Tag Archives: bathroom

I Wish I Had A Hobby

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Last night I decided that I needed to do something about my bathroom floor. Immediately. Because it’s been 10 months since my bathroom died and left  a giant hole in my bathroom floor. Flash forward to last night : I went to amazon.com and lowes.com and then pintrest. By about 1am I had decided that I would do a faux leather floor using the paper bag technique AND do a penny border…I woke up this morning, rolled out of bed with purpose and drove to Lowes. After spending an hour debating the pros and cons of peel and stick vs. fake wood snap together, outloud, to myself, I went with snap together fake wood. Just one box so I could see what it would look like and if I would like it. I knew I wasn’t going to like it. I wanted tile. But I had talked myself out of tile because I have very low self esteem and exceptionally bad handyman karma.

As I was driving home I had a session with myself about why I felt like I didn’t deserve tile. I can do that because I have a degree in psychology. That’s about all I can do with my degree so I do it often. Makes me feel better about not defaulting on my student loans.Why did I think I wasn’t capable of installing a tile floor? I am 42 years old and I have accomplished more than I ever knew I was capable of. Like cleaning various smelly, runny, moldy and dead things from numerous places in my home and installing a screen door. Granted, the screen door only lasted about a month until it fell off…but what a lovely month it was…I have wanted to tile my bathroom floor since I moved into this house 9 years ago. Ya know what? I deserve tile. Not only that, tile will be much easier to work with. Because I am going to get the small tiles that are held together with webbing which I do not need a tile saw to cut. Decision making skills are sort of my super power.

Since I was half way to the other Lowes, I went there and bought 3 boxes of tile, grout, and mastif (it’s not mastif but that’s the only word I can think of at the moment…) and I drove home. Now, I know that I am supposed to start in the middle of the room and work my way out. But…I’m sort of a rebel. I start where I want to. I know that it is a bad idea to start around the toilet but I do anyway. I lay out all of the tile and step back and look…And from what I can see I am going to need about 7 more boxes of tile. Because measuring is for losers. At this point, I wasn’t fully committed to actually installing the tile. I was on the fence which is why I had only grabbed 3 boxes. So, after seeing the tile laid out I decided that I needed to commit or get off the pot. Back to the first Lowes I go!

I go right to the flooring department and grab 4 more boxes, even though I had guesstimated I needed at least 7 more boxes. Why? Because doing things the hard way is the way I was raised. I never have the proper tools for the job, I never begin or end the easy way. I drive home and lay out the rest of the tile. It seems like it’s all sorts of uneven. I guess that’s what those spacers are for huh? I stand there and have to talk myself into doing this the right way. Spend the extra money and do it right. I will be happier. In my moment of doubt, I call a flooring guy from craigslist. But he didn’t answer so I left a message. Anyway,back to Lowes I go for spacers, a tile cutter, tape for the gaping hole in the floor and a grout smoother thingy.

I got home and cracked open the mastif and started gluing that shit down! And by shit I mean my elbows, my shorts, my hair, some tile, and my pinky toenail. I’m a messy worker. I know this about me so it is not a surprise or anything. I was almost fully covered in tile glue when I stopped and again had a small crisis of faith. Who did I think I was? This is going to look like crap, I am going to hate it and be so disappointed in myself. And just then, the phone rang. It was the craigslist guy. He said he could do it for me…for 300 bucks. Yeah, my faith resolved and I suddenly had a burst of Bob Vilia and I said “Thank you craigslist guy but not today! Today, I tile my own floor!” And I hung up and went to town on that mofo!! I cut a couple of tiles with my hand held tile cutter, I glued down every piece of tile I had, I taped the hole and glued over it. As I worked I remembered that I have a sense of humor, that every house in town is crooked and no one has even floors and that the Native Americans design a mistake into every pattern they make to stay humble. So, my bathroom floor is a tribute to my humble sense of humor. Or maybe it’s a tribute to Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes. I’m not really sure. Those mastif fumes were pretty intense.

This is not the end, my friends. Tomorrow, I grout. Four trips to two different Lowes today and I have to go back one more time. It may not be the easy way but it is my way…it’s Frank Sinatra’s way…Stay tuned for the final reveal.

