Tag Archives: cars

You Should Be Bisexual…


wonder how much that dog costume cost...anything for a laugh.

it would increase your chances. There you are, walking down the street, minding your own business  when all of the sudden a car full of teens round the corner and screams this at you? What if you heard “Jesus Loves You….ALL of you….except you in the blue…you’re going to Hell!!!”  What if you happened to be the one in blue? I can only imagine the esteems we crushed as we drove around the local college campus screaming these meaningless, silly things at random people walking. Yup, this is how we entertained ourselves before drugs ever entered the picture.

Really, for us who were IN the car, it was all harmless fun. In the spring, we would bring along water guns and balloons and soak unsuspecting victims. All fun and games until you launch a water balloon and it bursts INSIDE an Iroc Z and the driver was all hyped up on Roids and booze. He looked liked a jerky guy from a John Hughes film. He was NOT amused. At all. Many wet people were not amused. Many wet, unamused people believed they could outrun our car. I only remember one who actually did catch us and it was because of a stop sign. We were goofballs, but we always obeyed the rules of the road. Lucky for us, the car had manual roll up windows. If we had to wait for an electric roll up window we might have died that night. All for a little squirt of water, can you imagine?

Every so often, one of us would bring along the video camera so as to capture the hilarious-ness. Around and around the 4 blocks we would go, singing along to the radio at the top of our lungs while hanging out the windows. Squirting people….with water. IT’S ONLY WATER!!! We were bound to get busted sooner or later. Because really, the general public has no sense of humor. Or maybe because we were kind of annoying….no….cause society needs to lighten up!!

 We pulled up to a stop light on a  beautiful summer evening, windows down, radio crankin the oldies station and a cop pulled up next to us. Ofcourse we turned to look at him, with our video camera in hand, and our award-winning smiles. To our surprise, he smiles back and says “Hello girls, we JUST got a call in to the station about a car full of kids, driving around campus, squirting people and filming it….you wouldn’t know anything about that would you?”  Seriously? Some one called the cops on us? We slowly lowered the camera and looked the cop right in the eye and said “No sir.” He said ” That’s funny, they described the car you are in right now, and it seems you have a video camera, and are those water guns on the dashboard?” My friend, being the most clever one, said ” Obviously this is a set up, officer. We’ve been framed.” My other friend said “What a co-inky dink!!” The officer replied with “I see. Well, then you girls be very careful out there tonight. You would not want to get wet, or filmed by a bunch of renegade water squirting video taping crazies. Or be mistaken for them and get a ticket for disorderly conduct!” And with those words of warning, he drove away. And we breathed a sigh of relief and squirted the guy in the car next to us.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all those who we harmed with our obnoxious behavior and our water balloon shenanigans. I would also like to acknowledge all those who laughed along with us. I would like to present the Funniest Group Of People Waiting For A Bus Award to the people waiting for a bus who lowered their heads and simultaneously flipped us off on our 4th drive by…because that was hysterical.

There were many who did engage with our silliness, more who did than didn’t. This was a “pre 9/11” world and people were far more tolerant of idiocy back then. Today, no doubt, that cop would have us arrested and thrown away the key just for being obnoxious kids. When was the last time you saw ANYONE doing a chinese fire drill at a stoplight? And if you did, you know it scared you. You know you  at least contemplated calling the police. I don’t believe we will ever get back the innocence lost. And that is ok, that is the way it is. But whether I am IN the car or ON the street, I will remember to laugh at the stupidity and randomness of the other people in this world. Feel free to do the same. When a car full drives by me and yells “Hello fans!!! Hello!!! I LUV you!!! Each and every one of you….YOU MADE ME WHAT I AM TODAY!!!!” I will blow them a kiss and wave. If I get mooned by a bunch of guys while driving down the highway, I will laugh and beep.

Make the arm motion at the Big Rig Guy so he blows his horn. Press your face up against the window with a sign that says “The Farts Are Killing Me”. Pull up to that red light with your finger half way up your nose,then slowly turn and look at the guy next to you. Spread the love, share the laugh, enjoy the moment. If we can’t talk or text, then engage with all the other people on the road…BE a random act. Lubes, Lugs and Sparkplugs!!!

