Tag Archives: silly

Dear Diary, It’s A Vlog!

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It’s pretty self explanatory. I love crafting, Martha Stewart and all things sparkly. I am just really, really bad at it. I grew up in the 80’s which was the crafting decade. We latch hooked and cross stitched and barrette braided and friendship pinned and shrinky dinked our childhoods away. Some of us were better at it than others. I am one of the others but I have never accepted defeat. In the land before Joann Fabrics and Michaels and A.C.Moore, crafting was a real treat. Now it has become a way to make a living for many…or in my case, a way to keep myself entertained. Enjoy my incompetence!!!!

 

Dear Diary, What A Day

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It was Boob Squish Day. That was all good until they found something and wanted to do the Elevator Door Squish and the Magnified Squish. Holy SMACK that was actually painful! Regular mammogram squish isn’t too bad…the mammo-lady told me a few years ago that I was very lucky to have such thin breasts…Not that I put that on my dating profile or anything but I’m secretly proud of my thin breasts…I nursed 3 babies exclusively for a total of 54 months and The Girls still look good when I fold them up and stuff them in an underwire (only on special occasions). So, yeah, they found something. They tell you that and then send you back out to wait in the waiting room.

I was pretty surprised because I have been having pain in the left one, but they saw something in the right one…I was sort of hoping it was money. Guess not. So they say I have to have a sonogram. They put me in the sono room and the tech and I chat about my finger and how mandolins should be outlawed. Then I said “Is it a boy or girl?” and she sort of looked at me funny. Sonograms are not nearly as fun when there is no baby…

She left to go check with the doctor. She came back and said it’s nothing really. So I hugged her and thanked her and well…that was awkward….Another lady in the waiting room was being all pissy because she had been waiting so long. She was throwing a bit of attitude. So, as I was leaving the mammo-lady made it a point to say “and thank you so much for your patience!!!” *sigh* the pissy lady was probably just scared. Sometimes I cry when I get scared. Sometimes I hug random sono techs. We all deal with fear differently.

From there I went to a whole other county to get my missing chunk finger looked. I can’t look at it so someone else has to look at it. Just to make sure it is still there and all. Yup. Still there! Still hurts!

But the best part of today, besides having my boobs squish session turn out ok and having my missing chunk finger looker atter say that my missing chunk finger is healing nicely, was having my shower finally fixed! Yea!!! We are back to being normal bathroom people! We no longer have to pack up our stuff and walk four houses down to our friend’s house to pee or shower! So, today was a good day. I could get all deep and say really wise and prophetic things about life and death and grief and fear…instead I will show you pictures of my adventures…

Boob Squish Day Selfie! All the kids are doin it!!! Check out my missing chunk finger bandage and my fake Chucks from Hills circa 1994....

Boob Squish Day Selfie! All the kids are doin it!!! Check out my missing chunk finger bandage and my fake Chucks from Hills circa 1994….

That's my boob. No money in there and no babies....not very fun if you ask me...

That’s my boob. No money in there and no babies….not very fun if you ask me…

Um, if they have xray glasses, why do we need to have our boobs squished? Just put on the glasses and check...duh.

Um, if they have xray glasses, why do we need to have our boobs squished? Just put on the glasses and check…duh.

Pretty sure that is an atari...maybe I want to be a sonogram tech when I grow up...they get xray glasses and atari???

Pretty sure that is an atari…maybe I want to be a sonogram tech when I grow up…they get xray glasses and atari???

That is my missing chunk finger without the bandage. Don't tell me what it looks like...I don't want to know. Just the thought of it grosses me out. But I thought YOU guys might like to see...

That is my missing chunk finger without the bandage. Don’t tell me what it looks like…I don’t want to know. Just the thought of it grosses me out. But I thought YOU guys might like to see…

Dear Diary, It’s Been Awhile…

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My mom was in a biker gang when she was young. She is still pretty bad ass.

My mom was in a biker gang when she was young. She is still pretty bad ass.

