Tag Archives: snow

Adventures In Snowblowing

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Obvioulsy this isn’t my first rodeo. But that doesn’t mean I do things the easy way, or the right way, or the common sense way or any other way that YOU would do things. And that’s ok. That’s not the point of life.

We are in the middle of a March snow storm similar to alllll of the other March snow storms we have had in the past kazillion years of Central New York. This one was hyped and this one actually lived up to the hype. Good for Stella. Yeah, they named it. Stella. Or “STELLLLAAAAAAAAA!!!!”. There was a State of Emergency declared for the entire state and anyone caught driving in my county would be ticketed. Great. Everything was closed including the POST OFFICE!!!!! Yup, that’s right. No mail. It was sleeting, storming and dark of night-ing and the 2017 mailmen said “nope”.

I guess the powers-that-be have finally figured out that snow storms kill people. People actually think that their job is worth dying (or killing) for and the big wigs decided that people are just wrong. So, they close everything and that’s that.

Now, back to me and my fantastic story of pointlessness and annoyance and a little bit of genius.

Last night, at 10:30, after I took my ambien, I decided to go out and snow blow. To get a jump on the morning crappola. I bundled up, sort of, and squeeze out the front door because the snow was so high I could only open the door maybe 6 inches (or a foot, but lets pretend I haven’t gained 50 pounds and I can still squeeze through tiny spaces) and stepped into over 3 feet of snow. Wow. I sort of swim/fall/march to the back yard where the snowblower is and I knock the snow off and prime it and pull the string thing about 100 times. Nothing. I know it needs gas. I know damn well it needs gas and I had even put the gas can NEAR the snowblower like last week in anticipation of getting gas. Which I did not do because duh. Before I got pissed, I went in the basement and grabbed the extension cord and plugged it in and pushed the button and TA DA!!! It started (that’s the little bit of genius part). I did two passes in the driveway and had just started on the third when the damn thing died. No gas.

I looked at my car long and hard. It’s a wonderful Rav 4 and it knows how to drive in the snow. But does it really feel like driving up the driveway in 4 feet of snow? Let’s find out. I kicked around in the general area of where I think I left the gas can, find it, pull it out of the 6 feet of snow and grab the shovel. I shovel off the snow from the top of the car and hop in. I can’t really see anything because snow, but I’ve lived here for 10 years. I know how the driveway goes. And I go…until I stop. In the middle of the damn driveway. *sigh* ok. Looks like I am walking to the gas station.

The good part is that the gas station in only 2 blocks away. The bad part is the village hadn’t plowed the sidewalks or the street so I was literally high stepping thru 11 feet of snow to the gas station in the blinding blizzard with a wind chill of -20. All for nought. The gas station was closed. Of course it was. Everything was closed. It was a state of emergency and no one was supposed to leave their homes otherwise Stella was gonna get ’em.

And then there’s me.

So, I walk back through the chest high snow to my house and squeeze back through the front door and strip and go to bed. Well, first I sat and cried about my frostbit knee region and then I went to bed.

Next morning. I get up, bundle up sort of and walk to the gas station with my gas can. I start filling it and gas just pours out everywhere because the bottom corners are cracked. Ha ha ha. This is so funny. I went inside and asked if they had a gas can and the girl was all “Um…no.” And I was like “Ha ha ha. This is so funny.” And she was like “Um, let me check in the back” And low and behold! A gas can! Now, I have gas all over my hands and mittens from the gas fountain that was the old gas can so I stink and I can taste it and I may or may not be a little loopy from the fumes. I fill up the brand new gas can and kick thru 15 feet of snow, UP hill. I stop to chat with my neighbor who is out shoveling and then onward to snow-blow. I fill ‘er up and get to gettin.

Up the driveway I blow, to the end that is plowed in with snow that is literally over my head. Annnnddddd….stuck. I do my patented Hip Rocking Talk Out Loud To It method and 15 minutes later I am unstuck. Big Guy with Little Dog walks by smiling. I reek of gasoline and sweat and fear and I smile back.I snow blowed for over an hour. I did snow blow thru The Great Wall of Snow at the end of the driveway. Patience and perseverance are two qualities one must have when snowblowing. Really don’t need those qualities for anything else so go ahead and get rid of them as soon as you are done with blowing snow.

The moral of the story is this : Pay a plow guy. Or maybe live in Arizona. Or possibly keep the snowblower filled with gas during the winter or just learn how to hibernate? You decide. 

