Tag Archives: boobs

Dear Diary, What A Day

Standard

It was Boob Squish Day. That was all good until they found something and wanted to do the Elevator Door Squish and the Magnified Squish. Holy SMACK that was actually painful! Regular mammogram squish isn’t too bad…the mammo-lady told me a few years ago that I was very lucky to have such thin breasts…Not that I put that on my dating profile or anything but I’m secretly proud of my thin breasts…I nursed 3 babies exclusively for a total of 54 months and The Girls still look good when I fold them up and stuff them in an underwire (only on special occasions). So, yeah, they found something. They tell you that and then send you back out to wait in the waiting room.

I was pretty surprised because I have been having pain in the left one, but they saw something in the right one…I was sort of hoping it was money. Guess not. So they say I have to have a sonogram. They put me in the sono room and the tech and I chat about my finger and how mandolins should be outlawed. Then I said “Is it a boy or girl?” and she sort of looked at me funny. Sonograms are not nearly as fun when there is no baby…

She left to go check with the doctor. She came back and said it’s nothing really. So I hugged her and thanked her and well…that was awkward….Another lady in the waiting room was being all pissy because she had been waiting so long. She was throwing a bit of attitude. So, as I was leaving the mammo-lady made it a point to say “and thank you so much for your patience!!!” *sigh* the pissy lady was probably just scared. Sometimes I cry when I get scared. Sometimes I hug random sono techs. We all deal with fear differently.

From there I went to a whole other county to get my missing chunk finger looked. I can’t look at it so someone else has to look at it. Just to make sure it is still there and all. Yup. Still there! Still hurts!

But the best part of today, besides having my boobs squish session turn out ok and having my missing chunk finger looker atter say that my missing chunk finger is healing nicely, was having my shower finally fixed! Yea!!! We are back to being normal bathroom people! We no longer have to pack up our stuff and walk four houses down to our friend’s house to pee or shower! So, today was a good day. I could get all deep and say really wise and prophetic things about life and death and grief and fear…instead I will show you pictures of my adventures…

Boob Squish Day Selfie! All the kids are doin it!!! Check out my missing chunk finger bandage and my fake Chucks from Hills circa 1994....

Boob Squish Day Selfie! All the kids are doin it!!! Check out my missing chunk finger bandage and my fake Chucks from Hills circa 1994….

That's my boob. No money in there and no babies....not very fun if you ask me...

That’s my boob. No money in there and no babies….not very fun if you ask me…

Um, if they have xray glasses, why do we need to have our boobs squished? Just put on the glasses and check...duh.

Um, if they have xray glasses, why do we need to have our boobs squished? Just put on the glasses and check…duh.

Pretty sure that is an atari...maybe I want to be a sonogram tech when I grow up...they get xray glasses and atari???

Pretty sure that is an atari…maybe I want to be a sonogram tech when I grow up…they get xray glasses and atari???

That is my missing chunk finger without the bandage. Don't tell me what it looks like...I don't want to know. Just the thought of it grosses me out. But I thought YOU guys might like to see...

That is my missing chunk finger without the bandage. Don’t tell me what it looks like…I don’t want to know. Just the thought of it grosses me out. But I thought YOU guys might like to see…

Advertisements

Dear Diary, Day of Maniac Mass Murderer

Standard
Edward Fork Fingers might protect me from maniac mass murderers. Of he might just hold my cell phone while I sleep, which is also helpful...

Edward Fork Fingers might protect me from maniac mass murderers. Of he might just hold my cell phone while I sleep, which is also helpful…

Ya know how you run down the stairs, holding your boobs so they don’t hit you in the eye (or in my case get stepped on) and then you skate through the livingroom into the kitchen to check to see if your footbag is done heating up? And while you are skating, you are still holding your boobs because you’re a girl and that is what you do. But then, you feel eyes on you and you slowly turn towards the back door, still holding your boobs because you can and there stands some man looking at you through the door? Ya know how that happens????? So, you back up into the stove, still holding your boobs and trying to think of what to do…what to do…

When I was a little kid I always had a plan on what to do if a maniac mass murderer broke in and tried to kill me. What I would do would be to grab as many of my cats as I could and just throw them at the maniac mass murderer. I had already explained and apologized to the cats. They were ok with it. After all, he wasn’t after them, he was after me…except my stalker…he wanted my cats in the worst way.

Anyway, there were no cats in the vicinity. I figured I was just going to die. And you know what flashed through my mind? That I wasted all that time and money on junk food and cheese which I thought was going to kill me slowly. Damn it all if I had known I was going to go at the hands of some maniac mass murderer I would have eaten healthier.

And then, he knocked. The maniac mass murderer knocked!!!! So civilized. So, I let go of my boobs and slowly went to the door…to find a guy who I had dated a while ago, standing there, sort of swaying. Still, with the caliber of men I date, he could most definitely be here to kill me. I asked him what he wanted, he said he wanted his shoes back. I explained I had given them away 6 months ago. He seemed very sad about that. He asked to come in. I said no. And he shrugged and left.

I watched him get in his car and drive out of the driveway from my kitchen window. Then I skated into the livingroom, holding my boobs again, to watch him drive down the road. THAT was a close call!!!!!!!

I skating everywhere because I have hardwoods and I have my jogging pants pulled down over my feet like Gumby…so, I can skate. I’ve been doing it all my life. I am ready for the 2015 In House Winter Olympics.

So, after all that excitement, I got my footbag and came upstairs and told my cat that she is safe… for now…

Heartburn is keeping me warm tonight.

I despise hanging up my clothes in my closet.

Don't let her snuggly little face fool you. If I launched her AT you, she would kill you before you could say meow mix.

Don’t let her snuggly little face fool you. If I launched her AT you, she would kill you before you could say meow mix.