Tag Archives: driving

Welcome to Winter Mr. Georgia

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First we had to find the car... What YOU got Mr. Georgia? Riiiiight. Nuthin. Now shut up. slow down and don't be a dink. Happy Winter!!

First we had to find the car… What YOU got Mr. Georgia? Riiiiight. Nuthin. Now shut up. slow down and don’t be a dink. Happy Winter!!

This morning we had to go get guinea pig supplies. Why? Because sometimes I do things that my own mother wouldn’t let me do when I was a kid just because…and my kid asked for a guinea pig for her birthday. I don’t particularly care for rodents, even chipmunks in the wild sort of creep me out all looking like they are tweaked out on meth…spazzy freaks. So, we went through a small blizzard to pick up these cracked out guinea pigs last night. Brothers. Swell. They came with a bowl of food, their cage, water bottle, igloo and bedding. Awesome. To make the trip even funner, the two 12 year olds decided that the No Singing In The Car Rule was no longer in effect and sang the same song over and over and over and over and over and over, loudly. Every once in a while they would scream/giggle as only 12 year old girls in a small car during a snow storm can do. Good times.

Did I mention it was a two hour drive round trip? And my tires are bald. And it was a blizzard. With two girls singing We Are Young like it was the anthem to their whole life. My eye is still twitching.

We got home, got in the house, where I promptly dropped the cage. Which means it was an instant guinea pig party. Bedding went everywhere and the pigs ran for cover under the table where the cats usually sit. Lucky for them the cats were busy harassing the dog. We corral the pigs, fix the cage, the twitching in my eye worsens and I call it a night.

But today is a new day. We hop in the car right after our snow plow guy comes and plows us out. We head to the animal store. I drive slow in the winter. I just do. Sometimes I put on my hazards and flip off anyone who dares to pass me. I have a fair amount of road rage on a good day. On a day when it is still snowing, the roads are shitastic and my tires are bald. I have no control over what comes out of my mouth. I took a turn and went sliding and swearing towards the curb. I manged to pull out of it and continue on down the small hill. Now listen, I know y’all are going to think I get what I deserve for driving around on bald tires. Well, I’ll give you that. In my defense, I have always had crappy cars with way worse issues than bald tires and I haven’t gotten my tax return yet so I can’t afford new tires. And what am I supposed to do? Let the guinea pigs starve? I know I know…I see the flawed logic. Suspend your judgments and just let me finish the story ok? Geeze.

I notice this douchebag behind me who is on my ass. Now, that makes me nervous because what if I slip again? What if the guy ahead of me starts to spin out? Doesn’t the douchebag know how to drive in the snow? Increase your distance, slow down, stay in control of your vehicle at all times. I was going slow, just under the speed limit but not outrageously slow. Just being safe really. It was in the village so I was doing maybe 30 in a 35 zone. Douchebag is so close I can see his douchy expression. Anyway, the road splits and I move into the left lane to take a turn at the light. He comes up next to me and looks at me with hate in his eyes. I guess he didn’t expect to see me there with bigger hate and bigger eyes. I gave him a look that said “You are giant moron douchebag and I have no doubt that your wife got the friends in the divorce and your kids hate you and your dog ran away because you are such a turd”. He slowly turned his big fat douchbag head back to the road ahead of him and I laughed to myself. Because I knew he wanted to give me some sort of feeling of shame by looking at me like I was doing something wrong. Instead, he got shamed. I mean really. It’s a freaking blizzard. Where you gotta be bro? Target?

As happens in this world of engineered roads and stoplights, we got to the red at the same time. Now, I am enjoying this because he is so obviously annoyed which makes me feel sort of giddy. I know that feeling of sheer aggravation towards another driver who is just not doing it MY way when clearly MY way is the RIGHT way. I know how he feels towards me and I am loving it!!! Because I also know that he is a ridiculous idiot just like I am when I pretend I am directing other drivers with my curse words and finger pointing. It is senseless and silly. And oh so satisfying when someone else is experiencing their moment of total impotence. I slowly turn my head and give him a look of absolute innocence and complete dipshityness. This ticks him off so badly he starts having a conversation with himself about my car, pointing and trying to convince himself that somehow my driving reasonably in seasonable weather is somehow making his life unbearable. I blink twice and smile like I am missing a few key synapses connections and the light turns green. He floors it and fishtails and almost 360’s but manages to hold it together to be the first to the next red light…As I calmly pull up next to him again, I see steam coming out of his ears and his lips have disappeared and his eyebrows have become one. Apparently, he REALLY needs to get to Target. Must be some sort of emergency? Maybe a hot date? A really good sale? He makes his turn to the right after mouthing some more of his one man monologue about his obviously superior driving skills and I take my left.

