Tag Archives: stealing

Spencer Goes To A Birthday Party

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spencer goes to a birthday party He’s looking for the cake…

If any of you are doubting the truth of my stories of Spencer, I now have witnesses. I had my annual Holiday/birthday party for the kids. Lots of people, LOTS of kids and LOTS AND LOTS of food. Spencer was in heaven with the whole kid/food combination. I warned everyone who came in about Spencer and his thieving, and Cecelia and her sneak attacks. I told Spencer stories and he layed there basking in the attention…

Children love Spence. He is huge and smelly and awkward and very funny and he farts. He’s like a clown dog. And he tolerates little kids trying to ride him or crawl on him. He loves it. Rub his tummy and he smiles…teeth and all. But all the while, he is keeping one eye on any dropped or unattended food. He casually walks by the garbage can and takes a peek, snatches the plate of cake and walks on into the living room to eat while enjoying the tree and the little kids playing. Now if he could just get someone to bring him his smoking jacket and pipe he would be all set sitting regally on the blue velvet sofa. Ass.

As I am standing in the kitchen talking with a friend, behind me Spencer is unattended in the dining room. And in front of at least 5 other people, Spencer takes a HUGE wedge of cake off a plate that was on the table and inhaled it. My friend tried to warn me. She pointed and yelled “DOG!! FOOD!!” and that was all she could get out before the cake was gone. The other guests were amazed at the gracefulness. He didn’ knock the plate off the table. They were impressed with his technique. That’s when he knew he had them all in the palm of his paw. Now he knew that they would bow down to honor him and treat him with the much lack respect previously afforded to such a funny fat smelly mutt. And he sashayed away with attitude…until he took one step on to the laminate flooring and his entire back end went down. And he kind of crawled/dragged himself to the rug, hoisted himself up, shook it off and turned left into the family room where he slid on his belly all the way to the couch. Impressed all the guests. But also made them feel compassion for this dog who is obviously on his last legs. He’s like a movie star past his prime but thinking he’s still got it.

Now, after the party I was cleaning up and putting away all the food. I took the garbage outside, did the dishes, wiped down the counters and let Spence catch the crumbs. After all, he put on a good show. But I either accidental left the fridge ajar or Spencer has another cool new trick. When I got up the next morning, all of my chicken wing dip was gone, half of a cheesecake, carton of eggnog pierced and spilled all over the floor. All of the saran wrap that I had used to cover the food was gone. And I haven’t seen it yet. And I kinda hope I never do.

So added to the list of Spencer tricks is refrigerator opening. I have to think he could be a very useful mutt. He could be trained to help people (lazy people like myself) Work for his meals. But his compulsion is so grand he wouldn’t be able to get me a snack without eating the entire thing before actually getting it to me.

I sat him down and explained the state of our economy and how it coincides with the diet that the vet wants to put him on. See I have no money to buy dog food and he needs to eat less. Serendipity!!

And for Christmas morning I will give him the gift of my grandmother’s cereal bowl for his new food portions and he will most likely give me back the saran wrap, used twice. We love each other and really think about a thoughtful gift for the Holiday. And if I am truly as loved as I think I am, he will leave it right where I will step in it with my bare feet. It’s love, dysfunctional love, but love none the less.

Now In Theaters…

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For my next trick….

My life has been a series of bizarre events. My best friend sometimes calls it a giant shit sandwich. But I like to think of it as the makings of a great movie. I like to watch movies and I always assume that they have a major basis in reality. I have lived The Hangover. I have lived All About Steve. I have lived My Girl, Bridesmaids and yes, even Inception. So, I guess that my life and all the weird stuff that happens is all part of the story line. I’m here to learn and entertain.

A few weeks ago my puppy Leo figured out how to escape his crate and lock the bedroom door. I was simultaneously impressed and pissed because he used his alone time to chew stuff and break shit. He shares a room with my 13 year old daughter. What made me laugh was that he waited till she was in the shower to perform his Houdini magic and then lock her out of the bedroom. Her reaction? Typical 13 year old sister annoyed with her little sibling. “Mom! Leo locked me out of MY room!! And I am dripping wet!!!” Like I was going to do something besides laugh hysterically at the situation. I mean come on, we HAVE to be smarter than the puppy….we HAVE to be. HAVE to.

Fast forward, Leo breaks his foot and now sports the cone of shame. Leo, WITH the broken foot AND the cone of shame escapes his crate and locks himself in the bedroom again!!! We have to be smarter than the puppy. HAVE TO BE. What to do….what to do….twist tie!!! Twist tie the crate closed!!! Brilliant!!! And not my idea…one of my smarter-than-the-puppy friends on facebook. And so, twist tie saves the day. Unless we lose the twist tie in which case we use a scarf…which Leo chews thru and escapes again! See, Leo figures this is all for our amusement. He believes we enjoy his magic. On some level we do. We really are impressed, but we are also annoyed as he keeps showing us up.

One night we come home and Leo is in his crate, which is secured with a belt. Ha HA! But…there is poop on the floor in the kitchen which is downstairs. Now this is really REALLY odd. I assume it must be cat poop. No way Leo escaped, pooped in the kitchen, got back into his crate (which is impossible without our help because of the cone) reattached the belt all within the hour we were gone. Had to be the cat. My daughter, who cleaned up the poop, swore it was dog poop. There is just no way! Her theory is that one of the neighbor dogs came in, pooped and left. But the neighbor dogs don’t have my house key. And why would the neighbor dogs be that vindictive? I thought they liked me. As a side note, I am also missing 5 pairs of underwear and a super cute bra. But I digress.

Last night the kids went on an overnight so it was just me and Leo for the night. I moved his crate into my room, took him out (where he pooped) and we settled in for the night. His crate secured with a twist tie. This morning I got up, took him out (where he pooped), brought him in, fed him breakfast, hung out with him while he ate, put him back in his crate, twist tied it and left for a meeting. And HERE’S the weird part (I know you thought all that other stuff was the weird part) I am missing another bra AND there is dog poop on the livingroom floor!!!!!

Apparently there is a bra stealing, dog pooping burglar in the neighborhood! Hide yo panties! Hide yo leashes! I came upstairs and there is Leo right where I left him, IN his crate, twist tie on my desk…ON MY DESK!!!??? Is it possible that Leo is stealing my bras and panties and pooping on the floor and getting back into his crate while I am out???? What is he doing with my bras and panties????

I call my best friend to tell her the latest. She tells me that I need to turn on my alarm system every time I leave the house. I think this is a good plan because I can’t afford new panties. She sighs and says if someone is breaking into my house I have to be careful and I need to have it on at night also. At this point I think of how funny it is that someone would break into my house to leave dog poop and steal my undergarments. She thinks it’s dangerous. I think it’s hysterical that she thinks it’s scary. I ask if I can borrow some undies until CSI is able to get here and analyze the dog poop. She hangs up on me.

Now my real decision is who is going to play me in the movie….