So…how’s it going? Me? Not much is new here. We had Easter. That was nice. I like Easter. I used to dress up the kids in identical dresses every year which was challenging as they are 4 years apart. When my oldest was 11, she started rolling her eyes when I would come home with the matching dresses. My dad actually put his arm around her shoulder on the last Easter he was alive and said “Really, I think it’s time you stopped forcing them to dress alike…they aren’t triplets, they aren’t going to be triplets. Just because they are sisters doesn’t mean they need to match on major holidays.”  And then he died. Well, not right at that moment…that would have been REALLY traumatic and maybe if that had happened I would have taken his words to heart. Instead, I continue to find matching outfits. But not matching exactly. For Christmas, we all wore knit dresses in solid colors. For Easter, we all wore dresses with crochet overlay…yes, I said WE…I have included myself in the dress alike nonsense since I have become single. Judge not lest ye be judged…

We saw some movies. We cleaned the basement. We are painting my youngest kid’s bedroom. It is spring break here.

That’s all.

TTYL.

This is what we do while waiting for church to start...reverence..we got it.

This is what we do while waiting for church to start…reverence..we got it.

Dear Diary… Day One

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One of my fav Christmas ornament that hung on my dad's tree. It's really cool...and small.

One of my fav Christmas ornament that hung on my dad’s tree. It’s really cool…and small.

When I was 19 I kept a diary for a whole year. That impresses me to no end. I am not very good on the follow through. I am a great starter and then I try to hand off the project onto someone else. But no one wanted to take over writing my diary for me. So,the year I was 19, I made a commitment to myself to write every single night even if it was just a list of what I did that day. And I DID it!!!! I remember some days having to go back and fill in the previous day but so what! I wrote every single day!!! Sort of…

I found this diary a few years ago and it was boring. I mean, most of it was “went here with soandso, then went there with whatshisface then came home”. The only thing I found really intriguing was that I ended every single entry with my desire to stop a bad habit that I had acquired. I guess I didn’t realize how much I hated doing what I was doing but there must have been some part of me that didn’t want to be doing it.

So,today I decided to write every day. And share it. Just daily stuff. Just for kicks…my kicks. You have to find your own kicks. Here goes :

Today, I woke up with my 10 year old snuggled in bed with me and our cat Eddie purring like a machine on top of my head. The sun was shining in my eyes and my head and neck hurt. I got up, took Tylenol and went back to bed because I know for a fact that my 10 year old is not going to want to snuggle forever and because it was cold in my house.

Got up, woke up the 15 year old. Told her to walk the dog who has been in his crate for 10 hours and put my bra on to go to the bagel shop. Went to the bagel shop, came home, showered. Had a kaniption fit because NPR was rehashing the Baby Veronica story and adoption is a subject close to my heart. Dropped the 15 year old off to her babysitting gig. Took the 10 year old to go see The Hunger Games- Catching Fire for the second time.

The movie was as good as it was the first time we saw it last month. The audience was PACKED. Sold out. The lady behind me kicked my seat over 43 times in the 2 hours we were there. That’s the one thing that can make me go postal instantly…anyone kicking the back of my seat. At the movies, in the car, at a restaurant…like bizzerko. About the 20th time I raised both of my arms in the air and sighed with loud exasperation. The 40th time I sort of scream/shouted “ARE YOU REALLY?” I then came up with a kick ass idea to have business cards printed up saying “I am not crazy. If I start acting crazy it is because YOU are doing something so insanely rude/annoying/inhumane that my only option is to act crazy. Just a friendly FYI if you can’t be in society then you should not be in society.” or something to that effect so that the idiots will know that I am not just a lunatic and my behavior is a direct result of them being an asshole.

Took the kid to Applebees because we had a gift certificate and had dinner. She got wings. They were awful. We  found out how to play the gambling game at the table but didn’t play it.

As we were leaving, my 19 year old came in with her bff. That was fun! Gave her a hug on our way out. Stopped at Taco Bell to get the kid a soft taco so she didn’t starve to death and came home.

She took the dog out for a pee and they came in and snuggled on the couch whilst I debated about actually starting this Write Every Day Even If It Is Nonsense thing.

So, here we are, in the year 2014. I might continue this, I might not. From what I have heard, watching Sesame Street as a child gave me a short attention span.

NYC has a new mayor.

I love my dog.