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Welcome to Winter Mr. Georgia

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First we had to find the car... What YOU got Mr. Georgia? Riiiiight. Nuthin. Now shut up. slow down and don't be a dink. Happy Winter!!

First we had to find the car… What YOU got Mr. Georgia? Riiiiight. Nuthin. Now shut up. slow down and don’t be a dink. Happy Winter!!

This morning we had to go get guinea pig supplies. Why? Because sometimes I do things that my own mother wouldn’t let me do when I was a kid just because…and my kid asked for a guinea pig for her birthday. I don’t particularly care for rodents, even chipmunks in the wild sort of creep me out all looking like they are tweaked out on meth…spazzy freaks. So, we went through a small blizzard to pick up these cracked out guinea pigs last night. Brothers. Swell. They came with a bowl of food, their cage, water bottle, igloo and bedding. Awesome. To make the trip even funner, the two 12 year olds decided that the No Singing In The Car Rule was no longer in effect and sang the same song over and over and over and over and over and over, loudly. Every once in a while they would scream/giggle as only 12 year old girls in a small car during a snow storm can do. Good times.

Did I mention it was a two hour drive round trip? And my tires are bald. And it was a blizzard. With two girls singing We Are Young like it was the anthem to their whole life. My eye is still twitching.

We got home, got in the house, where I promptly dropped the cage. Which means it was an instant guinea pig party. Bedding went everywhere and the pigs ran for cover under the table where the cats usually sit. Lucky for them the cats were busy harassing the dog. We corral the pigs, fix the cage, the twitching in my eye worsens and I call it a night.

But today is a new day. We hop in the car right after our snow plow guy comes and plows us out. We head to the animal store. I drive slow in the winter. I just do. Sometimes I put on my hazards and flip off anyone who dares to pass me. I have a fair amount of road rage on a good day. On a day when it is still snowing, the roads are shitastic and my tires are bald. I have no control over what comes out of my mouth. I took a turn and went sliding and swearing towards the curb. I manged to pull out of it and continue on down the small hill. Now listen, I know y’all are going to think I get what I deserve for driving around on bald tires. Well, I’ll give you that. In my defense, I have always had crappy cars with way worse issues than bald tires and I haven’t gotten my tax return yet so I can’t afford new tires. And what am I supposed to do? Let the guinea pigs starve? I know I know…I see the flawed logic. Suspend your judgments and just let me finish the story ok? Geeze.

I notice this douchebag behind me who is on my ass. Now, that makes me nervous because what if I slip again? What if the guy ahead of me starts to spin out? Doesn’t the douchebag know how to drive in the snow? Increase your distance, slow down, stay in control of your vehicle at all times. I was going slow, just under the speed limit but not outrageously slow. Just being safe really. It was in the village so I was doing maybe 30 in a 35 zone. Douchebag is so close I can see his douchy expression. Anyway, the road splits and I move into the left lane to take a turn at the light. He comes up next to me and looks at me with hate in his eyes. I guess he didn’t expect to see me there with bigger hate and bigger eyes. I gave him a look that said “You are giant moron douchebag and I have no doubt that your wife got the friends in the divorce and your kids hate you and your dog ran away because you are such a turd”. He slowly turned his big fat douchbag head back to the road ahead of him and I laughed to myself. Because I knew he wanted to give me some sort of feeling of shame by looking at me like I was doing something wrong. Instead, he got shamed. I mean really. It’s a freaking blizzard. Where you gotta be bro? Target?

As happens in this world of engineered roads and stoplights, we got to the red at the same time. Now, I am enjoying this because he is so obviously annoyed which makes me feel sort of giddy. I know that feeling of sheer aggravation towards another driver who is just not doing it MY way when clearly MY way is the RIGHT way. I know how he feels towards me and I am loving it!!! Because I also know that he is a ridiculous idiot just like I am when I pretend I am directing other drivers with my curse words and finger pointing. It is senseless and silly. And oh so satisfying when someone else is experiencing their moment of total impotence. I slowly turn my head and give him a look of absolute innocence and complete dipshityness. This ticks him off so badly he starts having a conversation with himself about my car, pointing and trying to convince himself that somehow my driving reasonably in seasonable weather is somehow making his life unbearable. I blink twice and smile like I am missing a few key synapses connections and the light turns green. He floors it and fishtails and almost 360’s but manages to hold it together to be the first to the next red light…As I calmly pull up next to him again, I see steam coming out of his ears and his lips have disappeared and his eyebrows have become one. Apparently, he REALLY needs to get to Target. Must be some sort of emergency? Maybe a hot date? A really good sale? He makes his turn to the right after mouthing some more of his one man monologue about his obviously superior driving skills and I take my left.

