Tag Archives: movies

Pop Music Makes My Brain Hurt

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Got my head x-rayed today after years of being told “You should have your head x-rayed” in response to every decision I have ever made. Apparently, x-rays can show why I make bad decisions. Technically, it wasn’t an x-ray. It was an MRI. Whatev. Same thing only different. I was so excited about  this I accidentally went yesterday, a day early. So, I went back today for realz.

I had no idea what to expect. I spent all day yesterday filling my brain with funny and interesting thoughts so that the technician would think I was brilliant and then gather all his colleagues to look at my incredible brain and then I would be the subject of a medical paper which would lead to a big budget movie starring Will Ferrell as me. I didn’t really think about what an MRI is like. I found out today. It is not as bad as a root canal but not as fun as a Disney ride.

The laid me down on a skinny, hard table. They put ear phones on me and then a helmet. This did not make me feel very sexy.  They gave me a thing to squeeze if I needed them and then I shut my eyes and tried to think good thoughts. They put on some generic pop music which was more annoying that the actual sound of the machine. The music made me think bad thoughts, like all of the people who have dissed me, my broken heart, my friends and family who have died…morbid. That’s what Kelly Clarkson does to my brain. Keeping my eyes shut, I yelled “Can you please change it to NPR?” The guy said “We don’t get that station, sorry”. He’s a liar. He said it would only take 3 minutes. Well, being a dance teacher for over 20 years I can tell you that a top 40 pop song is at MOST 3 minutes 30 seconds. I was in that helmet for over 5 songs which equals 15 minutes. Liar. I was going through Diane Rehm withdrawal.

After 7 hours of Taylor Swift whining about boys she has dated and all of the haters in the world, The Liar came in and told me they were going to shoot me up with some dye. Since he has a history of lying to me I asked for a second opinion. He laughed, shot me up, stuffed me back into the machine and cranked some Demi Lovato. At this point I realized I was missing my opportunity to WOW this guy with my hysterical thoughts and really informed opinions so I had to concentrate. The only thing that popped into my head was this:blog post Which made me giggle which my head move which got me yelled at. But it was too late. I was suddenly flooded with memories of doing my other best guy friend’s hair with mousse and a hair dryer and it looking like this : blog post 7 and the time when my then-6-year-old daughter yelled “SPAR” and went karate krazy on her big sister who was not expecting it: blog post 8and this picture when I got a hand made boob warmer for my birthday blog post 4  and my beeeeAuTiFUL children blog post 5 and when I dressed my dog up as a punk rocker for halloween blog 6 and the time my kid was not impressed with her banana hat blog post 10 and the time my mean cat refused to let us go down stairs blog post 9 and the time I sliced the tip of my finger off blog post 11

And just as the pictures in my mind started to go down hill, The Liar said “Ok we are done” and pulled me out of the can and took off my helmet and the ear phones. I asked if he liked what he saw and he looked at me with an expression I can only interpret as “you have the most incredible mind I have ever seen”.

Nothing more to do now but wait for the call from Scorsese…

 

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Dear Diary, I Saw The Moses Movie

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Shameless Promotion! This and other nonsense available!! https://www.etsy.com/shop/TerminallyUnique?ref=hdr_shop_menu

Shameless Promotion! This and other nonsense available!! https://www.etsy.com/shop/TerminallyUnique?ref=hdr_shop_menu

I wrote this as an extra long status update on my Facebook page but I figured y’all would want to be informed also so here ya go : Allow me to break down the Moses movie for you : Starts out with the guy from that really good movie where he has a comb over (which is NOT Dallas Buyers Club…I spent THAT whole movie waiting for the chick from the Hunger Games to make an appearance….didn’t happen) as a really HAWT Moses and his pretend brother who seems rather bored being the Prince of Egypt. Then, Gandhi appears and tells Moses that he is actually Jewish and that the servant girl is actually his sister. He knows this because Jessie from Breaking Bad is actually his cousin…Jessie is still all tweeked out getting whipped and smiling….THEN, the bored Prince dude threatens to cut off the sister/servant girl’s arm. Mo says “NO WAY!” Signorine Weaver walks in and says “OFF WITH HER ARM AND KILL MOSES TOO!” Just like that. No British accent like everyone else in the movie (except for Jessie who had a strong Irish accent because Meth). Very disappointed in Sigorney. Very disappointed. So, they banish Moses where he starts wandering in the desert and then his horse dies and then he gets mugged and has to kill the 2 mugger dudes. But he is drawing a map as he goes because obvi he doesn’t have any bread crumbs to leave as a trail. Duh. Read the Bible. He comes to a little village and asserts his male presence by telling the bully sheep herders to back away from the well and let the pretty girls go back to getting water. The main pretty girl falls in love with him for this. Then she has to tell him that just because she isn’t from Tennessee that she still has class. They get married in this really equal rights ceremony and have a kid. But THEN…Mo accidentally goes up God Mountain while chasing goats and there is the creepy little dude from Children of the Corn as God. So creepy little God dude tells Mo that he has to fight. Mo is all “Oh sure…after 400 years of slavery? Great timing creepy little God dude…I have a family. I can’t.” Creepy little God dude is like “Well….you WILL…otherwise you will slowly go insane. You’re choice. Free will and all that” Mo goes home, tells his wife who says he’s an idiot. He leaves to go back to Memphis. He passes the cross roads where he does NOT sell his soul to the devil for a big music career (bad choice in retrospect). He arrives just in time to rally the troupes, including Jessie and Gandhi, Creepy Little God dude makes all this really horrible stuff happen….like REALLY horrible…really makes you HATE creepy little God dude. Alot. Finally, the board Prince says “Your God is a freak and you all need to get the hell out of MY city” They all leave and get to the sea…Moses has a crisis of faith and Creepy Little God dude won’t even speak to him. But he does part the sea, everyone crosses and the board Prince shows up to take out the 400,000 that he let go but the sea closes and he doesn’t have a boat. I guess he goes home after that. Meanwhile, Mo and the rest just keep swimming….just kidding. They walk and walk and then Moses stops home to get his wife and kid… has a nice chat with the Creepy Little God Dude. CLGD says that Mo is sufficiently humbled and he can write the 10 commandments which should keep all these losers in line after Mo kicks the bucket. The End. Over all it was a good movie and very Charlton Heston-esque but with more gruesome bloody animal killings. It was pretty bland considering. There were some funny parts…the dummy from Pithom was Harod-like. Anyway, I think this will appeal more to older people. I can see my mom really liking it. It isn’t a strict interpretation of the story from the Bible. It seems they made it less spicy. I hope they do a part two where Jessie finds the millions that Walt buried in the desert and buys everyone their own country.