Your Chariot Awaits, M’lady


my first car

I have been driving since before I was allowed to be driving. I have fond memories of sitting on my dad’s lap and steering the Lincoln up Hazel St, turning into our driveway. There is a picture somewhere around here of me at 2 years old with my legs stuck through the steering wheel of my grandpa’s Impala. And my mom was letting me back in and out of our driveway(which was the size of a small parking lot) by the age of 10. I couldn’t wait to drive because driving meant freedom. Biking everywhere was fine, except when it rained or in the winter. And alot of the places I liked to go were too far to bike. I have an independent spirit.  Having a car is the ultimate in independence in my opinion.

My independent spirit does get me into trouble. Please don’t confuse my independent spirit with a “can-do” spirit. I don’t have a “can-do” spirit. I have a “if I have to I will” spirit but I would rather not.

 My first car was a Chevy Citation. It was my mom’s. She got a talking town car, something she had wanted for years and gave me the Citation. As soon as I got the Citation, my friends and I were taking road trips. We went to NYC to see the closing night of A Chorus Line. We went to Rhode Island to bet on Jai-Alai and the Greyhounds, although, not one of us was old enough to be gambling…I moved to Texas.

That citation died and my boyfriend at the time bought me a new Citation. Ofcourse, it was a falling apart Citation, but luckily he was a wanna be mechanic. The floor was rusted out completely. I could Flintstone if I wanted to and everyone in the back seat got wet every time it rained. So, my boyfriend got steel bed rails and welded them to the bottom of the car to hold the frame together and told me to drive carefully cause if I got into an accident the rails would impale the other car. Oh and we never did get the dead body smell out of the car.

I went to university in Philadelphia and I didn’t take my car. I was irritated every day that I had to walk the 8 blocks to the grocery or had to wait for the subway. When I came home, I got yet another Citation. This one didn’t have heat. So, I had to hang my head out of the window in the winter to see where I was going. That was really cold. It also didn’t have 3rd or 4th gear and it was an automatic. So, I was stylin with my windshield frozen on the inside doing top speeds of 30 mph. Look out world, here I come!!!! Again, this is my “if I have to I will” spirit.

I don’t remember all the other crap cars I had…there was the car that my drunk uncle sold me and my friends (we all chipped in on the 75 dollars). It was some huge boat like car from the 1970’s and we didn’t know it didn’t have brakes until we were up on S.U. campus and headed down hill…lucky for us that beautiful stone building was in the right spot!! Then, there was the Subaru with a backdoor that didn’t close and a rear tire that was falling off. That just meant that we all had to sit on one side of the car and hold the rope that was tied to the door to keep it shut. We got mugged while IN that car….pathetic. I had a car that didn’t have reverse, that took alot of “think ahead” when parking. I had a car that the two front tires were held together with chain. Driving that car was alot like yachting, there were no sharp turns happening in that car, more like drifting from one direction to another. I had a car that didn’t have power steering or brakes. That took two of us to drive.  I could go straight, but if I had to turn, I had to stop and ask someone off the street to help me with the steering wheel. I met alot of nice people when I drove that car.

I had cars that had gas leaks, oil leaks and transmission leaks. I had tires fall off (as I was doing 50 mph on 690), I had windows that never closed and doors that never opened. I had a cars that the speedometer didn’t work (FYI: if you sing NIN “Head Like A Hole” on the highway to the speed that the yellow dashes are going by that is about 55 mph…) and I had one car that the gas gauge didn’t work. I was always running out of gas at the most inopportune moments. My first “real” car, a car I bought from a dealer and had a car payment for, was an adorable Subaru 5 speed stick. Now I was really hot stuff!! Until it accelerated unexpectedly as I was driving up James St during rush hour. That was scary!! Then it came down with a mice infestation….that stunk…literally. Everytime I turned the heat on I was cooking mice. Sad and smelly.

Then I had a beautiful Chrysler Town and Country mini van. It had all the bells and whistles. Seat warmers, 6 disc CD, climate control, leather interior, remote control doors, all sorts of holders for all sorts of things. It was beautiful. The transmission fell out 3 times and then the radio died. Just because something is pretty doesn’t mean it is nice.