My favorite candy since I was 15 years old. Prior to that I was scared to try it

My favorite candy since I was 15 years old. Prior to that I was scared to try it

Our New Cousin Bonnie

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She has a pretty smile

So, everyone thinks I am a nut. I took in a friend’s dog for an indefinite amount of time. Might be a few months, could be 3 years…Not really sure. My friend is a single mom of 3 young kids, just moved herself, her kids, her 3 dogs, 2 cats and couple of bunnies from one state (where she had just finished her Masters in some sort of scientific smarty pants degree) to another state to go to law school (of course). And she is only in her late 20’s. She came to my hometown to visit with her 3 kids and her 3 dogs. She had asked if I would be willing to keep one of her dogs for an extended stay. I agreed and here is why.

Firstly, I think she is an incredible woman. I am so impressed with her and what she is doing I was honored to be able to help her out. Secondly, when I was her age, my life was chaos and all I really needed was someone to take just one thing off my hands for just a little while so that I could focus and regroup myself and my family. I didn’t have that. In fact, whenever I asked, it seems that I would have more crap piled onto my plate by whom ever I asked to help. I know the feeling of overwhelm and I know the feeling of just needing someone to lend a hand and I know the feeling of NOT getting that hand.

So, when she asked I said yes! Yes I will take your sweetie dog Bonnie. I think I was supposed to take her other dog but she was not as friendly with strangers and I have other people’s kids in and out of the house so I didn’t want a nervous dog to scare the kids. So, Bonnie came to stay.

My friends think I am nuts. My mom thinks I am nuts. I am probably nuts but in a good way. I think it’s funny that my mom thinks I am nuts as she did the same thing with cats when I was growing up. Wonder where I get it from…Anyway, Bonnie is a good girl. She is a tiny jack russle mix. I would guess she has some corgi in her? She’s a mutt. A snuggly little white mutt with freckles and brown eyes. My youngest is in love with her because she is not a spaz like Leo. She has manners and she likes to cuddle. And so Bonnie has moved in with my littlest girl. Leo was very excited to have Bonnie as a new friend. Very excited. VERY excited. EXCITED!!!!

Leo sniffed and barked and wagged. Bonnie cowered behind me. Leo sang a song, did his amazing flips from couch to couch to chair, and chewed on the coffee table all in an effort to impress Bonnie. Bonnie tried to crawl into my arm pit. Leo finally settled down on the chair and just contemplated his new “cousin” who was molded around my middle sound asleep. He didn’t get her. He wanted to play! He wanted to jump around and make me yell at him (he loves when I yell at him and clap my hands and stamp my feet…he thinks it’s funny). But Bonnie wanted nothing to do with Leo and his bad behaviors. Leo cocked his head and was confused. He also did not get the snuggling. He will snuggle if he is tired and it is almost bedtime anyway. But at any other time of the day he is GO GO GO!!!! No snuggling for Mr. Independent. He has stuff to chew, places to pee and a mom to piss off. No time for that snuggling crap.

Places to go…Things to see….Butts to sniff!!!! ONWARD!!!

Now, with the addition of Bonnie Love I have come to an awareness about myself and my choices in dogs. When I had Emma and Spencer, EVERYONE loved Emma because she was a good submissive girl who ONLY wanted to be petted and snuggled. Everyone loved Spencer because he was soooo good lookin and very funny. Emma was an attention hound. Spencer loved to get his belly rubbed but really, he could take it or leave it. I mean, if the garbage can was still upright, or the front door was open, or the toilet seat was up, well then, he had a job to do. Loving could wait. And as much as I hated the garbage knocked over or running around the neighborhood like an idiot yelling for Spence, I also very much LOVED his personality. His independent spirit, his ability to just be himself despite me. I enjoyed Spence. I loved Emma because she was sweet and there was no doubt that she loved us completely. Spencer, I was never quite sure that he loved us. He knew we loved him, I know he cared about us…but he wasn’t co dependent. He had things to do ya know.