Listen Mr. Georgia Licence Plate Brand New Subaru, unless your wife is in advanced labor with a baby head hanging out between her knees or your mother is having a heart attack and is severely allergic to ambulance rides then you really, truly have no where important to be. Not in the middle of February in Central New York. You just don’t. Not when it is snowing like a mofo and the roads are ice, covered in snow, covered in ice, covered in evil. Stop driving like an ass. It’s winter in freaking Syracuse. There is absolutely no where you have to be. Or as they say in the south “Bless your heart, I hope you wound up in a ditch”.

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Dear Diary, Day What Not To Wear

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This was a few years ago. Because nothing says birth of Christ like matching footies and jazz hands

This was a few years ago. Because nothing says birth of Christ like matching footies and jazz hands

This has been a week from hell. In fact, it has been so completely wrong I am writing a novel about it because if I tried to write it out here, on this blog, no one would believe me. Because things like this just don’t happen to “people like me”. Which is really very funny. And not at all true. If you are one of those people who reads my stuff and thinks “Oh how droll…well, THAT would NEVER happen to ME!!!” Rest assured that it will happen to you. Maybe it hasn’t, maybe it isn’t, but it most definitely will. There but for the grace of God go you.

Anyway, that’s enough of the curses and voodoo dolls for now. You have been warned.

So, what does one wear when confronting truths they would rather not confront? To deep for you? A little too vague? It’s ok. One wears black stretch pants (the kids yell at me when I call them stretch pants. I guess they are now called leggins?) , puddle jumpers that are two sizes too big (so they make a *clurump clurump* noise when I walk) , a long sleeve teeshirt that sticks out the bottom of a sweatshirt with the neck cut out (a la Flashdance), a scarf and a long, sliver winter coat with sliver fake fur around the hood (circa 2004). OH! And ofcourse unbrushed hair thrown into a high messy bun. Unbrushed for 3 days. This is the uniform for dealing with unexpected life crisis-es.

Let me interrupt here and address a comment I received from a friend. It was bothering him that I misspell  the word :alot…alot. I actually do it intentionally because of my emotional immaturity which i explained to him (let’s all heave a collective sigh of sadness for me and my issues……………..thank you) But it’s more than that. I really believe that saying  “a lot” doesn’t get across my point as well as saying “alot” When I am speaking I do not say “I have a lot of really bad habits” I say “I have ALOT of really bad habits” Sometimes I say outloud “I have AAAAAAAAALOT of really bad habits.” To be clear, I don’t have alot or even a lot of really bad habits. I don’t believe in bad habits so it’s hard to have them. Also, ofcourse should be one word and teeshirt. So, there ya go. A lot is where boys from 1940 play stickball and alot is when there is shit going on and you are overwhelmed because it is ALOT of shit.

Tuesday happened and I wore a slightly better mom costume. I was wearing my skinny jeans. NOT because I am skinny. I am not. I am actually at my heaviest but I only know that because I went to the dr for my neck/shoulder/nerve pain and they weighed me. Bet you forgot about my outrageous pain didn’t you. *sigh* I wish you cared about me more….Where was I? Oh yes, skinny jeans because they go into my zip up knee high boots without causing me to look like I have kankles. I also had on a waist length sweater that is sort of the color of depression…it makes my eyes look soooo pretty. And the damn silver coat again.

Wednesday I stayed in my PJs all day until work so that doesn’t count. Thursday I showered and got dressed in sweats and a men’s florescent orange thermal long sleeve shirt with a men’s 2x sweatshirt over it and my keds. Because fuck you winter. I was in my car , driving (not just sitting in my car….THAT would be weird) from 8am until about 2:30. I came home and had  just enough time to get glitter in my eye and up my nose and change into my work clothes.

That brings us to today. The ensem for today is the same as Wednesday minus the shower and plus copious amounts of dog hair.

I did call the neck/shoulder/nerve Dr but they won’t see me until February and they called me a drug addict because I told them the pills the my regualr dr prescribe are doing nothing so I stopped taking them,,,,yeah makes sense to me too… so who knows if I will even keep the appointment. I also got my taxes done! Taxes make me feel like the rest of you. Taxes and death right peeps?

I whistle the intro music to my soap opera every day and I do it really really well.

I get very annoyed when it is sunny in the wintertime.

Anyone want to buy this picture? It's real purty and perf for over your couch...ooooooo you know you want it.

Anyone want to buy this picture? It’s real purty and perf for over your couch…ooooooo you know you want it.