Listen Mr. Georgia Licence Plate Brand New Subaru, unless your wife is in advanced labor with a baby head hanging out between her knees or your mother is having a heart attack and is severely allergic to ambulance rides then you really, truly have no where important to be. Not in the middle of February in Central New York. You just don’t. Not when it is snowing like a mofo and the roads are ice, covered in snow, covered in ice, covered in evil. Stop driving like an ass. It’s winter in freaking Syracuse. There is absolutely no where you have to be. Or as they say in the south “Bless your heart, I hope you wound up in a ditch”.

Dear Diary, Will It Ever End?

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This was yesterday. it was  50 degrees. Today it is a Snownado named Vulcan. Way to be an asshole March.

This was yesterday. it was 50 degrees. Today it is a  Snownado named Vulcan. Way to be an asshole March.

The weathermen have been hyping a massive winter storm for the past week. Today is the day. It’s here. Massive. Winter. Storm. Or is it? I guess the only difference between the winters of my youth and the winters of my children’s youth is technology. Weathermen in my day had integrity and honesty and no live doppler. Today, these weathermen have degrees in nonsense and information that really turns them on. Then they get on the TV with their weather boners and get us all hot and bothered about impending snow storms that they name. Yeah, you heard right. They have started naming winter storms. This one is Vulcan. Real sexy name. Vulcan.Whatever. It’s snowing. The roads are bad.

So, the kids had school but got out early. That’s cool. Absolutely everything is closed. Including grocery stores, malls, churches gas stations and highways. I want to bitch about the weather but why bother. I want to move to New Orleans. I want my dog to be trained. I also want some dental floss but that’s neither here nor there.

I didn’t have work so I made dinner. I washed the dog. I played some games with the kids. We are out of butter and toilet paper. How this happened I have no idea.

I think I am going to start taking offense at people calling other people crazy.

I wonder when I stopped being afraid of the dark.

Just what the hell kind of pair is that????

Just what the hell kind of pair is that????

Dear Diary, Day of Luv : Take Two

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This is a picture of my closet when I was a kid. Kittens and Kevin Bacon...pretty much sums up how I became the woman I am.

This is a picture of my closet when I was a kid. Kittens and Kevin Bacon…pretty much sums up how I became the woman I am.

What can I tell you about today…hhmmm…got up, commandeered a team to get a car unstuck from my driveway, sent an expedition off to collect breakfast from the donut shop and then convoyed the children to their various activities.

And then, I went on my postponed date. We had an excellent time at my second favorite restaurant. It was genuinely fun. I’m not giving you any details. What kind of blog do you think this is?

Anyway, now I am sitting here, thinking about dating and how much I actually like it when it is good and how much I hate it when it isn’t. I very rarely have a truly awful date. But I also very rarely have a truly wonderful date either. Most fall somewhere in between and I have been conditioned to accept that as acceptable. It is.

I’m getting a mixed tape by text which is a pretty fun.

Chocolate milk makes me really thirsty.

I bought this instead of a wedding dress...positive thinking...

I bought this instead of a wedding dress…positive thinking…

Dear Diary, Day of LUV

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Back when I was a kid we had to wear ski masks and smoke cigars...

Back when I was a kid we had to wear ski masks and smoke cigars…

It’s freakin Valentimes Day. Yea. I actually like Valentine’s Day alot. It’s a great excuse to use glitter. I was all set for a lovely VDay date while the kids were at school but then…..snow day. Normally, I LOOOOVE snow days. And this is a snow day before a week long mid winter break which is the best. Except that now I have to cancel my date because I have a house full of kids. Actually, I only have one kid at the moment because the other kid got stuck at her babysitting gig overnight as the roads were so bad. No love for me.

Except from the kid. She walked to the store to get me a bagel and tea. In a snow storm! She loves me.

Poor dog. I shoved him thru a crack in the front door so he could pee. He sunk as he was peeing and really could barely move. I was laughing so hard I almost peed. It was like quicksand. And he looked so confused. Like he lost his legs. Pooping was equally hysterical. Not sure where his poop went, he turned in circles looking for it for a good 5 minutes. Sticking his snout into the snow and snorting.  I had to drag him back in thru the crack in the door because I couldn’t fit thru the crack to pick him up. He tumbled back into the house like a puppy snowball. And all I could do was stand there and laugh. Until I saw that he had a poop ball stuck to his foot. Then I screamed and chased him around the livingroom. Which led to me cleaning up the trail of poop prints all over the carpet. It’s like it’s Valentine’s Day or something….

