Tag Archives: school

Dear Diary, Good Mom Day

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When I was 17...seriously looks like a scene from a John Huges film

When I was 17…seriously looks like a scene from a John Huges film

Let’s see, today I got up, dropped the kids to school, went for my re-check mammogram. All’s well with the boobage. Then I went shopping for my 10-almost-11 year old’s birthday tomorrow. Of course this sent me into a total flashback of the day she was born, how my water broke (that didn’t happen with the first two), how cold it was (coldest February on record…at least by my record), how ready I felt (because I had done this twice before and I sort of knew what to expect)…

But then, I was distracted by the director of the NIH on The Diane Rehm Show who was singing a song about how we all need to get together and fight disease. Yep. A whole song. And he played guitar too. And at the end of the song, Diane gave a real loud “WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” At which point I cracked up and turned to my left to see the guy next to me also cracking up! He rolled down his window so I rolled down mine and he said “Did you just hear that?!?” And I said “YES!! The best was Diane’s reaction!!!” And he said “WOOOOOOO!!!!” And we laughed, rolled up our windows, and went on our way.

I shopped and came home, took the dog out for a pee and then he and I wrapped all of the presents. I went to get the kids from school, and took them to my dad’s fav restaurant for dinner. I have become addicted to the Pan-seared & oven roasted Beef Tenderloin topped with a gorgonzola-bacon compound butter & port wine reduction. I could eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I could put it in a blender and drink it. It is so good. One of my former students works there and was our server. She was also our babysitter for a few years so it was awesome to see her.  Then we came home and the birthday girl opened all of her presents because I will be at work tomorrow for her actual birthday. She got allota good stuff. A special sweatshirt from her special Papa from Florida was definitely her favorite. 

Then, we made cupcakes for her to take to school tomorrow with her brand new professional Cake Boss cupcake making accessories….they are edible and SHE thinks they look good and that is all that matters. And we had fun doing it. But when I cook, I make a mess. Messes are no fun. They make me cranky.

So then, I took my 15 year old to the presentation about Honors/AP courses for her for next year. This is exciting stuff. This kid is way into school. Always has been. She is the one who would come home from nursery school, sit ME down and show me everything she did at school that day. Every day. My oldest never did that and my youngest would come home and go shut herself in her room for about 20 minutes and then she would come out and be ready to talk. I’m very proud of my 15 year old. She is smart and funny and kind and beautiful. But if you make me sit through a high school presentation about course work, Regents diplomas and credits, I am going to either try to get some laughs or I am going to fall asleep. I hate school. So, I kept leaning over making random comments to my kid and my friend. When one of the counselors was saying that there is a college fit for everyone, that not everyone needs to shoot for Yale I leaned over to my kid and said “She’s drunk. You aim for Harvard. I expect no less” and we laughed and laughed…and the principle gave us a dirty look. Then, the foreign  language teacher gave her spiel and said that there is independent study for families who might speak a foreign language in their home and that is another way to fulfill the credit requirement. I leaned over to my friend and said “So, you can teach the kids how to speak Canadian!!!” Language credit, check!

We came home and frosted more cupcakes. And now I am ready for bed.

I’m on the third book of the Divergent series and I am still totally and completely lost. But absolutely enthralled.

Hotels and hospitals are wicked nasty gross.

Lady Gaga. Attitude included...

Lady Gaga. Attitude included…

 

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Dear Diary It’s Bangs Day!

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Even tho things have my name on them doesn't mean they are mine. That's what the cop said anyway

Even tho things have my name on them doesn’t mean they are mine. That’s what the cop said anyway

Today I woke up, dropped the kids to school, took the dog to doggie day care and went to get my hair did. Well, let’s back up for a second…I dropped the kids, then the dog, came home and took a shower without washing my hair. I have never done that before in my life. It was the single hardest thing I have ever done. I have a system, a sequence, a defined progression of the daily shower event.

I get in, sing my swearing song because the water is always either scalding hot or lukewarm. Scalding hot can be adjusted but since I am already in the shower I have to sing swear while doing my sing swear dance until the cold water kicks in. If it’s lukewarm , I sing swear because it’s only going to get colder and that sucks worse than anything in the whole wide world. After the water is under control, I wash my hair and condition, do the body, shave the important parts and then rinse the conditioner. Hop out, whip my head forward so I can dry off without it dripping down my back, then wrap my hair in the towel like a turban. Then I put in my contacts,open the door, look both ways and dash naked into my bedroom while saying a prayer that my curtains are closed. Every day is a crap shoot whether or not the neighbors are going to get an eye full.