You Should Be Bisexual…

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wonder how much that dog costume cost...anything for a laugh.

it would increase your chances. There you are, walking down the street, minding your own business  when all of the sudden a car full of teens round the corner and screams this at you? What if you heard “Jesus Loves You….ALL of you….except you in the blue…you’re going to Hell!!!”  What if you happened to be the one in blue? I can only imagine the esteems we crushed as we drove around the local college campus screaming these meaningless, silly things at random people walking. Yup, this is how we entertained ourselves before drugs ever entered the picture.

Really, for us who were IN the car, it was all harmless fun. In the spring, we would bring along water guns and balloons and soak unsuspecting victims. All fun and games until you launch a water balloon and it bursts INSIDE an Iroc Z and the driver was all hyped up on Roids and booze. He looked liked a jerky guy from a John Hughes film. He was NOT amused. At all. Many wet people were not amused. Many wet, unamused people believed they could outrun our car. I only remember one who actually did catch us and it was because of a stop sign. We were goofballs, but we always obeyed the rules of the road. Lucky for us, the car had manual roll up windows. If we had to wait for an electric roll up window we might have died that night. All for a little squirt of water, can you imagine?

Every so often, one of us would bring along the video camera so as to capture the hilarious-ness. Around and around the 4 blocks we would go, singing along to the radio at the top of our lungs while hanging out the windows. Squirting people….with water. IT’S ONLY WATER!!! We were bound to get busted sooner or later. Because really, the general public has no sense of humor. Or maybe because we were kind of annoying….no….cause society needs to lighten up!!

 We pulled up to a stop light on a  beautiful summer evening, windows down, radio crankin the oldies station and a cop pulled up next to us. Ofcourse we turned to look at him, with our video camera in hand, and our award-winning smiles. To our surprise, he smiles back and says “Hello girls, we JUST got a call in to the station about a car full of kids, driving around campus, squirting people and filming it….you wouldn’t know anything about that would you?”  Seriously? Some one called the cops on us? We slowly lowered the camera and looked the cop right in the eye and said “No sir.” He said ” That’s funny, they described the car you are in right now, and it seems you have a video camera, and are those water guns on the dashboard?” My friend, being the most clever one, said ” Obviously this is a set up, officer. We’ve been framed.” My other friend said “What a co-inky dink!!” The officer replied with “I see. Well, then you girls be very careful out there tonight. You would not want to get wet, or filmed by a bunch of renegade water squirting video taping crazies. Or be mistaken for them and get a ticket for disorderly conduct!” And with those words of warning, he drove away. And we breathed a sigh of relief and squirted the guy in the car next to us.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all those who we harmed with our obnoxious behavior and our water balloon shenanigans. I would also like to acknowledge all those who laughed along with us. I would like to present the Funniest Group Of People Waiting For A Bus Award to the people waiting for a bus who lowered their heads and simultaneously flipped us off on our 4th drive by…because that was hysterical.

There were many who did engage with our silliness, more who did than didn’t. This was a “pre 9/11” world and people were far more tolerant of idiocy back then. Today, no doubt, that cop would have us arrested and thrown away the key just for being obnoxious kids. When was the last time you saw ANYONE doing a chinese fire drill at a stoplight? And if you did, you know it scared you. You know you  at least contemplated calling the police. I don’t believe we will ever get back the innocence lost. And that is ok, that is the way it is. But whether I am IN the car or ON the street, I will remember to laugh at the stupidity and randomness of the other people in this world. Feel free to do the same. When a car full drives by me and yells “Hello fans!!! Hello!!! I LUV you!!! Each and every one of you….YOU MADE ME WHAT I AM TODAY!!!!” I will blow them a kiss and wave. If I get mooned by a bunch of guys while driving down the highway, I will laugh and beep.

Make the arm motion at the Big Rig Guy so he blows his horn. Press your face up against the window with a sign that says “The Farts Are Killing Me”. Pull up to that red light with your finger half way up your nose,then slowly turn and look at the guy next to you. Spread the love, share the laugh, enjoy the moment. If we can’t talk or text, then engage with all the other people on the road…BE a random act. Lubes, Lugs and Sparkplugs!!!

Your Chariot Awaits, M’lady

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my first car

I have been driving since before I was allowed to be driving. I have fond memories of sitting on my dad’s lap and steering the Lincoln up Hazel St, turning into our driveway. There is a picture somewhere around here of me at 2 years old with my legs stuck through the steering wheel of my grandpa’s Impala. And my mom was letting me back in and out of our driveway(which was the size of a small parking lot) by the age of 10. I couldn’t wait to drive because driving meant freedom. Biking everywhere was fine, except when it rained or in the winter. And alot of the places I liked to go were too far to bike. I have an independent spirit.  Having a car is the ultimate in independence in my opinion.

