Tag Archives: crazy

Dear Diary, In Conclusion….

That's alotta people just standing under that No Standing sign. NYC Broadway types are the epitome of anarchy.

That’s alotta people just standing under that No Standing sign. NYC Broadway types are the epitome of anarchy.

So, we didn’t get back to the hotel until well after 2:30am and that is past my bedtime, by like, alot. I did shower before I got into bed though and here is why : NYC is grosser than gross. Or maybe I am grosser than gross when I am in NYC…that is a possibility. I walk fast and sweat. I do not understand these people who are wearing scarves and long sleeves in the summer, in the city, in the summer, in the city (It’s a song ya know?). Plus, I had three pairs of shoes in my purse, all had been worn at some point during the day. Add to that a bra wet with sweat and smelly socks. It’s a long story, but trust me when I say that there was no avoiding touching the bottom of shoes that had been worn all over Manhattan.

Here is how our day went : We got up, found a bagel shop and a Starbucks and the train station. Now, we parked in this very, very , very old parking lot that happened to be about 5 blocks from the actual station. To park in this lot you had to fold up 15 dollars very small and shove them through a slot on a board. Yes you did! We stood there for a bit with another couple debating the pros and cons of how we thought the contraption worked. Finally, a criminal came over and informed us that yes indeed the situation was what it looked to be. So, the other couple stuffed their money in, we stuffed ours in and then we walked. I have no idea why the hell we had to park 5 blocks away from the station. Down a long, dark alley, under an overpass with broken glass scattered all over the sidewalk and then along a fence with razor wire at the top…it’s VACATION!!!!!!!!!

Got to the station and hopped right on the train! Sat down and immediately realized I was having a gallbladder attack! So, that was 2 hours of making a plan on what to do if I needed help and googling gallbladder attack remedies. Got off the train, went to a couple of flea markets, then to the movies. The kids were dying to see some cheezebag movie that had just come out and I knew the bathrooms at the movie place would be nice enough to change into our evening clothes. Met a lovely older lady and had a great discussion about the movie. Charged my phone, changed our clothes, took my 15 year old to the Broadway show she had tickets for. Her friend met her there. My 11 year old and I hopped back on the subway, and went to Ninja Restaurant. That was SO. MUCH. FUN!!!! Jumped on the subway, met my 15 year old and her friend at the stage door and got autographs and pics with the stars of the show!

Parted ways with her friend, jumped on S to get to Grand Central to catch the train back to New Haven. That sounds like an easy thing but if you read this you will understand that nothing is easy. We were exhausted.  And I had to pee. So, the train leaves the platform and I head to the bathroom. I check before I squat that there is tp. There is NO tp. I pull myself together and go back to our seat. I rummage through my purse (touching dirty shoes and sweaty bras) looking for a tissue or napkin. Nada. How is it possible that I have been a mom for 20 years and I don’t have a crumpled up tissue in the bottom of my purse? Oh that’s right…I skipped my Mommy Club dues to be able to afford this frickin trip. My only option? A smelly sock. I decided to check the bathroom two cars down. Same sitch. But, I noticed this pull down table thingy next to the toilet and just in case it was a secret tp stash, I pulled it down…It wasn’t. It was a place to put potato chip bags filled with vomit. And as I closed it back up, I got a strong whiff of someone’s vomit along with a splash that landed on my thumb. Now, I have to pee, no toilet paper, stranger puke on my thumb and all I have is a sock. That about sums up my life. Listen, I did what I had to do. You have no idea what it’s like living on the edge…Let’s all just be impressed with my resourcefulness and leave it at that, OK?

We hopped off the train, hopped in a cab (because there is NO WAY I was going to spend money on a better motel in a better area and then get killed on the way to my car. THAT would be such a  waste!!!!) jumped in our car, locked the doors and drove back to the motel. Stumbled into our room, the kids fell on the bed and were out before I could say goodnight. I immediately showered HOT to rid myself of the memory of chip bag vomit and socks…

Crawled into bed and was out.

