Tag Archives: pregnant

So, THAT’S What Labor Looks Like…

I mean, really, life is never more perfect...

I mean, really, life is never more perfect…

I’m a grandma!!! Or possibly a Nana…although, I might be a Ruby…what I am trying to say is my oldest daughter had a baby on Friday!! And I was her coach!! Now, having had 3 children myself and successfully completing the How To Have A Baby course offered by the hospital, you would think I would have recognized the signs of labor. And before Friday, I would have agreed with you.

I was induced for all 3 of my babies, so MY labor was “hard labor” from the moment they hooked me up to the pitocin. Which is why, when my daughter was writhing in agony on the floor of my bathroom, I was thinking “looks like about 3cm and at least 8 hours and an epidural away from a baby”. I mean, she never SAID she was in labor! This is her first baby, she is my first baby. I just assumed her labor and delivery would be just like mine were…induced, long, painful until the epidural kicked in and then 2 pushes and done! Oh and also, she would be 2 weeks over due. In fact, I said this so much she believed me! So, when she started having cramps and back pain 2 weeks BEFORE her due date, she just assumed it was a bruised tailbone or something.

It is partially her father’s “fault” too. He knows a spot on the leg to push to kick start labor. He massaged this spot on my leg when I was pregnant with our 3rd and she was born a day early. She was over to his house on Wednesday and he showed her the spot…which was quite tender when he pressed it. And about 36 hours later…BABY!

Anyway, Thursday night she kept saying she was so uncomfortable. Lots of cramping and her back hurt. Instead of me saying “Let’s call the doctor” I said “Let’s bring down the barcalounger from upstairs so you can recline a bit” Because, she was due March 2nd. It was February 18th. And the 1968 barcalounger, that was my mother’s, will absolutely help her feel better. Her sister and I banged it down the stairs and set it up for her and she sat there for about an hour and then decided to go to bed because she felt pretty lousy. And Dr. Mom here said “Yeah, my knees hurt so, I’ll probably head up too…” And we went to bed. About 1:30am she came into my room saying her back really hurt and she just felt awful. So, I did some of the massage techniques and she shifted about trying to find a position of relief. There was no relief though, because she was in active, hard labor. But I was still thinking she might just be really feeling being 9 months pregnant. I now understand how women  have babies in public restrooms. Denial runs strong in this family.

We timed her ‘uncomfortableness” and it was about every 5 minutes. That seems like a good time for me to take a shower. WHAT?!?!?! Yeah, because in my mind, there was no way that this baby was coming 2 weeks early after just an hour of hard labor. First time babies take forever! With lots of intervention and a hospital! I packed my bag, took a shower, she laid on the floor of my bedroom and threw up everything she had ever eaten in her entire life. I woke up her sister and told her to go start the car, put the dog in the crate and bring down the bags. My daughter got off the toilet, laid down on the bathroom floor and told me she was not going to move. And THAT was when I finally realized that HOLY SHIT! SHE WAS IN LABOR!! And I kicked it into high gear!

I yelled for her sister, I told my daughter that she IS getting off that floor and she IS going downstairs and getting in the car and we will help her. She said “No” I said “As soon as you get to the hospital they will give you some good drugs to ease this pain. You want to be done with this pain right?” She said “Ok” and her sister and I pulled her up, got her into some clothes, into the car and off we went to the hospital that was 35 minutes away. This was about 3:30am.

I truly thought that as soon as we got her outside and in the car, her “uncomfortableness”  would slow down. Wrong again. I really shouldn’t be allowed to think anymore. We started driving and she literally did an Exorcist move where she was aching backwards over the front seat while her feet almost went through the dashboard. While I was holding her hand and telling her what a great job she was doing and to breathe, I was actually debating if I should just run the stoplights. But naw….she can’t be THAT far along. Because labor doesn’t look like this. Labor looks like being in a hospital bed, hooked up to IVs. She can’t really be in labor, 2 weeks early. Yeah.

We got to the hospital at 4:09am her sister went in to get the wheelchair because there was no way she was walking anywhere at this point. They triage-d her and guess what? You can probably guess, although I was still clueless…she was 10cm and ready to push! Wait…WHAT?!?!?!

They rushed her to the delivery room, and she immediately started pushing. Her water broke there on the table and with me holding one leg, the nurse holding the other and her sister near her head whispering words of encouragement, with 6 pushes she brought my grandson into the world! At 4:54am.