I was sitting here stressing about the plow guy. I didn’t contact him and we literally have at least 3 feet of snow. There is no way on God’s green earth that I am shoveling. It’s the principle of the thing really. I told the kid to go up to the snow plow guy’s house and ask and she said the driveway is plowed…Wow. I just thought about needing the plow guy and BLAM! driveway plowed!!! Nice. Now I am thinking about needing someone to hook up my dryer…I’ll let you know if that works out for me.

Now it is noon. I have been texting all morning with my bff and exchanging really bad pics of ourselves. Hers because she is working out, mine because I am not working out.

I am sure the only reason my dozen long stem red roses haven’t been delivered is because of the storm. And probably because I forgot to order them….

Munchos and Pop Tarts are the only thing in my pantry currently. I am not a college student or a pot head so that is weird.

This reindeer is flipping me off isn't he?

This reindeer is flipping me off isn’t he?

 

Dear Diary, Day 1,467…

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I love my kid. We can be judgey together and we are always right.

I love my kid. We can be judgey together and we are always right.

I’m still alive. The snow is falling like my hopes of finding a suitable husband before I retire. I have been locked in this house of cat hair and children for the past 18 hours. No chips, no dip, no massage therapist. It’s the closest to hell that I have ever been. How do people survive like this? Heathens and snowmobilers are the only ones equipped  to deal. This might just be the end, my friends…not sure how much longer I can hold on….

I woke up, checked my email, saw that all the schools in all the land were cancelled for today because of snow. Went back to sleep. Woke up again at 10 am. I haven’t slept in past 9am since I was a baby. I got up, feeling like a big ole pile of shitballs, woke up the children and had them walk down to the donut shop to get me breakfast so I didn’t die of feeling like crappola. Bonus : they took the dog with them. And just so y’all don’t think I am the meanest  mom in the whole world, the donut shop is about a half a block from our house and it wasn’t really snowing much at 10am. I am only the second meanest mom in the whole world, tops.

The 15 year old asked if her boyfriend could  come over and I scanned the livingroom and sighed and said “yessssss”. So, she went to take a shower. I sat there on the couch with the dog, changing my perspective on the cat hair that is so thick on the back of the couch that I could probably convince people it is actually a blanket that I picked up on my travels to the Himalayas. That is my story and I am sticking to it like the cat hair sticks to the throw pillows.

As the kids were going out the front door to run up to our neighbor- who- does- our- plowing-‘s house, he swung into our driveway to plow! My 10 year old went up to his truck with money clenched in her mittened fist and he wouldn’t accept it! It was a freebie today!!! Wow…I love where I live. The kids came back in and were picking up the house in anticipation of the  boyfriend  arriving when we heard someone shoveling our front walk! It was my other neighbor, my new neighbor! Not only did he shovel out my front walk but he went to town on the ice wall that had built up right in front of the door that makes opening the storm door all the way impossible.  I have the best neighbors ever. Later, after more snow blanketed us in cold, white hell, he shoveled AGAIN. My neighbors rule.

The boyfriend came. I immediately had the 15 year old and the boyfriend walk into town to pick up take out from one of my fav restaurants. Having children was the best idea I ever had. The boyfriend is a terrific kid. When the boyfriend comes over I am relegated to my bedroom. We have a small house now and as much as I enjoy the 15 year old and the boyfriend, I do not enjoy the chick flick the 15 year old will inevitably force the boyfriend to watch. He is gracious about such things, I am an asshole about such things. I accept this about myself and go hide in my bedroom leaving them the good tv.

The snow is still piling up. If we survive this snoacolypse I swear I will never again mock winter by wearing my sneakers instead of my boots.

Girls compete with each other.

Women empower one another.

Old ladies measure you for bras at departments stores.

All natural beefpork. So, is that a picture of a cowpig?

All natural beefpork. So, is that a picture of a cowpig?

Dear Diary…Day Two

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This is Eddie. He is contemplating why anyone would willing get out of bed...ever.

This is Eddie. He is contemplating why anyone would willing get out of bed…ever.