It was a wonderful day. We met alot of people. Most of them were asking me for directions. Which I gave out like I knew what I was talking about. Because people are just looking to have an adventure, they don’t really want to know how to get there! Today we got up, found our bagel and Starbucks and hit the road for home. But on the way home is the Basketball Hall Of Fame. So, we had to stop…took the tour, played the games, had a blast! They have a Cold Stone Creamery and so, we had a treat. THEN we were on our way home. Over all it was an epic vacation, but every vacation we take is epic in some way.

And now I know what happens to the “missing” sock….

That's my FAV guy right there!!!! So close I could throw a sock at him!!! Good thing I didn't as it came in real handy a little bit later!

That’s my FAV guy right there!!!! So close I could throw a sock at him!!! Good thing I didn’t as it came in real handy a little bit later!

Dear Diary, Day of Well, You Decide

I can take all the pictures I want but if my car wants to hide, I'm not going to be able to find it.

I can take all the pictures I want but if my car wants to hide, I’m not going to be able to find it.

Yesterday I had a date. We decided to meet on The Hill. Our local University area. I haven’t been on The Hill in many, many years. I did my teenage angst on The Hill. So many friends from back then are just gone to the abyss that is my memory. A few died and quite a few are still here, like in this world, not here at my house.

I decided to park in the parking garage rather than drive around opening up myself to the flood of memories that were sure to come. Now, among my many other quirks, is my recent habit of losing my car. I’ve tried all the tricks to remember where I park (I don’t remember what tricks I have tried so don’t quiz me). So, yesterday, being nervous about my date and nervous about being on The Hill I thought I should be really smart and take a picture of the sign just above where I parked. Took a deep breath and walked out into my youth. Everything looks very different but extremely the same.

There’s The Beach but no one is sitting there, smoking, waiting, fucking off. There’s the mexican restaurant but it’s bigger and no one is throwing up out front. There’s where the record store used to be…no music. There’s Chucks. No one is playing hackey sack outside waiting to go inside and play pool. No one was here except college students…and my date!!

So, we went to the old pizza shop where everyone wanted to work when we were kids. The pizza is all fancy now…and really very good. The date went swimmingly. A bit like being on a date with an old friend who was all grown up now. Very nice. We left and walked by the shoe store and where the Baskin and Robbins used to be. Although it was a beautiful day there were no skaters, no smokers, no one seemed drunk or loud. And no one was yelling about doing a back flip for a quarter.  The bittersweetness was overwhelming. I don’t do well with nostalgia.

So, here we are, I have to go to get the kids and stuff. He walks me to my car, which should not be a complicated thing. But this is me, Queen of Bad Decisions and Lost Cars. I remembered I parked in the garage, I was pretty proud of myself for that one. I remembered I was on the purple level 5. Up 6 flights because I am bad at math, down one flight and there begins The Great car Search 2014. I was using my car honking button and we would think we knew where it was and off we would go in that direction. Nope. Not there. Try again, back the other way. Nope. Do it again, off this way. Um, no. Again, follow me! Aaaaa no. 10 minutes jumping between levels and searching between cars. Listening, walking, nothing. Personally, I thought this was hysterical. I mean come on. Who does this? Well, yeah, I do and we know that but this is the first date with this guy. I can only imagine what was going on in his mind. Had I known him better I would have had a total break down and just tried to get in a car that looked like mine. But I was trying to hold it together.

He was a very good sport. We finally found the car. Really, I thought the lost car part was really really funny. Not because I lost my car, that happens all the time. But because I lost my car on a first date with this guy who doesn’t really know me and my bff’s words of “just don’t be crazy” were ringing in my ears. I try, but I am who I am even though I don’t eat spinach. But he hung tough. I give him props for not just ditching me and running away down the exit ramp.

There’s more to the story but I’m not going to tell you. Bunch of perverts you are. Came home, dog, kid, sleep. I had to email by bestie because I needed to share the experience of going home, but not really ever being able to go home. Oh and how I’m probably going to die alone, feet from my lost car someday…

I have issues with going thru doors

I’m so glad I’m not in Guatemala right now.