The next day, while baby nursed, we went over exactly how the heck she just delivered her first baby, 2 weeks early with no pain medication, with less than 3 hours of hard labor… amazing. I have never been so amazed by her in my whole life. And I have watched her do some pretty amazing things. Like be born, take her first steps, ride a bike, drive a car…but the way she handled giving birth to her son will always top the list of Amazing Things My Daughter Has Done. Me? I will cross Midwife off my list of possible jobs…


Don’t Believe Everything You Hear


Glowing, wasn't I?

I was about 7 months pregnant with my second child. And I wasn’t one of those cute pregnant ladies. I was swollen and fat and miserable and I threw up from conception. I was sweaty and mean and I probably smelled bad but I didn’t care much for the comfort of others at that point. I heard on TV that Sears was the owner of the new store Home Goods that had opened at the mall. I was very excited because that meant that I could use my Sears card at Home Goods!!! So, I went shopping!!

Cause shopping made me feel better. I pulled on my elastic waist pants with my potato sack shirt and slipped on my loafers, cause I could no longer reach my feet to put on regular shoes. I stuffed myself behind the wheel of my Subaru 5 speed and drove myself to the mall. I shopped at Home Goods until my kankles were about to explode and then I pushed my cart up to the front to check out.

The nice, young girl rung me up to the tune of 175 dollars. But what did I care? Cause it was going on the Sears credit card which was like free, magic money. And I handed her my Sears credit card. She looked at me kind of funny and said “Um, this is a Sears card” I said “Yes, it is.” and she said “This is Home Goods.” I said “Yes, it is” Jeeze, this chick was really new….didn’t she know that Home Goods accepted Sears cards? She said “This is the Home Goods store, not Sears.” the whole time trying to give me back my card, which I would not take back. You see where this is going don’t you?

So, there I am, pregnant, sweating, sick, swollen and bitchy as all get out, and this little wisp of a thing is trying to tell ME that they don’t accept the Sears card because they are not Sears. HA! Now, a normal person would have probably just accepted that they were not IN Sears and therefore the Sears card would not be accepted. Not me, I was not normal on a good day, and on a pregnant day… I accept nothing!!! I told her that they accepted the Sears card. She told me that they didn’t. I told her that she was mistaken, they did. She replied that they didn’t. She asked the cashier next to her. That cashier said “This isn’t Sears, why would we accept the Sears card as payment?” To which I smugly replied that Sears owned Home Goods and therefore, the Sears card was obviously accepted. The two cashiers exchanged looks.

My cashier then ran the card through the machine and it came up card unverified. Again, a normal person might then admit defeat and pay with another card….like a J.C.Penny or a Chappel’s card….Not me!! I say “I would like to speak to your manager please.” The poor girl was dumbfounded and didn’t know what to say to me. So, she called her manager. The manager came over and I calmly explained that my Sears card should work because Sears actually owns the place. The manager knew she was dealing with a pregnant woman about to pop so she very slowly, explained to me that they do not accept credit cards from other stores as payment. Only universal credit cards or checks or cash. I stared at her as if she had lost her mind and she stared back with the exact same look on her face.

I finally said “Fine. Then I will take my business elsewhere.” and I made my dramatic exit, which immediately  became less dramatic as I walked to the front of the store. It was past closing time and I had to wait at the front for the girl to come and raise the gate as I could not bend over enough to get underneath it. I got home and told my family about my horrible treatment at Home Goods and made them all promise to boycott the store (and possibly even picket in front of it).

It was probably six months later when I realized what a nut job I was. I don’t know if I truly heard that Sears owned Home Goods or if I dreamt it in my pregnant brain. Either way, I was so sure of myself and so very, very wrong. I can still see the look on the manager’s face. How many times have I decided to get behind a really bad idea? Countless. I pick the wrong lines at the grocery store consistently, I hear something (or overhear something) and take it in as fact and spit it out as fact and I pay the consequences when I am proven wrong. Good thing I am used to being wrong.

Whatever, looking back, it was funny. And eventually the Home Good store closed at the mall. Karma? Maybe. Or if they had accepted my Sears card they just may have survived on my  200 dollar limit alone….but now they will never know….(insert google eyed crazy face here).