Tag Archives: Christian Bale

Dear Diary, I Saw The Moses Movie

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I wrote this as an extra long status update on my Facebook page but I figured y’all would want to be informed also so here ya go :¬†Allow me to break down the Moses movie for you : Starts out with the guy from that really good movie where he has a comb over (which is NOT Dallas Buyers Club…I spent THAT whole movie waiting for the chick from the Hunger Games to make an appearance….didn’t happen) as a really HAWT Moses and his pretend brother who seems rather bored being the Prince of Egypt. Then, Gandhi appears and tells Moses that he is actually Jewish and that the servant girl is actually his sister. He knows this because Jessie from Breaking Bad is actually his cousin…Jessie is still all tweeked out getting whipped and smiling….THEN, the bored Prince dude threatens to cut off the sister/servant girl’s arm. Mo says “NO WAY!” Signorine Weaver walks in and says “OFF WITH HER ARM AND KILL MOSES TOO!” Just like that. No British accent like everyone else in the movie (except for Jessie who had a strong Irish accent because Meth). Very disappointed in Sigorney. Very disappointed. So, they banish Moses where he starts wandering in the desert and then his horse dies and then he gets mugged and has to kill the 2 mugger dudes. But he is drawing a map as he goes because obvi he doesn’t have any bread crumbs to leave as a trail. Duh. Read the Bible. He comes to a little village and asserts his male presence by telling the bully sheep herders to back away from the well and let the pretty girls go back to getting water. The main pretty girl falls in love with him for this. Then she has to tell him that just because she isn’t from Tennessee that she still has class. They get married in this really equal rights ceremony and have a kid. But THEN…Mo accidentally goes up God Mountain while chasing goats and there is the creepy little dude from Children of the Corn as God. So creepy little God dude tells Mo that he has to fight. Mo is all “Oh sure…after 400 years of slavery? Great timing creepy little God dude…I have a family. I can’t.” Creepy little God dude is like “Well….you WILL…otherwise you will slowly go insane. You’re choice. Free will and all that” Mo goes home, tells his wife who says he’s an idiot. He leaves to go back to Memphis. He passes the cross roads where he does NOT sell his soul to the devil for a big music career (bad choice in retrospect). He arrives just in time to rally the troupes, including Jessie and Gandhi, Creepy Little God dude makes all this really horrible stuff happen….like REALLY horrible…really makes you HATE creepy little God dude. Alot. Finally, the board Prince says “Your God is a freak and you all need to get the hell out of MY city” They all leave and get to the sea…Moses has a crisis of faith and Creepy Little God dude won’t even speak to him. But he does part the sea, everyone crosses and the board Prince shows up to take out the 400,000 that he let go but the sea closes and he doesn’t have a boat. I guess he goes home after that. Meanwhile, Mo and the rest just keep swimming….just kidding. They walk and walk and then Moses stops home to get his wife and kid… has a nice chat with the Creepy Little God Dude. CLGD says that Mo is sufficiently humbled and he can write the 10 commandments which should keep all these losers in line after Mo kicks the bucket. The End. Over all it was a good movie and very Charlton Heston-esque but with more gruesome bloody animal killings. It was pretty bland considering. There were some funny parts…the dummy from Pithom was Harod-like. Anyway, I think this will appeal more to older people. I can see my mom really liking it. It isn’t a strict interpretation of the story from the Bible. It seems they made it less spicy. I hope they do a part two where Jessie finds the millions that Walt buried in the desert and buys everyone their own country.

The End.