It's like....the same...but different...but kinda the same....

It’s like….the same…but different…but kinda the same….


Don’t Believe Everything You Hear


Glowing, wasn't I?

I was about 7 months pregnant with my second child. And I wasn’t one of those cute pregnant ladies. I was swollen and fat and miserable and I threw up from conception. I was sweaty and mean and I probably smelled bad but I didn’t care much for the comfort of others at that point. I heard on TV that Sears was the owner of the new store Home Goods that had opened at the mall. I was very excited because that meant that I could use my Sears card at Home Goods!!! So, I went shopping!!

Cause shopping made me feel better. I pulled on my elastic waist pants with my potato sack shirt and slipped on my loafers, cause I could no longer reach my feet to put on regular shoes. I stuffed myself behind the wheel of my Subaru 5 speed and drove myself to the mall. I shopped at Home Goods until my kankles were about to explode and then I pushed my cart up to the front to check out.

The nice, young girl rung me up to the tune of 175 dollars. But what did I care? Cause it was going on the Sears credit card which was like free, magic money. And I handed her my Sears credit card. She looked at me kind of funny and said “Um, this is a Sears card” I said “Yes, it is.” and she said “This is Home Goods.” I said “Yes, it is” Jeeze, this chick was really new….didn’t she know that Home Goods accepted Sears cards? She said “This is the Home Goods store, not Sears.” the whole time trying to give me back my card, which I would not take back. You see where this is going don’t you?

So, there I am, pregnant, sweating, sick, swollen and bitchy as all get out, and this little wisp of a thing is trying to tell ME that they don’t accept the Sears card because they are not Sears. HA! Now, a normal person would have probably just accepted that they were not IN Sears and therefore the Sears card would not be accepted. Not me, I was not normal on a good day, and on a pregnant day… I accept nothing!!! I told her that they accepted the Sears card. She told me that they didn’t. I told her that she was mistaken, they did. She replied that they didn’t. She asked the cashier next to her. That cashier said “This isn’t Sears, why would we accept the Sears card as payment?” To which I smugly replied that Sears owned Home Goods and therefore, the Sears card was obviously accepted. The two cashiers exchanged looks.

My cashier then ran the card through the machine and it came up card unverified. Again, a normal person might then admit defeat and pay with another card….like a J.C.Penny or a Chappel’s card….Not me!! I say “I would like to speak to your manager please.” The poor girl was dumbfounded and didn’t know what to say to me. So, she called her manager. The manager came over and I calmly explained that my Sears card should work because Sears actually owns the place. The manager knew she was dealing with a pregnant woman about to pop so she very slowly, explained to me that they do not accept credit cards from other stores as payment. Only universal credit cards or checks or cash. I stared at her as if she had lost her mind and she stared back with the exact same look on her face.

I finally said “Fine. Then I will take my business elsewhere.” and I made my dramatic exit, which immediately  became less dramatic as I walked to the front of the store. It was past closing time and I had to wait at the front for the girl to come and raise the gate as I could not bend over enough to get underneath it. I got home and told my family about my horrible treatment at Home Goods and made them all promise to boycott the store (and possibly even picket in front of it).

It was probably six months later when I realized what a nut job I was. I don’t know if I truly heard that Sears owned Home Goods or if I dreamt it in my pregnant brain. Either way, I was so sure of myself and so very, very wrong. I can still see the look on the manager’s face. How many times have I decided to get behind a really bad idea? Countless. I pick the wrong lines at the grocery store consistently, I hear something (or overhear something) and take it in as fact and spit it out as fact and I pay the consequences when I am proven wrong. Good thing I am used to being wrong.

Whatever, looking back, it was funny. And eventually the Home Good store closed at the mall. Karma? Maybe. Or if they had accepted my Sears card they just may have survived on my  200 dollar limit alone….but now they will never know….(insert google eyed crazy face here).