So, I woke up with my bloody finger all bloody and painful and bloody. Making things difficult is something I enjoy, so, I went to my non-functioning bathroom, grabbed a washcloth and went down to the kitchen sink to brush my teeth and wash my face. Something about brushing my teeth at the kitchen sink makes me feel pukey. Anyway, took the kids to school and by the time I got back the plumbers were here. Ripping out my bathroom floor. Yup. The toilet was in the hallway and the vanity was in the middle of the floor, the only part that was left. Yeah….
So, the plumbers said “Well, this floor is tongue and groove and probably about 100 years old… so…” I said “Not a problem! I saw a cool penny floor on Pintrest I have been really wanting to try… so…” And then I accidentally slammed my bloody chunkless finger in the door and screamed SON OF A NUTCRACKER, kicked the toilet and went into my room where the dog promptly peed on the carpet. Good Morning!
I decided that I had to pee too. But, instead of peeing on my carpet, I drove four houses down to my friend’s house and used their john. From there I went to the doctors. As I was describing to the nurse what happened to my finger, she scrunched up her face and said “I’m NOT touching that!” And went to get another nurse who was older and had obviously been through the Mandolin Wars. She pulled off the bloody wrapping. Ow. Then she tried to pick the Styrofoam stuff the other doctor had smushed into the gapping wound. That was NOT at ALL enjoyable. Not even a little bit. It wasn’t coming off so she made me soak it. Then she picked at it some more. I was sweating and swearing. She couldn’t get it so she re-wrapped it and sent me home. To my bathroomless house.
The kids came home and I had to explain to them that we no longer have a bathroom. No tub, no toilet, no sink. Luckily, we DO have awesome neighbors. So, we got to shower at their house. But first, I used up half a roll of Press and Seal wrapping my finger and taping it down with duct tape. I should have thought that out better. The duct tape sort of stuck to my hair as I was shampooing…so, now I have a bald spot. Put that on the list.
Someone asked me if I was cursed. Maybe…I knew an old lady who thought she was a witch…maybe she put a spell on me. Doesn’t matter to me if she did or didn’t. What goes around comes around…so if she turns up bald with a bloody finger and no bathroom or computer and a hijacked checking account we will know it was her and she will be pretty pissed (because no one besides me could handle this level of nonsense) Besides, this is some really outrageously funny crap if you ask me. Every morning I wake up sort of excited to see what is going to happen today. And it all makes me laugh. When you have lived through real tragic shit, these daily petty irritations just seem like small distracting entertainments. Not the end of the world. A little painful, costing me a small fortune but such is life. It’s not over till it’s over.
Things I have learned so far : 1) if you take a shower using only your left hand it feels like someone else is giving you a shower. 2) rocks will break a garbage disposal so never transplant plants in the kitchen sink 3) tupperware can be used for more than just leftovers