After the second trip to Lowes...scared to commit.

After the second trip to Lowes…scared to commit.

Some people use gloves and tools and shit...they all fancy...I'm an American. I'm an American with tile glue in my eyebrows.

Some people use gloves and tools and shit…they all fancy…I’m an American. I’m an American with tile glue in my eyebrows.

This is how it looks tonight as I go to bed...tomorrow I will buy one more box and grout the snot out of it and then, THEN I will be happy. I think it was Buddah who said "lay your own tile floor and find the path to happiness" Pretty sure he said that...

This is how it looks tonight as I go to bed…tomorrow I will buy one more box and grout the snot out of it and then, THEN I will be happy. I think it was Buddah who said “lay your own tile floor and find the path to happiness” Pretty sure he said that…

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Dear Diary, It Gets Better…+

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So, I woke up with my bloody finger all bloody and painful and bloody. Making things difficult is something I enjoy, so, I went to my non-functioning bathroom, grabbed a washcloth and went down to the kitchen sink to brush my teeth and wash my face. Something about brushing my teeth at the kitchen sink makes me feel pukey. Anyway, took the kids to school and by the time I got back the plumbers were here. Ripping out my bathroom floor. Yup. The toilet was in the hallway and the vanity was in the middle of the floor, the only part that was left. Yeah….

So, the plumbers said “Well, this floor is tongue and groove and probably about 100 years old… so…” I said “Not a problem! I saw a cool penny floor on Pintrest I have been really wanting to try… so…” And then I accidentally slammed my bloody chunkless finger in the door and screamed SON OF A NUTCRACKER, kicked the toilet and went into my room where the dog promptly peed on the carpet. Good Morning!

I decided that I had to pee too. But, instead of peeing on my carpet, I drove four houses down to my friend’s house and used their john. From there I went to the doctors. As I was describing to the nurse what happened to my finger, she scrunched up her face and said “I’m NOT touching that!” And went to get another nurse who was older and had obviously been through the Mandolin Wars. She pulled off the bloody wrapping. Ow. Then she tried to pick the Styrofoam stuff the other doctor had smushed into the gapping wound. That was NOT at ALL enjoyable. Not even a little bit. It wasn’t coming off so she made me soak it. Then she picked at it some more. I was sweating and swearing. She couldn’t get it so she re-wrapped it and sent me home. To my bathroomless house.

The kids came home and I had to explain to them that we no longer have a bathroom. No tub, no toilet, no sink. Luckily, we DO have awesome neighbors. So, we got to shower at their house. But first, I used up half a roll of Press and Seal wrapping my finger and taping it down with duct tape. I should have thought that out better. The duct tape sort of stuck to my hair as I was shampooing…so, now I have a bald spot. Put that on the list.

Someone asked me if I was cursed. Maybe…I knew an old lady who thought she was a witch…maybe she put a spell on me. Doesn’t matter to me if she did or didn’t. What goes around comes around…so if she turns up bald with a bloody finger and no bathroom or computer and a hijacked checking account we will know it was her and she will be pretty pissed (because no one besides me could handle this level of nonsense) Besides, this is some really outrageously funny crap if you ask me. Every morning I wake up sort of excited to see what is going to happen today. And it all makes me laugh. When you have lived through real tragic shit, these daily petty irritations just seem like small distracting entertainments. Not the end of the world. A little painful, costing me a small fortune but such is life. It’s not over till it’s over.

Things I have learned so far : 1) if you take a shower using only your left hand it feels like someone else is giving you a shower. 2) rocks will break a garbage disposal so never transplant plants in the kitchen sink 3) tupperware can be used for more than just leftovers

this is my Bloody Finger. As you can see he is none to please about being bloody.

this is my Bloody Finger. As you can see he is none to please about being bloody.

Fact: as soon as a toilet is unusable you will have to pee worse than you have ever had to pee before

Fact: as soon as a toilet is unusable you will have to pee worse than you have ever had to pee before

This is my finger all cleaned up and ready for the shower. Press and Seal and some snazzy duct tape...Obamacare at it's finest...

This is my finger all cleaned up and ready for the shower. Press and Seal and some snazzy duct tape…Obamacare at it’s finest…