My independent spirit does get me into trouble. Please don’t confuse my independent spirit with a “can-do” spirit. I don’t have a “can-do” spirit. I have a “if I have to I will” spirit but I would rather not.

 My first car was a Chevy Citation. It was my mom’s. She got a talking town car, something she had wanted for years and gave me the Citation. As soon as I got the Citation, my friends and I were taking road trips. We went to NYC to see the closing night of A Chorus Line. We went to Rhode Island to bet on Jai-Alai and the Greyhounds, although, not one of us was old enough to be gambling…I moved to Texas.

That citation died and my boyfriend at the time bought me a new Citation. Ofcourse, it was a falling apart Citation, but luckily he was a wanna be mechanic. The floor was rusted out completely. I could Flintstone if I wanted to and everyone in the back seat got wet every time it rained. So, my boyfriend got steel bed rails and welded them to the bottom of the car to hold the frame together and told me to drive carefully cause if I got into an accident the rails would impale the other car. Oh and we never did get the dead body smell out of the car.

I went to university in Philadelphia and I didn’t take my car. I was irritated every day that I had to walk the 8 blocks to the grocery or had to wait for the subway. When I came home, I got yet another Citation. This one didn’t have heat. So, I had to hang my head out of the window in the winter to see where I was going. That was really cold. It also didn’t have 3rd or 4th gear and it was an automatic. So, I was stylin with my windshield frozen on the inside doing top speeds of 30 mph. Look out world, here I come!!!! Again, this is my “if I have to I will” spirit.

I don’t remember all the other crap cars I had…there was the car that my drunk uncle sold me and my friends (we all chipped in on the 75 dollars). It was some huge boat like car from the 1970’s and we didn’t know it didn’t have brakes until we were up on S.U. campus and headed down hill…lucky for us that beautiful stone building was in the right spot!! Then, there was the Subaru with a backdoor that didn’t close and a rear tire that was falling off. That just meant that we all had to sit on one side of the car and hold the rope that was tied to the door to keep it shut. We got mugged while IN that car….pathetic. I had a car that didn’t have reverse, that took alot of “think ahead” when parking. I had a car that the two front tires were held together with chain. Driving that car was alot like yachting, there were no sharp turns happening in that car, more like drifting from one direction to another. I had a car that didn’t have power steering or brakes. That took two of us to drive.  I could go straight, but if I had to turn, I had to stop and ask someone off the street to help me with the steering wheel. I met alot of nice people when I drove that car.

I had cars that had gas leaks, oil leaks and transmission leaks. I had tires fall off (as I was doing 50 mph on 690), I had windows that never closed and doors that never opened. I had a cars that the speedometer didn’t work (FYI: if you sing NIN “Head Like A Hole” on the highway to the speed that the yellow dashes are going by that is about 55 mph…) and I had one car that the gas gauge didn’t work. I was always running out of gas at the most inopportune moments. My first “real” car, a car I bought from a dealer and had a car payment for, was an adorable Subaru 5 speed stick. Now I was really hot stuff!! Until it accelerated unexpectedly as I was driving up James St during rush hour. That was scary!! Then it came down with a mice infestation….that stunk…literally. Everytime I turned the heat on I was cooking mice. Sad and smelly.

Then I had a beautiful Chrysler Town and Country mini van. It had all the bells and whistles. Seat warmers, 6 disc CD, climate control, leather interior, remote control doors, all sorts of holders for all sorts of things. It was beautiful. The transmission fell out 3 times and then the radio died. Just because something is pretty doesn’t mean it is nice.

I am now driving a Honda CRV. I love it. But when I got it, it only seated 5. I have 3 kids who generally always have a friend along. So, I went on the net and bought a thrid row seat. Brilliant!!! Now I could seat 8!!! With seatbelts and all!! And Honda’s last forever, right?! Right?! Apparently I have the only Honda that has an internal engine issue. I’m at 147,000 miles on a 2005, bought new, off the lot and its eating oil like an American made….

I love my cars. I’ve cried every time I have ever had to have one towed. I love to drive, although I am looking forward to my oldest driving next year so I can be the passenger. I love to take road trips (as long as they don’t involve bridges over water). We used to just take a drive on a Sunday afternoon and wind up in the most beautiful places Upstate has to offer. I have never been too concerned about getting lost, every road leads somewhere and somewhere there is a person who can point me in the right direction. And it is true that where ever I go, there I am!!!

