Tag Archives: girls

It Was A Dark And Stormy Night…

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rabid-narwhal

What did YOUR Uterus do today?

It all started when  decided to pretend-pay my bills. I do this usually once a month. I open up all of the bill-ish looking mail that I have been sticking in a basket on my desk for the prior 29 days. Then, I very adultly decide which bills I will pay and which can wait for another 29 days or so. Sometimes I find fun things disguised as bills, like, letters letting me know I have accumulated enough points on my cell phone bill to get 3% off of a brand new toaster ( I don’t toast things so…)  Or a letter from a fellow village resident letting me know that we have someone in the neighborhood who is using all of the bandwidth ( I don’t know what bandwidth is so…). Or, in the case of Last Night, a letter from my GYN telling me I was scheduled for a “procedure” at 9am…the next morning….which would be this morning.

And so, I went to hang out at my doctor’s office  at 9am. I mean, there was a “procedure” to take place , but I guess the warm up to that was me sitting pants-less for 45 minutes in anticipation. Yeah. 45 minutes of no pants. I swear it must be somewhere in my Permanent Record that I enjoy sitting ass naked in exam rooms. I don’t, but somewhere along the line, someone got the impression that I did, and now, here we are, 43 years later…free ballin…again. I have to say I was curious as to what  this “procedure” would entail. Aren’t you curious?

The nurse came in and took my blood pressure. 119 over 77. She complimented me on my low blood pressure (nurses always do, which is why I added it to my online dating profile). I asked her what all this “procedure” was going to be like. She was pretty vague…something about iodine and a small amount of blood and uterus and cervix. You know how some people hate the word moist? I feel the same way about the word cervix. It absolutely makes me want to gag. I think that is why I had such a hard time going into labor spontaneously. The thought of my cervix doing ANYTHING grosses me out the door.

Anyway, after about 4 days and 1200 texts to my friends about being half naked for no good reason, the doctor came in. She went over what she was about to do. It was something about a straw with a cutting tool and maybe a telescope? something about a spatula and then she said cervix and I tuned out.

I assumed the position, scootched down 3 times and tried to go to my happy place in my mind. All of the sudden, I felt this blinding pain, a cross between a cramp and buck shot being directed into my abdominal cavity. For a minute, I thought my missing right ovary had returned with assault weapons and possibly a rabid narwhal. I probably would have kicked the doctor right in the ear but I think I was being pinned to the table from the inside. There may have been some swearing, there was absolutely some begging and bargaining. At one point, I believe I may have promised the nurse a new car if she would just get the doctor out of my cootch long enough for me to jump out the window.

And then I heard the doctor sigh and say “Well, your cervix is very cooperative but….blah blah blah blahblahblahblah” Yeah, she said the magic word and that was all it took. Let’s just wrap up this TMI nightmare by saying that I had NOT planned on this nonsense today. In fact, I was headed into work when I decided to take this detour into female hell. I love being a girl, there are so many reasons to love being a girl. But the down-there doctor always makes me rethink my stance on feminism.

There is more to the story but, I will leave you with this thought : A gynecologist is simply a dentist for your lady bits.

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Dear Diary, It’s Been Awhile…

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My mom was in a biker gang when she was young. She is still pretty bad ass.

My mom was in a biker gang when she was young. She is still pretty bad ass.

So…how’s it going? Me? Not much is new here. We had Easter. That was nice. I like Easter. I used to dress up the kids in identical dresses every year which was challenging as they are 4 years apart. When my oldest was 11, she started rolling her eyes when I would come home with the matching dresses. My dad actually put his arm around her shoulder on the last Easter he was alive and said “Really, I think it’s time you stopped forcing them to dress alike…they aren’t triplets, they aren’t going to be triplets. Just because they are sisters doesn’t mean they need to match on major holidays.”  And then he died. Well, not right at that moment…that would have been REALLY traumatic and maybe if that had happened I would have taken his words to heart. Instead, I continue to find matching outfits. But not matching exactly. For Christmas, we all wore knit dresses in solid colors. For Easter, we all wore dresses with crochet overlay…yes, I said WE…I have included myself in the dress alike nonsense since I have become single. Judge not lest ye be judged…

We saw some movies. We cleaned the basement. We are painting my youngest kid’s bedroom. It is spring break here.

That’s all.

TTYL.

This is what we do while waiting for church to start...reverence..we got it.

This is what we do while waiting for church to start…reverence..we got it.