Today, I wasn’t going to wash my hair because I was headed to the hairdresser. So, duh. I put my hair in a high messy bun, hop in the shower, do my sing swear dance and then stand there because I am truly lost. I have no idea how to shower now that I have taken my hair out of the equation. 41 years old and I didn’t know what to do. It was like my limbs didn’t know how to not grab the shampoo. It took a solid minute for me to think. Minus the hair washing would mean… I would move right on to washing and shaving! The second part of not washing your hair when you take a shower is to not get your hair wet. Because wet, dirty, hair is gross and smelly and nasty. You have no idea how difficult this was for me. But I persevered and I felt like I was one off all day long.

I got to the salon really excited because I’m a girl who likes to do girly stuff that makes me feel pretty. And I was looking really rough and very confused. I’m serious, the shower thing messed me the hell up. I have been contemplating my forehead alot lately. It’s big on a good day and on a bad day I am pretty sure I should be selling ad space on it. I told my most wonderfully talented hair guru that I needed to do something to make the forehead issue go away. BANGS! Swoopy bangs!!!! I have had bangs on and off all of my life but I haven’t really gone for it since I have been 40…

I walked out 2 hours later, with my bangs swoopin feeling like a million dollars (if  million dollars had BANGS). I had the best parking space literally right in front of the door and I did not get a parking ticket! This is turning into one helluva day!!! I went to pick up the dog from doggie day care. He LOVED my bangs! I picked my children up from school, they LOVED my bangs. I went to work, the kids LOVED my bangs.

I love Tell Me More as much as I HATE Here and Now (NPR. Don’t be lazy… Google it.)

I am cheating on David Letterman with Jimmy Kimmel but I really want to be with Jimmy Fallon. If you can’t be with the Jimmy you want honey, love the Jimmy you got.

And I wonder why I turned out the way I did. Hobos and Hookers roaming the house....

And I wonder why I turned out the way I did. Hobos and Hookers roaming the house….

Dear Diary…Day Two

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This is Eddie. He is contemplating why anyone would willing get out of bed...ever.

This is Eddie. He is contemplating why anyone would willing get out of bed…ever.

Well, look at me!!! Here it is day TWO and I am writing again! I am mildly impressed with myself. Mostly because I know me and I was really unsure that this was going to be happening!

Ok, today the kids went back to school after ALMOST two whole weeks off. Almost two whole weeks but two days short (because school is dumb). Last night the weather was getting a bit snotty. The weathermen were doing their predicting and we were sleeping with our PJs inside out, had our undies in the freezer and  we went outside, spun 3 times while singing the alphabet backwards. Ok, we didn’t do any of that. But, maybe if we had, they would have had a snow day today. They didn’t.But the school district I work in did and so did the school district where I grew up. Both of THOSE districts NEVER close. But they did today!!! Unfortunately, no one told my neighbor who works in the high school I went to as a kid and he drove himself all the way to work…on a SNOW DAY! Poor guy.

Up at the asscrack of dawn to get these kids awake and functioning. Off to school they go.

I almost died twice getting them to school. And some dink of a teenager also came close to death, although I am sure he doesn’t even know it because he had his hoodie up and just kept walking while I slid within inches of his Timberlands. Teenagers are sort of dumb. I say that because I was a teenager and I was plenty dumb. I guess I am just shocked they haven’t gotten any smarter in the years since.

Went to the bagel shop with my dog. Went in and the little old lady who is there every other day was there and said the same thing she says every time “Oh!!! Your little doggie loves you so!!!” and my standard reply “He’s a good boy”. My life, as you will soon recognise, is like Groundhogs Day. And I’m ok with that. Went to Starbucks for my iced green tea. I wish I could drink hot liquids as it was a chilly 10 degrees this morning but, I can’t. I walked in, no line, didn’t have to speak and my order was ready. Got back in the car with my dog and drove 20 mph home. The roads were nasty.

Cleaned the kid’s rooms, did the laundry, smashed my head on the cellar door so hard I saw stars…ya know, just for something fun to do.

