possibly I should be a lesbian. But I’m not a lesbian and I am not sure where to go to sign up so I guess I will just keep trying my luck with the guys.

The kids and I went to see a wicked cheesy movie about LUV. My 11 year old thought it was sad but good and my 15 year old diessected the acting and the directing. Yes, it was that much fun. I actually hate chick flicks and I make fun of my bff who LOOOOVES chick flicks. But this one was actually not too bad. Also, I have pms so you have to factor that in.

Came home and did absolutely nothing. We watched more chick flicks…it’s the last day of vacation. I just couldn’t make myself be mean and do laundry. We can find one more pair of swim suit bottoms for tomorrow. Whatever, we are living on the edge. We are being creative and improvising and rolling with it. It’s life lessons. I should probably start a school or an infomercial or something because I think most of you spend way too much time being all typical. Y’all need to loosen up!!!

The boy I was dating…turns out he has a girlfriend. Oh well that stinks. I can’t date a guy who has a girl at home. That’s just not my thing. I’m not judging if it is your thing, that’s cool…but I am not comfortable with that. So, I had to tell him that tonight after I found out. Awkward…..but not the end of the world…3 dates does not a relationship make.

Watched some more tv. Had the 15 year old figure out how to make a baked potato in the microwave. Snuggled with the dog, got molested by the cat.  And now it is bed time. But not before True Detective and Girls. Back off. If I don’t have a dating life then I am going to go get lost in tv dramadey.

Tomorrow is back to school. I am fully addicted to getting pedicures.

"you know nothing Jon Snow" It's like my fav thing to say...even to guys who aren't named Jon Snow.

“you know nothing Jon Snow” It’s like my fav thing to say…even to guys who aren’t named Jon Snow.