Our New Cousin Bonnie

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She has a pretty smile

So, everyone thinks I am a nut. I took in a friend’s dog for an indefinite amount of time. Might be a few months, could be 3 years…Not really sure. My friend is a single mom of 3 young kids, just moved herself, her kids, her 3 dogs, 2 cats and couple of bunnies from one state (where she had just finished her Masters in some sort of scientific smarty pants degree) to another state to go to law school (of course). And she is only in her late 20’s. She came to my hometown to visit with her 3 kids and her 3 dogs. She had asked if I would be willing to keep one of her dogs for an extended stay. I agreed and here is why.

Firstly, I think she is an incredible woman. I am so impressed with her and what she is doing I was honored to be able to help her out. Secondly, when I was her age, my life was chaos and all I really needed was someone to take just one thing off my hands for just a little while so that I could focus and regroup myself and my family. I didn’t have that. In fact, whenever I asked, it seems that I would have more crap piled onto my plate by whom ever I asked to help. I know the feeling of overwhelm and I know the feeling of just needing someone to lend a hand and I know the feeling of NOT getting that hand.

So, when she asked I said yes! Yes I will take your sweetie dog Bonnie. I think I was supposed to take her other dog but she was not as friendly with strangers and I have other people’s kids in and out of the house so I didn’t want a nervous dog to scare the kids. So, Bonnie came to stay.

My friends think I am nuts. My mom thinks I am nuts. I am probably nuts but in a good way. I think it’s funny that my mom thinks I am nuts as she did the same thing with cats when I was growing up. Wonder where I get it from…Anyway, Bonnie is a good girl. She is a tiny jack russle mix. I would guess she has some corgi in her? She’s a mutt. A snuggly little white mutt with freckles and brown eyes. My youngest is in love with her because she is not a spaz like Leo. She has manners and she likes to cuddle. And so Bonnie has moved in with my littlest girl. Leo was very excited to have Bonnie as a new friend. Very excited. VERY excited. EXCITED!!!!

Leo sniffed and barked and wagged. Bonnie cowered behind me. Leo sang a song, did his amazing flips from couch to couch to chair, and chewed on the coffee table all in an effort to impress Bonnie. Bonnie tried to crawl into my arm pit. Leo finally settled down on the chair and just contemplated his new “cousin” who was molded around my middle sound asleep. He didn’t get her. He wanted to play! He wanted to jump around and make me yell at him (he loves when I yell at him and clap my hands and stamp my feet…he thinks it’s funny). But Bonnie wanted nothing to do with Leo and his bad behaviors. Leo cocked his head and was confused. He also did not get the snuggling. He will snuggle if he is tired and it is almost bedtime anyway. But at any other time of the day he is GO GO GO!!!! No snuggling for Mr. Independent. He has stuff to chew, places to pee and a mom to piss off. No time for that snuggling crap.

Places to go…Things to see….Butts to sniff!!!! ONWARD!!!

Now, with the addition of Bonnie Love I have come to an awareness about myself and my choices in dogs. When I had Emma and Spencer, EVERYONE loved Emma because she was a good submissive girl who ONLY wanted to be petted and snuggled. Everyone loved Spencer because he was soooo good lookin and very funny. Emma was an attention hound. Spencer loved to get his belly rubbed but really, he could take it or leave it. I mean, if the garbage can was still upright, or the front door was open, or the toilet seat was up, well then, he had a job to do. Loving could wait. And as much as I hated the garbage knocked over or running around the neighborhood like an idiot yelling for Spence, I also very much LOVED his personality. His independent spirit, his ability to just be himself despite me. I enjoyed Spence. I loved Emma because she was sweet and there was no doubt that she loved us completely. Spencer, I was never quite sure that he loved us. He knew we loved him, I know he cared about us…but he wasn’t co dependent. He had things to do ya know.

I see the same thing now with Leo and Bonnie. Bonnie wants love. She wants to be with us and physically close to us. Leo wants to be with us but mainly because he wants us to play with him, take him for a ride or walk, yell at him or chase him. Sure, he wants love….when he wants it. Not when he doesn’t want it. Bonnie wants love 24/7 and even when she isn’t in the mood, she is. She is never not in the mood! I am falling in love with Bonnie but really who wouldn’t? That’s a no brainer. A good dog who gives love. Isn’t that the ideal? But I am realizing how much I love Leo and his naughty spazy self. I love his character, I love his personality and I love his independence. More than I did when I didn’t have a good dog to compare him to.

could care less about a butt sniffing session….there’s a nice leg to curl up with…oooohhhh and flannel sheets!!!!

The addition of Bonnie is making both of them shine.

Now, upon further thought, I realize that what I like in a canine is also what I tend to like in a guy. An attractive guy who is lots of fun, independent, kind of a spaz and takes it in stride when I get annoyed with his antics. But loving, loyal and smart. And fixed. Just kidding…kind of…