Went to the bank. The teller was my old friend, she gave the dog a bisquet. Went to the next bank. The teller was not my old friend. Dog did not get a bisquet. He was very confused. Came home. Sat down for about a half an hour. Went to get the kids from school.

Collected the children. Went to the laundromat to dry all of the wet clothes as we do not, as of yet, have a dryer hooked up…I say “as of yet” because it makes it sound like we will have one hooked up shortly. We won’t, but it sounds like we will.

Made the kids run into the grocery as I hadn’t showered yet. I sat in the car and texted them what we needed for dinner. After about the 4th text, my 15 year old asked if we could just get McDonald’s. As tempting as that sounded I said no. I got alot of ugly stares as I was parked in the fire lane. Oh well, to bad so sad. I got here first. And I know a fireman so I am pretty sure it’s ok.

They came out. We went home.

I started dinner. My 10 year old took the dog out for a pee and switched the dishes (from the dishwasher to the cupboards, from the sink to the dishwasher) My 15 year old shoveled out the end of the driveway where the village plows had plowed us in. She did it with a smile on her face. A fifteen year old smile. Have you seen that sort of smile? It looks exactly like an adult’s I-Hate-My-Life-And-Wish-Everyone-Would-Drop-Dead smile but in a 15 year old way.

The 15 year old and I went to gather the dry laundry at the laundromat and bring it up to my room where I sorted it into our rooms and put away my 10 year old’s. I left the 15 year old’s in the basket in her room. So that she can throw it all over her floor and mix it up with some damp towels and dog hair so they all smell funny. I guess that is the new fad?

We ate dinner. Stuffed pork chops, green beans and garlic mashed potatoes. All the 10 year old ate was the green beans, all I ate was the stuffing and the 15 year old finished off the potatoes. I don’t know why I even bother.

It’s dropping to below zero tonight. The governor has declared a state of emergency or something and is shutting down all the highways as of midnight. I guess this is a bad storm. I didn’t have to go to work tonight because the weather is so bad. I love a snow day! I told the kids they will more than likely not have school tomorrow. The 10 year old did a happy dance. The 15 year old gave me her “smile”.

Nothing else planned for tonight except giving each other mani pedi’s and yelling at the dog to leave the cat alone.

I know all the words to the Humpty Dance.

The Uncle from Fresh Prince of Bel Air died.

Maybe I will see you tomorrow!!!!

The 14 year old smile(before she was 15. Now she has it mastered)...and the 10 year old's creepy smile...

The 14 year old smile(before she was 15. Now she has it mastered)…and the 10 year old’s creepy smile…

 

 

Starts with F, Rhymes with Duck…

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Well, what would YOU say?

I love swearing. I love it. I love to say out loud all the dirty, inappropriate, socially frowned upon words. I swear even when I don’t have to. I don’t drink, smoke or do drugs (anymore) so the only thing I do that is kind of bad ass is swear. I know exactly when I started too. It was third grade. We were all gathered around to watch Mount St. Mullens (the volcano that our teacher Mrs. Mullen had made) explode. As the homemade lava came slowly gurgling up the kid next to me said “F-word!” And I had never heard that word before, but the feeling that came over me just hearing it was incredible. I couldn’t wait to use this word!! Ofcourse, I had no idea how to use it in the context of a sentence. And I knew that it wasn’t a word that I could ask a grown up about, and asking the kid who had turned me on to it may well have earned me years of ridicule. I was on my own with this one.

In my home growing up, there was no swearing allowed. It was the same in all of my friends houses also. Crap was considered a swear word back then.When you went to a kid’s house and their parent or older sibling said “crap” you knew you were in a tough house, a house where real life was happening, gritty and all.  But in my house, I wasn’t allowed to say “rats” or “jeeze” or “shoot”. I kid you not. “Shoot” could be used only in the case of severe crisis like dropping food on the floor or breaking a very expensive item or major car accident. Even “darn” was frowned upon. It was like the sky opened up and lightning struck me the first time I hard my mother say “SHIT!” as she opened the oven door (where she stored all of her Tupperware) and realized that I had turned on the lower oven rather than the upper oven and all of the plastic had warped, some of it dripping onto the bottom of the oven. I was pretty sure she was going to drop dead and I was going to go deaf. I had never heard such language in my life, but I knew it was really, really bad. What happens when someone says something as bad as “shit”? Nothing. Well, except me getting in trouble for melting her entire collection of Tupperware. Lesson learned. Do not keep plastics in the oven. Shit was right!