Well, look at me!!! Here it is day TWO and I am writing again! I am mildly impressed with myself. Mostly because I know me and I was really unsure that this was going to be happening!

Ok, today the kids went back to school after ALMOST two whole weeks off. Almost two whole weeks but two days short (because school is dumb). Last night the weather was getting a bit snotty. The weathermen were doing their predicting and we were sleeping with our PJs inside out, had our undies in the freezer and  we went outside, spun 3 times while singing the alphabet backwards. Ok, we didn’t do any of that. But, maybe if we had, they would have had a snow day today. They didn’t.But the school district I work in did and so did the school district where I grew up. Both of THOSE districts NEVER close. But they did today!!! Unfortunately, no one told my neighbor who works in the high school I went to as a kid and he drove himself all the way to work…on a SNOW DAY! Poor guy.

Up at the asscrack of dawn to get these kids awake and functioning. Off to school they go.

I almost died twice getting them to school. And some dink of a teenager also came close to death, although I am sure he doesn’t even know it because he had his hoodie up and just kept walking while I slid within inches of his Timberlands. Teenagers are sort of dumb. I say that because I was a teenager and I was plenty dumb. I guess I am just shocked they haven’t gotten any smarter in the years since.

Went to the bagel shop with my dog. Went in and the little old lady who is there every other day was there and said the same thing she says every time “Oh!!! Your little doggie loves you so!!!” and my standard reply “He’s a good boy”. My life, as you will soon recognise, is like Groundhogs Day. And I’m ok with that. Went to Starbucks for my iced green tea. I wish I could drink hot liquids as it was a chilly 10 degrees this morning but, I can’t. I walked in, no line, didn’t have to speak and my order was ready. Got back in the car with my dog and drove 20 mph home. The roads were nasty.

Cleaned the kid’s rooms, did the laundry, smashed my head on the cellar door so hard I saw stars…ya know, just for something fun to do.

Went to the bank. The teller was my old friend, she gave the dog a bisquet. Went to the next bank. The teller was not my old friend. Dog did not get a bisquet. He was very confused. Came home. Sat down for about a half an hour. Went to get the kids from school.

Collected the children. Went to the laundromat to dry all of the wet clothes as we do not, as of yet, have a dryer hooked up…I say “as of yet” because it makes it sound like we will have one hooked up shortly. We won’t, but it sounds like we will.

Made the kids run into the grocery as I hadn’t showered yet. I sat in the car and texted them what we needed for dinner. After about the 4th text, my 15 year old asked if we could just get McDonald’s. As tempting as that sounded I said no. I got alot of ugly stares as I was parked in the fire lane. Oh well, to bad so sad. I got here first. And I know a fireman so I am pretty sure it’s ok.

They came out. We went home.

I started dinner. My 10 year old took the dog out for a pee and switched the dishes (from the dishwasher to the cupboards, from the sink to the dishwasher) My 15 year old shoveled out the end of the driveway where the village plows had plowed us in. She did it with a smile on her face. A fifteen year old smile. Have you seen that sort of smile? It looks exactly like an adult’s I-Hate-My-Life-And-Wish-Everyone-Would-Drop-Dead smile but in a 15 year old way.

The 15 year old and I went to gather the dry laundry at the laundromat and bring it up to my room where I sorted it into our rooms and put away my 10 year old’s. I left the 15 year old’s in the basket in her room. So that she can throw it all over her floor and mix it up with some damp towels and dog hair so they all smell funny. I guess that is the new fad?

We ate dinner. Stuffed pork chops, green beans and garlic mashed potatoes. All the 10 year old ate was the green beans, all I ate was the stuffing and the 15 year old finished off the potatoes. I don’t know why I even bother.

It’s dropping to below zero tonight. The governor has declared a state of emergency or something and is shutting down all the highways as of midnight. I guess this is a bad storm. I didn’t have to go to work tonight because the weather is so bad. I love a snow day! I told the kids they will more than likely not have school tomorrow. The 10 year old did a happy dance. The 15 year old gave me her “smile”.

Nothing else planned for tonight except giving each other mani pedi’s and yelling at the dog to leave the cat alone.

I know all the words to the Humpty Dance.

The Uncle from Fresh Prince of Bel Air died.

Maybe I will see you tomorrow!!!!

The 14 year old smile(before she was 15. Now she has it mastered)...and the 10 year old's creepy smile...

The 14 year old smile(before she was 15. Now she has it mastered)…and the 10 year old’s creepy smile…