Tag Archives: God

Dear Diary, Day of Dis-ease

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She thought maybe this was Platform Nine and three quarters...she was wrong.

She thought maybe this was Platform Nine and three quarters…she was wrong.

I had cheese last night before I passed out. I don’t think this is a good idea. I do not recommend it. But getting home at 10:30pm and wanting to sleep, cheese seemed like a good idea. I woke up, um, not hungry. But whatever. I had to go to the bank and then the other bank and then to the Village Office to pay my taxes. I had to pay them today or I would have to pay the overdue fine. I made it to both banks and by the time I got to the Village Office I was feeling really queasy. I was still in my pj’s, the dog was in the car. I was blaming the cheese.

I went in. Paid my taxes in a total haze, walked out and threw up in the bushes. As if that isn’t bad enough, some guy in a truck was just pulling in and my dog decided that I was taking too long getting back to the car and started barking like he was going to die. I had no water so I grabbed some clean snow and shoved it in my mouth and spit it out. Momentary gratefulness that it is winter.

Had to walk by the guy getting out of his truck to get to my car. I think I mumbled something about taxes making me sick and dove into my car and yelled at the dog to quit barking.

Got home, showered. And that is when I found out that we are out of toilet paper. Also out of paper towels. But I found a box of tissues that were only half gone. It’s turning out to be a great day!

I had to get the kids from school and drop my 15 year old off to her babysitting gig. The 11 year old needed Valentine’s Cards for school tomorrow. I sent her into the drug store with my debt card and instructions to get toilet paper. And hurry. She did. We came home, I took a nap while she did homework and took the dog out for a pee. When I got up, I felt a bit better. We cracked open the Vday cards. Ofcourse she doesn’t have her class list. Ofcourse she doesn’t. She starts to sign her name to the first one and she says “Oh look it says ‘I’m glad God made us friends’ that’s weird huh mom? ” …..um…WHAT? *sigh* She accidentally bought God cards with the bible verse on the back and everything. Now, don’t get on my case. I love God, I love Valentine’s Day but I am NOT in the mood to start a riot. It’s 2014 and maybe you don’t pay attention but I do and I know that someone would make a stink. Plus, they were just plain  bad cards.  If my kid got a God  VDay card I would be a little irritated to tell you the truth.

There finds me in the basement trying to find the VDay box of left over crap. The cat poop smell is overwhelming me. I am cursing everyone I can think of. I am hating life.

I usually decorate and make valentines for everyone but this year I was just not feeling it. I finally found the damn box. Brought it up and managed to find 24 assorted cards. Barbie, Harry Potter, Rug Rats, Simpsons, Generic Princess, and Power Rangers. She put alot of thought into which kid would like which card the best. Meanwhile, I was throwing up in the kitchen sink.

She showered, ate, and went to bed. No kisses for me tonight. Praying she doesn’t catch this bug…in fact, I will send God a Valentine’s Day card so he won’t afflict my child with this ravaging illness.

Happy almost Valentine's Day.

Happy almost Valentine’s Day.

 

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Lead a snot into temptation but deliever us from weasles

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does not repell little sister vampires

Every Sunday I get they urge to expound on my spiritual beliefs. But I get over it and move on to Monday and the minutia of my everyday life. Yesterday, my oldest was confirmed in the same faith that my great-grandmother, grandmother, mother and myself were confirmed into. She joined the church, reaffirming her baptism, committing to become an adult member of the church, all her own decision.

When I had her baptized in this faith, I was ambivalent. I was doing it mainly out of a sense of tradition and superstition…I wasn’t positive I believed in God, but what if I was wrong. I sure didn’t want my precious little baby to suffer because I wasn’t sure. So, just to be on the safe side, she was baptized. As she grew, so did my faith. My spirituality grew more outside of my religion. I was consistent in getting her to sunday school. I knew I wanted her to have the security that having a religion gives. But I wasn’t attending church. I was following a different spiritual path. I was exactly where I needed to be.

And then we had a series of deaths in the family which shook my faith and eventually destroyed it completely. In an effort to regain inner peace, I started attending what I lovingly called The Bible Banger Church. I was searching for answers and assurance. The religion of my upbringing was very structured and I felt so chaotic I couldn’t find sanctuary in the sweetness of the sameness. So, to the Bible Banger Church we went. I did find comfort there, in the early days. I enjoyed the rawness, the unabashed displays of joy and the message that no matter what Jesus loved us…with conditions….wait…what? Maybe I misunderstood. So, I kept going. The kids enjoyed the sunday school program. They always got candy and they had friends there. The youth group was always doing cool stuff like having dances and going on trips. No doubt there was lots of love there.

But the exclusion-ness of the message didn’t jive with the way I was brought up or what I believed. And my children were being taught a sort of elitist-ness that I could not honestly agree with. After two years of listening and learning, I was done with the Bible Banger Church. I was so very grateful for the experience and the love that I felt there. But the religion I was raised in was all inclusive, excluding no one regardless of sexual orientation, race, or current or former religion. I grew up secure in the idea that all people go to heaven. No matter what they believe. Jews, Buddhists, Muslims, even the Catholics!! everyone goes to heaven. Because God loves all people, even sinners, even people who don’t believe. Everyone goes into the afterlife, into a better place. There is no hell except that which we create for ourselves.

The God I know loves me unconditionally, loves all unconditionally. God is within me and everyone. I need look no further than myself to commune with God. The darkest days of my life were the days when I was certain there was no power greater than myself. When I had no God to speak with. When I was convinced that there was nothing more than me here, alone, with no  help, no great savior to step in and alter the course of life. I brought my pain to the groups where I learned a personal spirituality which is different from my religion. One very kind man told me after I shared on the death of my faith that I could borrow his faith until my own returned. And so I did. He also reminded me that God wants us to question, wants us to test because it gives God the opportunity to show us miracles and help us to believe. He told me that the faith that would return to me would be greater than it ever was before.

That man was correct. My faith has returned and it is not the same old faith I had before. It is greater, more powerful, and much more practical. I believe what I have always believed in regard to God, but now I know what I believe to be true. I guess I could name off the ways regaining faith has changed me, but I doubt it’s important for anyone else to hear. I bet you all have stories of faith lost and regained or have reasons that faith in a higher power is not what you believe. It takes all of us with our views and opinions and our love to make the world turn.

I tried to be a Bible Banger, I tried to be an Episcopalian, I tried to be a woman with no religion and none of it worked for me. I disagreed with the Bible Bangers, I wasn’t wealthy enough for the Episcopalians and I was too needy to not have a religion. So, here we are back to being what we have always been and content. I love the hymns and the organ, I love the structure and tradition and predictability, I love the message that God loves everyone and everyone is accepted, just as they are, believers or not. My God speaks to me through people, not just through my pastor or the bible. God is within everyone I see, everyone I hear and the most powerful messages I have ever received have been out of the mouths of the most unlikely sources.

My prayer for my daughter is that she continues to explore other religions and finds what she believes, what give her peace and fills her with faith. I was given that great gift by my mother to explore, unrestricted, any and all other religions, and I eventually came back to my church, with a wider view of life and a beautiful knowledge of why I personally chose to be a part of an organized religion. Let go and Let God….

Now that is not to say that when she opened her gift of a steel cross from the church I didn’t say “That’s to keep the vampires away.” and she replied with “Oh I thought we accepted vampires in our religion!” And then she  flashed at it at her little sister (whose dream currently is to become a Cullen) and said “I guess it doesn’t work.” Being funny is her other religion….