The End.

Dear Diary, Kiss Today Goodbye

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Yeah so I was driving thru Middle Earth yesterday and came across this guy...He actually tried to get in my car. I was all "Dude! This ain't Disney"

Yeah so I was driving thru Middle Earth yesterday and came across this guy…He actually tried to get in my car. I was all “Dude! This ain’t Disney”

I would but I can’t. Because I have the worst canker sore in the history of canker sores. I can’t smile, I can’t really talk and just sitting here, breathing, makes my eyes water. My cheek is swollen…like, you can SEE it. That’s bad don’t you agree? I’d show it to you (because it is my proven theory that by showing as many people as you can your canker sore makes it hurt less) but it hurts so bad I think the flash from the camera might make me cry. It’s shooting pain up my nose and down my throat. I’m probably not going to make it through the night. But I texted my bff my last will and testament so I’m ready to go. Death by canker sore. I never would have guessed.

I don’t know what else I can tell you. Saw a couple of movies before this canker sore incapacitated me…They sucked eggs. I drove over 300 miles yesterday and literally didn’t GO anywhere. We switched from skim milk to whole organic milk. So far, I just feel fatter not healthier. Blah, blah, blah…dog, kids, car, sleep. Just so you know, it was actually High Drama Weekend but we won’t get into that right now…because my canker sore hurts so bad.

Don’t forget, turn the clocks around next weekend and MY CANKER SORE IS OUTRAGEOUS.

I used to not care about our hometown sports teams, but right now, I hate them. But they shouldn’t take it personally and I am sure I will get over it.

I'm at the age where I can wear fan tee shirts without embarrassment...or with less embarrassment...ok, I was only NOT embarrassed until I left the house.

I’m at the age where I can wear fan tee shirts without embarrassment…or with less embarrassment…ok, I was only NOT embarrassed until I left the house.

Dear Diary, Day of Nothing Much Is New

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A few years ago, my the 11 year old SOLD her 7 year old sister some old books. the 7 year old wanted a refund.

A few years ago, my the 11 year old SOLD her 7 year old sister some old books. the 7 year old wanted a refund.

So, nothing exciting has been happening. No fun stories to report. The kids came home, took them for mani pedis and a movie. My 11 year old had a sleepover with her bff. The dog came home from doggie day care exhausted and that is always wonderful.

This guy I am dating is alot of fun.

I think I am going to get serious about finding my birth family. But only if it is easy and only when I feel like it. Unless any of you want to find them for me…I am craving information, I am craving the unknown to be known. And I am really interested in my medical history.

But then I get distracted or busy with kid stuff and it all fades away again. Until the next chest pain or uterus pain or boob pain and then I get all hyped up about needing to KNOW.

Still planning to drive across the country this summer with the kids.

Now I am used to the snow and cold and I sort of hope it stays winter forever so I don’t have to do yard work or wear tank tops.

When the 11 year old refused the refund, the 7 year old took matters into her own hands. Sisters, can't live with 'em? Bury them.

When the 11 year old refused the refund, the 7 year old took matters into her own hands. Sisters, can’t live with ’em? Bury them.

Oh Diary Dear….It’s Day Four…

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This is what my cat looks like when she is trying to take over the world

This is what my cat looks like when she is trying to take over the world

Woke up. And just let me state here so we are all on the same page…I wake up every single morning in extreme pain. If I am lucky, I will wake up about 5 to pee and take some Tylenol so that when I get up at 7 I am in not as much pain. That’s every day. Why? Not sure. Don’t have enough money to care. But there it is.