I am now driving a Honda CRV. I love it. But when I got it, it only seated 5. I have 3 kids who generally always have a friend along. So, I went on the net and bought a thrid row seat. Brilliant!!! Now I could seat 8!!! With seatbelts and all!! And Honda’s last forever, right?! Right?! Apparently I have the only Honda that has an internal engine issue. I’m at 147,000 miles on a 2005, bought new, off the lot and its eating oil like an American made….

I love my cars. I’ve cried every time I have ever had to have one towed. I love to drive, although I am looking forward to my oldest driving next year so I can be the passenger. I love to take road trips (as long as they don’t involve bridges over water). We used to just take a drive on a Sunday afternoon and wind up in the most beautiful places Upstate has to offer. I have never been too concerned about getting lost, every road leads somewhere and somewhere there is a person who can point me in the right direction. And it is true that where ever I go, there I am!!!

It’s All Trash


Ok, that is just nasty...

I am what you would call a grown up, educated slob. I have a hard time keeping things clean and orderly on a daily basis. I am not as bad as some. Not like I have a mental disorder or anything (when it comes to cleaning anyway). I just have a hard time with tossing garbage. I feel like I shouldn’t. Like putting my garbage in someone else’s garbage can is an imposition. Like I am totally taking advantage of them. Ok, maybe it is a metal disorder….

When I was a kid I was supposed to keep my room clean, just like every other kid in the world. So, I learned to toss everything either in my closet or in the dirty laundry. Great solution, right? Except then, eventually, all of my clothes would either be in the dirty laundry or piled high in my closet and I had “nothing to wear”.Slob-ola. It carried over into my car. When I lived in Texas, I would get Arby’s everyday for lunch. They had the French Dip with the container of au jus….ok, that sounds really gross now….anyway, I would wrap the au jus container up in the tin foil from the sandwich and toss it in the back seat. My friends who road in the back seat LOVED it. Especially as my car had no AC and it was Texas in the middle of the summer. At one point  it was filled with miscellaneous garbage from the floor up to the seat.

I am not proud of this fact. I work hard on changing it. Today, I spend at least 3 hours a day in my car, generally with 3 or more kids and mostly around dinner time. So, food happens. And it is a process to actually collect it all up and toss it. Maybe more in my head than in reality, but still. Not too long ago my best friend got in the car and almost threw up because there was half a pizza on the floor. She cleaned out my car and tossed all of my garbage. Yes, I felt slight shame in the nastiness of my car. When I get in other people’s cars and they are clean and don’t smell, I marvel. I actually stare at the floor mats and wonder how, how can this be? And I resolve to not be a slob anymore. But I have far too many excuses…

I travel, I have kids, it’s cold, I don’t have time, I am sore, there is no trash can close by,it’s only Tuesday,I have to sort it, it is just such a hassle….I think using public garbage cans may actually be illegal. Really. When at a gas station and I am emptying my garbage in the can, I seriously believe the lady behind the counter is going to come out and yell at me or call the police because I am dumping my garbage in their can. I have no idea where this garbage phobia came from. I don’t recall ever being yelled at by anyone, ever for using their garbage can.

Although, at the car wash I used to go to a sign did go up that said I couldn’t dump my garbage unless I was getting a car wash. Maybe they put the sign there for someone else, cause I always felt so guilty that I did get a car wash every single time I went there, before I dumped my garbage.

So, I am not a slob by choice, you see. I am simply SAVING you from having more than your anticipated garbage in your can. I am actually being thoughtful. What a shame that my thoughtfulness leads to my slobiness…I wonder if I will ever grow to a point where I am unafraid of the car wash authority, or the gas station lady and just dump my trash with no remorse. Maybe. I have no issue with other people dumping their garbage in my can….that statement is true on many levels…

Ok, I’m working on it. Unless TLC comes out with a show on people with car garbage phobias and then I can be on it and make a million dollars and get a whole car make over!! Like new floor mats and some filtration system that gets rid of the sour milk smell….and a Super Car Maid who will live in my car and tell me what I am doing wrong and how to correct myself…Come on, who doesn’t want to see another reality show? And I didn’t even tell you about the car I had with the mice that lived in the heating vents…..