January 1, 2010 (rated R for potty mouth)

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First I would like to apologize to James for not making it to your dad’s calling hours.I was fully intending on being there but as you will see I got side tracked. I was looking forward to seeing your son who I haven’t seen since he was a few months old, and meeting your wife. My condolences. I think I have reached the age where I actually look forward to funerals because I know it brings people together. Those of us who live far apart either in physical distance or mental distance.

I am pretty ambivalent about New Years. I start my days over whenever I want so, a “new year” can begin whenever I choose. I’m not one for hinging my life, goals or dreams on a date in the year. The expectations and disappointments would wreck me.

I wound up this day by driving thru East Butt Fuck in a extra large van in an extra large snow storm. Why? you might ask…because I was caught off guard. And the fears I have I don’t know I have until I am in the middle of East Butt fuck with 4 kids in the car and my Tourette’s kicks in and I start saying out loud “Oh my fucking God. I don’t fucking believe this shit. What the fuck??!!” Yeah well, the white trash just goes with the van. I can’t help myself.

Seriously the ONE fucking road sign said “Welcome to East Butt Fuck established just now for YOU stupid” The hills were something out of a nightmare. Straight down with 90 degree curves. Posted speed limit on a good day is 25 mph. Tonight, they were sheer ice. No one owns a plow in East Butt Fuck much less salt. I just stood on the brake and pretended to steer down the hill all the while cursing the road, the van, God and life.

Ofcourse I am out of gas. I pass a sign that says Stockbridge and I start to sweat. I can’t think of where Stockbridge is. I know I see the school closed all the time. I know I dropped off the mislenous kid between Canofsoda and Caz so, there is no way I wound up in the Ardirondacks….I don’t think…doing 15 miles an hour for about 45 minutes I guess I could have. I don’t know. I couldn’t think straight. All I could do was be mad and swear randomly. And neither was helping me stay on the road.

I came upon an accident where a Jeep had flipped on to it’s side into a ditch and I am passing with extreme caution. Apparently TOO extreme as I got stuck and couldn’t make it up the hill. I have to back up which is about impossible because the back windshield wiper has decided it’s tired and doesn’t feel like working. The back windshield is totally covered and I can see nothing. So, I have the two 15 yr olds in the way back telling me if I am going into the ditch or not. Yeah, like I trust them to understand that they hold my life and livelihood in their hands. They play video games where if you go in a ditch you just drive out of it.

I turn the freaking fucking bald tired boat around and slide down the hill almost into the 4 cop cars. I finally see a sign that says Oneida and want to punch someone. I start down that road and like a mirage there’s a Saveon. Stop and get gas and I’m on my way. I go thru Sherrill, into Oneida and I stop swearing. But I am still so mad that I decide to go home the EXTRA long way. THAT’ll show the van it can’t fuck with me. Yeah, that’s exactly what I was thinking. I was going to go from Oneida to Shittenango to Fayettevile to Manlius to Caz just to spite the van. And the roads and the DPW workers who don’t plow in East Butt fuck. That will teach them!!!

And so, what is normally a 25 minute drive took me over an hour and 15 minutes. Just the last part I mean. From when I found Oneida. The part before that took me over an hour.

I do love to drive….MY car…as long as it is not snowing. This piece of shit van and I are having a hate hate relationship. I fucking hate it. But I need it. And I need to be grateful for it. Much like many of my relationships with people. And I am unsure as to what lesson I was supposed to learn from all of this nonsense. If I took into consideration that this is the first day of the year, if I cared at all about that simple fact, this would be the worst fated thing to happen. This would be setting me up for the rest of the year to go badly. Lucky for me that I put NO stock into that sort of thinking. I won’t tell you last year was a bad year. Occasionally at the end of a very stressful day I will chalk it up to a “bad day” but that is for my own piece of mind.

I shouldn’t complain. I know many have it worse. And I am not complaining about the easy shit. The everyday petty annoyances that I hear so many complain about. I know better (most of the time). I have had enough loss in my life to know that the little shit doesn’t add up to much and I do not want to be that shallow. It’s not in the gifts given or not given, or the words said or not said, it’s not about the time spent or not spent. It’s bigger and much, much more intense than any of that. I know. I wish I didn’t. I wish that I could find fault without that nagging knowledge that I have far more faults than the ones I find in others. I wish I could complain with a clear conscious that others have nothing to complain about when they think of me. But life has not been that kind or easy to me. And as bad as it has been, it has been just as good. And it has been harder and more challenging for those around me.

I know these things. I have learned many hard lessons. I have been shown unconditional love from the most unexpected places and gratitude is a way of life for me. See the stupid shit that goes thru my mind when I take a 4 hour tour in a blinding snowstorm with no radio??? Happy fucking new year anyway.