Took a shower, got dressed, took the dog out, hopped in the car and went to the bagel shop. Pretty uneventful. Dropped the dog off at home and went to the mall. I should have been out snow shoeing or cross country skiing but I got a pedicure instead. Then I went to the movies. I made a new friend who we shall call Scott (because I can’t remember what he said his name was). We happened to sit next to each other for the movie and both of us made snort noises at the cheezy parts. We chatted for a bit after. That was nice. But I had bras and blankets to buy.

I went shopping!!! I bought 3 dresses…2 I will wear for our year end recital (I love being so prepared). I found two bras!! Why is it only very old ladies work the lingerie department? But my favorite thing is my new blanket!!!! It’s soft, it looks like someone made it and it’s ever so warm.

I was thinking about my dad alot today so I ordered his favorite dish from his favorite restaurant. I came home, let the dog out, yelled at him for 45 minutes to leave the cat alone, snuggled up under my new blanket.

I live in one of the most typically beautiful places in the whole world.

I like men’s sweat pants alot better than women’s.

Sometimes bleach smells like dirty ass.

This is the face that is on a pine tree in my back yard. It's not one of those faces you buy. It grew like this. Word.

This is the face that is on a pine tree in my back yard. It’s not one of those faces you buy. It grew like this. Word.

Now In Theaters…

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For my next trick….

My life has been a series of bizarre events. My best friend sometimes calls it a giant shit sandwich. But I like to think of it as the makings of a great movie. I like to watch movies and I always assume that they have a major basis in reality. I have lived The Hangover. I have lived All About Steve. I have lived My Girl, Bridesmaids and yes, even Inception. So, I guess that my life and all the weird stuff that happens is all part of the story line. I’m here to learn and entertain.

A few weeks ago my puppy Leo figured out how to escape his crate and lock the bedroom door. I was simultaneously impressed and pissed because he used his alone time to chew stuff and break shit. He shares a room with my 13 year old daughter. What made me laugh was that he waited till she was in the shower to perform his Houdini magic and then lock her out of the bedroom. Her reaction? Typical 13 year old sister annoyed with her little sibling. “Mom! Leo locked me out of MY room!! And I am dripping wet!!!” Like I was going to do something besides laugh hysterically at the situation. I mean come on, we HAVE to be smarter than the puppy….we HAVE to be. HAVE to.

Fast forward, Leo breaks his foot and now sports the cone of shame. Leo, WITH the broken foot AND the cone of shame escapes his crate and locks himself in the bedroom again!!! We have to be smarter than the puppy. HAVE TO BE. What to do….what to do….twist tie!!! Twist tie the crate closed!!! Brilliant!!! And not my idea…one of my smarter-than-the-puppy friends on facebook. And so, twist tie saves the day. Unless we lose the twist tie in which case we use a scarf…which Leo chews thru and escapes again! See, Leo figures this is all for our amusement. He believes we enjoy his magic. On some level we do. We really are impressed, but we are also annoyed as he keeps showing us up.

One night we come home and Leo is in his crate, which is secured with a belt. Ha HA! But…there is poop on the floor in the kitchen which is downstairs. Now this is really REALLY odd. I assume it must be cat poop. No way Leo escaped, pooped in the kitchen, got back into his crate (which is impossible without our help because of the cone) reattached the belt all within the hour we were gone. Had to be the cat. My daughter, who cleaned up the poop, swore it was dog poop. There is just no way! Her theory is that one of the neighbor dogs came in, pooped and left. But the neighbor dogs don’t have my house key. And why would the neighbor dogs be that vindictive? I thought they liked me. As a side note, I am also missing 5 pairs of underwear and a super cute bra. But I digress.

Last night the kids went on an overnight so it was just me and Leo for the night. I moved his crate into my room, took him out (where he pooped) and we settled in for the night. His crate secured with a twist tie. This morning I got up, took him out (where he pooped), brought him in, fed him breakfast, hung out with him while he ate, put him back in his crate, twist tied it and left for a meeting. And HERE’S the weird part (I know you thought all that other stuff was the weird part) I am missing another bra AND there is dog poop on the livingroom floor!!!!!

Apparently there is a bra stealing, dog pooping burglar in the neighborhood! Hide yo panties! Hide yo leashes! I came upstairs and there is Leo right where I left him, IN his crate, twist tie on my desk…ON MY DESK!!!??? Is it possible that Leo is stealing my bras and panties and pooping on the floor and getting back into his crate while I am out???? What is he doing with my bras and panties????

I call my best friend to tell her the latest. She tells me that I need to turn on my alarm system every time I leave the house. I think this is a good plan because I can’t afford new panties. She sighs and says if someone is breaking into my house I have to be careful and I need to have it on at night also. At this point I think of how funny it is that someone would break into my house to leave dog poop and steal my undergarments. She thinks it’s dangerous. I think it’s hysterical that she thinks it’s scary. I ask if I can borrow some undies until CSI is able to get here and analyze the dog poop. She hangs up on me.

Now my real decision is who is going to play me in the movie….