I see the same thing now with Leo and Bonnie. Bonnie wants love. She wants to be with us and physically close to us. Leo wants to be with us but mainly because he wants us to play with him, take him for a ride or walk, yell at him or chase him. Sure, he wants love….when he wants it. Not when he doesn’t want it. Bonnie wants love 24/7 and even when she isn’t in the mood, she is. She is never not in the mood! I am falling in love with Bonnie but really who wouldn’t? That’s a no brainer. A good dog who gives love. Isn’t that the ideal? But I am realizing how much I love Leo and his naughty spazy self. I love his character, I love his personality and I love his independence. More than I did when I didn’t have a good dog to compare him to.

could care less about a butt sniffing session….there’s a nice leg to curl up with…oooohhhh and flannel sheets!!!!

The addition of Bonnie is making both of them shine.

Now, upon further thought, I realize that what I like in a canine is also what I tend to like in a guy. An attractive guy who is lots of fun, independent, kind of a spaz and takes it in stride when I get annoyed with his antics. But loving, loyal and smart. And fixed. Just kidding…kind of…

I See Famous People

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Kenny G...he's alot shorter in person....

I am not a star chaser. I don’t watch tabloid TV or read the magazines at the check out.I do not get celebrity crushes. I mean, I will if I have to. If I am pressured by friends to pick a celeb I LOVE I can. But it isn’t going to be your average Brad or Leo. But that doesn’t mean I don’t LOVE to play 6 Degrees….ya know, where you know someone who knows someone who knows someone famous. I LOVE doing that. I also LOVE to spot “celebrities” on the street.

ESPECIALLY when I visit New York City. That is my favorite all time game. I find people who could pass for celebrities and I get all excited and tell who ever is with me “LOOK!!! There’s Richard Dreyfuss!!!” or “Aretha Franklin on your left!!!” or “Captain Hook coming through!!!!”. When I first started doing this I was with a group of my students who I had convinced that we were sitting next to Leonardo DiCaprio in costume for his next big role as a homeless guy. As we exited the subway I turned around and yelled to my kids “It’s the guy from American Idol!!!” “WHERE” they yelled excitedly….”OVER THERE NEXT TO TINA TURNER!!!!” “WHO’S TINA TURNER????” they yelled back which about killed me!! I HAD to think of some new references if I was going to be traveling with these young kids…

That trip with my students I spotted Johnny Depp, L.L. Cool J (who I do seem to spot alot when I am in NY), Eminem, Harry Belafonte and Geena Davis. Now, did I really see these stars or did I just see people who kind of resembled these stars I will never know. I never approach famous people. I don’t want their autograph, I don’t really care at all to break the illusion that these famous people are more than human. They live on the movie screen or tv and so I will keep them at arms length. I don’t want to know that they smell funny, have blisters or runny noses. I like my celebrities pristine and at a distance. That is why I don’t read or watch their life story on A&E. None of my business. But if they are going to put themselves on the same street as me I am going to make sure who ever is with me knows.

My students eventually caught on to my silly game. And they started pointing out celebrities. That was funny!! They were pointing out characters from movies like “There’s Forrest Gump!!” or “There’s Leighton Meester!!!” I had no idea who that was… some girl who likes gossiping or something…but the kids seemed excited.

But the following summer, I was in the city with my BFF. We were lost in Brooklyn after me playing my “I see famous people” game all day and her not playing along. We were having a good time being lost at almost midnight looking for a club where a friend was having a record release party, when all of the sudden, these two incredibly handsome guys on bikes were in our path. We decided to ask these beautiful men if they know where this club is. And as we approach, I realize that one of the men is Murrary Bartlett who played Cyrus Foley on my soap Guiding Light!!!! I grab my BFF and whisper “he’s on my soap!!!” Ofcourse she doesn’t believe me. And these guys were so incredibly attractive that she couldn’t even look directly at them. Me, I was flirting shamelessly with Cyrus, I mean Murrary. They gave us better directions and we went on our way. But I did turn around and look him deep in the eye (as the music swelled and the camera came in for a tight shot) and said “I LOVED you on the show….” To which he replied “Aw, thanks!!!” and I turned back around and ran right into a street lamp. I walked it off though, it was all ok.

I didn’t take a picture with him or get his autograph because I am not one of THOSE people. My BFF did NOT believe me because all the way from the Bronx to Brooklyn I had seen every single star I could think of to name (and a few I couldn’t…I would just point and say “FAMOUS PERSON!!!!”) She refused to believe me. And after we got home and I googled him and showed her…she still didn’t believe me because she never looked at them because she was terrified if she did she would be overcome with carnal desire and embarrass herself. HOW FRUSTRATING!!! I finally have a meaningful conversation with an actual famous person (shut up…soap operas totally count) and no one was going to believe me!!!

