Tag Archives: shoes

Dear Diary, Test Driving Shoes

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I still haven't gotten the hang of Selfies...

I still haven’t gotten the hang of Selfies…

Today the kids had a half day AND the new Divergent movie opened!! So,my bff, the kids and I went to see it! I was so excited I bought all of us tee shirts with different things from the movie on them. Pretty sure it was just me and the 11 year old who thought this was a brilliant idea. But, everyone was a good sport (this is the same bff who wore the tiara I made out of sparkly pipe cleaners at her work for her birthday…she is the epitome of good sport). Loved the movie. I read the book like two and a half times and I really don’t remember it so it was sort of like watching something that was familiar and yet surprisingly new! This memory loss is really not so bad when it comes to things like remembering who I hate, or the plot lines in a book. It sucks when it comes to remembering sentence structure and whether or not I have my glasses on (I constantly poke myself in between my eyes when I am wearing my contacts because I forget that I don’t have my glasses on…or maybe I am wearing invisible glasses…that are made out of thin air…I can’t remember).

Today I decided to wear the shoes I am thinking of wearing on our annual trip to NYC. We have been taking this day trip to NYC for the past 8 years and every year I go for cute rather than comfy. And I wind up in severe pain after the first hour. By the end of the day my feet are usually swollen and bloody. It’s not pretty. But I have these cute little boots I wanted to try…so I put those on, to see if I could stand it (get it? “stand it” cause it has to do with my feet…and walking and standing??? Cripes Sake it’s the best I got tonight guys…lighten up!!!) I feel like I have been walking around NYC all day in mean but cute shoes. I’m curious to find out if this is the year I give up and wear sneakers and a fanny pack or if I forget that my feet hurt and just wear some super sassy little boots…it’s like every day is a surprise!!!

My microwave died so now I have to be all Little House on the Prairie to heat up my foot bag. I mean Little House if ┬áLaura Ingalls had ziplock baggies and an electric stove…wouldn’t that have blown Nelly Olsen’s spoiled bratty mind!!!

I am trying to think of my rolaids as my midnight snack…

3 out of the 4 tee shirts...I can't show you where we put our temporary tattoos...

3 out of the 4 tee shirts…I can’t show you where we put our temporary tattoos…

Dear Diary, Day of Maniac Mass Murderer

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Edward Fork Fingers might protect me from maniac mass murderers. Of he might just hold my cell phone while I sleep, which is also helpful...

Edward Fork Fingers might protect me from maniac mass murderers. Of he might just hold my cell phone while I sleep, which is also helpful…

Ya know how you run down the stairs, holding your boobs so they don’t hit you in the eye (or in my case get stepped on) and then you skate through the livingroom into the kitchen to check to see if your footbag is done heating up? And while you are skating, you are still holding your boobs because you’re a girl and that is what you do. But then, you feel eyes on you and you slowly turn towards the back door, still holding your boobs because you can and there stands some man looking at you through the door? Ya know how that happens????? So, you back up into the stove, still holding your boobs and trying to think of what to do…what to do…

When I was a little kid I always had a plan on what to do if a maniac mass murderer broke in and tried to kill me. What I would do would be to grab as many of my cats as I could and just throw them at the maniac mass murderer. I had already explained and apologized to the cats. They were ok with it. After all, he wasn’t after them, he was after me…except my stalker…he wanted my cats in the worst way.

Anyway, there were no cats in the vicinity. I figured I was just going to die. And you know what flashed through my mind? That I wasted all that time and money on junk food and cheese which I thought was going to kill me slowly. Damn it all if I had known I was going to go at the hands of some maniac mass murderer I would have eaten healthier.

And then, he knocked. The maniac mass murderer knocked!!!! So civilized. So, I let go of my boobs and slowly went to the door…to find a guy who I had dated a while ago, standing there, sort of swaying. Still, with the caliber of men I date, he could most definitely be here to kill me. I asked him what he wanted, he said he wanted his shoes back. I explained I had given them away 6 months ago. He seemed very sad about that. He asked to come in. I said no. And he shrugged and left.

I watched him get in his car and drive out of the driveway from my kitchen window. Then I skated into the livingroom, holding my boobs again, to watch him drive down the road. THAT was a close call!!!!!!!

I skating everywhere because I have hardwoods and I have my jogging pants pulled down over my feet like Gumby…so, I can skate. I’ve been doing it all my life. I am ready for the 2015 In House Winter Olympics.

So, after all that excitement, I got my footbag and came upstairs and told my cat that she is safe… for now…

Heartburn is keeping me warm tonight.

I despise hanging up my clothes in my closet.

Don't let her snuggly little face fool you. If I launched her AT you, she would kill you before you could say meow mix.

Don’t let her snuggly little face fool you. If I launched her AT you, she would kill you before you could say meow mix.