My parents best friend “Aunt” Rose was a typical Irish Catholic who’s favorite expression was “Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!” I tired that once when the cat scratched me and was quickly reminded that we are Lutheran, not Irish Catholic so it wasn’t going to fly. My dad was really an Episcopalian by nature but my mother had converted him and he became Lutheran in name only.I mean, he was a sunday school teacher, and hosted the men’s groups and was best buddies with our pastor, but when the cat walked through the paint tray as he was painting the trim in the funeral home he let out with “JUDAS PRIEST!!” I figured that would be most appropriate to shout when I spilled an entire jar of glue in sunday school….not so much.

But really the F-word was my gateway, it was the word that gave me power, it gave me comfort. It gave me the ability to shock. I was powerful when I used this word. And it was the worst word in the swearing dictionary(or so I thought at the time). Like I said I had no idea how to use it so I just walked around randomly saying “F-word”. My friends told me I wasn’t allowed to use that word. It was a SWEAR word and we all knew that we kids are not allowed to swear. Especially THAT word. On the playground I would get the “OOooooooo” when I would let it fly. I loved the way it sounded, I loved the reaction it got, I loved the way I felt when I said it. I have heard alcoholics talk abut the feeling they got the first time they took a drink. Like suddenly all was right with the world and they finally belonged and they had found the missing piece. That is exactly how I felt the first time I said “F-word”. Like I had found the thing that completed me.

Funny thing was, in elementary school, on the Iowa Test, I always scored the highest on the vocabulary part. In 5th grade I had the vocabulary of a college senior. And that was minus the swear words I had acquired by that point. And yeah, there were always a few kids who would make fun of my large vocabulary. Maybe that is why I loved to swear. I could use big words in sentences which didn’t impress the other 9 year olds. But watch their eyes grow wide when I dared to say “F-word!” Still, not in any context, just the word. Like showing off a dirty picture or a tampon. Shock and awe. I dared to say what they wouldn’t. OOOooooo is right F-worders!!!!

I am all grown up now (well, kinda) and I still enjoy the F-word. I am a mother and I live in polite society so I cannot use the F-word very often. I sill love to say it when talking with close friends, when I can be myself unrestrained. And it is really great when my friends use it too. Like we are sharing a dirty little secret. Because if our parents knew, or our children knew, or God forbid our neighbors knew that we use the F-word in daily conversations about grocery shopping, hair cuts and vacuuming they would probably kick us out of life.

I am not campaigning here for legalization of the F-word. It is a dirty word. It is not fit for children to say outloud, or grandparents. I don’t want to hear it being uttered on Hannah Montana. I like it’s semi-underground usage. I like that it is a dark, shady word. Makes it all the better to say. Cool people swear. Really cool people say the F-word. I was sitting with a woman who is 75 years old as she was telling the story of her life thus far and she dropped the F-bomb right at the end. I think I watched everyone else’s jaws drop and a few people actually physically cringed. Me? I stood up and yelled “Hell YEAH!!!!” And did a little dance. She is my favorite person in that group.

It is the best when the person you KNOW would never ever say the F-word does. That is like watching someone be human. It is earthy and sharp and it gets a person’s attention like nothing else. You know it does. I don’t think swearing is for everyone. Some people do not enjoy it. Just like many people do not enjoy drinking, or reading science fiction or keeping pets. It is an individual choice, thank God. My kids do not swear at all. Even when I hear them chatting with their friends (oblivious to me standing on the other side of the closed door with a glass to my ear, a technique I learned from my friend’s older sister who also taught me the “Walkin Down Canal St.” song…) they say things like “Oh dear.” and “How funny!” I guess it skips a generation.

I have tried to give up this habit of mine. I tried when the kids were little. I tried to insulate them from my potty mouth. But the older they got, the more things happened that just called for a “F-word!!” I have justified my swearing to myself by understanding it is part of who I am. I understand how to use the F-word now. I like to replace everyday words with the F-word just to make myself laugh. It is a bad habit, but not nearly as bad as some of the habits I have dropped over the years. I may still outgrow this. But in the meantime, I will enjoy the fuck out of it!!!