I told my students and they were less than impressed. Sometimes it is so hard to be me.

I just went to the city with my other BFF and my 16 year old and her BFF. We all played the game together. I saw Mia Farrow and Janet Jackson and Soupy Sails and Bruce Willis. It was AWESOME!!!!! Kenny G played Happy Birthday for my 16 year old and Enrique Iglesias was our waiter (he was kind of an ass though, but nice eye candy) I kept referring to him as Ricky Martin.

There is no reason why NY can’t be filled with famous people. There is no reason why I can’t point them out. You should too. It makes waiting in line for hours to get lunch or tickets or a subway much more tolerable. They are there, just waiting for you to spot them. Just don’t get all weird about it. Point and whisper, do NOT approach and ruin the illusion. And if one of the celebrities gives you directions when you are lost, watch out for lamp posts.

Doctor, when I go like ‘this’ it hurts…

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I could keep him busy for years....

I just got insurance!!! I seriously never believed that I would actually be excited about getting health insurance! But I am!I have been uninsured for years now. And of course, as I was uninsured, but such a lover of pop culture, I had to be obvious and contract swine flu at the height of the outbreak, which turned into a severe case of double pneumonia. Because I am nothing if not relevent and I always am in step with what is happening in the world. Swine flu? Yup, had it. Double pneumonia resulting from swine flu in the middle of July? I’m so hip I took it to the extreme.

That racked me up a 14,000.00 hospital bill. That is the price I pay for being on the cutting edge of current events. Anyway, living without health insurance can make a person sick. I finally found a way to buy really crappy health insurance. Yea me! And I took myself right to the doctor who looked after me when I was released from my week long hospital stay last summer. He is a nice enough guy. But, his patients average age is 84. I am 37. I imagine myself to be a breath of fresh air in his day of diagnosing high blood pressure, incontinence and bunions. I come in with simpler complaints.

Hello doctor! Today, I have a lump on my neck. He checks it out and says he believes it is just an over extended muscle. Ok, I say. How about my exhaustion, my dizziness and my plugged ear? He looked in my ear, checked my thyroid levels and told me to stop riding the carosel at the mall. Damn it. There is no stumping this guy! I KNOW!! This mole on my face! Sometimes it burns for no reason!! Ha HA! He checks it out and says “hhmmmm” I know I’ve got him now! He says “yes, well, that does look very suspicious” at which point I start singing “suspicious mole..you’re teasing me” like that song Promiscuous Girl by Nelly Furtado. Yeah, he didn’t get it either. He said “very suspicious indeed. I will make an appointment with the dermatologist for this.” So I said “If it’s that suspicious then why not just arrest it right now?” He was not amused. He just looked at me with his doctor stare and said “any other complaints?” I said “well, I am fat. And it seems to be a vicious cycle. I excercise, become exhausted and literally fall asleep and am wiped out for at least a week. So, because I am exhausted, I can’t excercise. Whatcha got for that aliment?” He smirked with that little confession and said “nothing. I got nothing.” Yup, that is why he gets paid the big bucks.

Oh happy day. I get to visit the dermatologist!! Well, not until January as they are just that booked. Everyone except me seems to be really concerned that I should wait so long. Tomorrow I go to the orthopedic for my broken foot and dislocated toe. I would rather be seeing a podiatrist but my insurance doesn’t cover a podiatrist. And I have been hobbling around for months. Having insurance is so fun!!! I scheduled my girly parts doctor visit and felt like a woman again!! It’s not that I enjoy the doctor, or being sick or the threat of suspicious moles or anything, but worrying about your health and not being able to do anything about it is such a depressing place to be. Especially when you are a single mother. I will take advantage of this crappy insurance whist I can so doctors beware!! Because I have learned, the very hard way, that nothing, nothing at all, lasts forever. Insurance, suspicious moles and human beings….everything changes. My eyebrow is twitching…I have to go call the doctor for an appointment….STAT!!!