Tag Archives: vomit

Dear Diary, In Conclusion….

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That's alotta people just standing under that No Standing sign. NYC Broadway types are the epitome of anarchy.

That’s alotta people just standing under that No Standing sign. NYC Broadway types are the epitome of anarchy.

So, we didn’t get back to the hotel until well after 2:30am and that is past my bedtime, by like, alot. I did shower before I got into bed though and here is why : NYC is grosser than gross. Or maybe I am grosser than gross when I am in NYC…that is a possibility. I walk fast and sweat. I do not understand these people who are wearing scarves and long sleeves in the summer, in the city, in the summer, in the city (It’s a song ya know?). Plus, I had three pairs of shoes in my purse, all had been worn at some point during the day. Add to that a bra wet with sweat and smelly socks. It’s a long story, but trust me when I say that there was no avoiding touching the bottom of shoes that had been worn all over Manhattan.

Here is how our day went : We got up, found a bagel shop and a Starbucks and the train station. Now, we parked in this very, very , very old parking lot that happened to be about 5 blocks from the actual station. To park in this lot you had to fold up 15 dollars very small and shove them through a slot on a board. Yes you did! We stood there for a bit with another couple debating the pros and cons of how we thought the contraption worked. Finally, a criminal came over and informed us that yes indeed the situation was what it looked to be. So, the other couple stuffed their money in, we stuffed ours in and then we walked. I have no idea why the hell we had to park 5 blocks away from the station. Down a long, dark alley, under an overpass with broken glass scattered all over the sidewalk and then along a fence with razor wire at the top…it’s VACATION!!!!!!!!!

Got to the station and hopped right on the train! Sat down and immediately realized I was having a gallbladder attack! So, that was 2 hours of making a plan on what to do if I needed help and googling gallbladder attack remedies. Got off the train, went to a couple of flea markets, then to the movies. The kids were dying to see some cheezebag movie that had just come out and I knew the bathrooms at the movie place would be nice enough to change into our evening clothes. Met a lovely older lady and had a great discussion about the movie. Charged my phone, changed our clothes, took my 15 year old to the Broadway show she had tickets for. Her friend met her there. My 11 year old and I hopped back on the subway, and went to Ninja Restaurant. That was SO. MUCH. FUN!!!! Jumped on the subway, met my 15 year old and her friend at the stage door and got autographs and pics with the stars of the show!

Parted ways with her friend, jumped on S to get to Grand Central to catch the train back to New Haven. That sounds like an easy thing but if you read this you will understand that nothing is easy. We were exhausted.  And I had to pee. So, the train leaves the platform and I head to the bathroom. I check before I squat that there is tp. There is NO tp. I pull myself together and go back to our seat. I rummage through my purse (touching dirty shoes and sweaty bras) looking for a tissue or napkin. Nada. How is it possible that I have been a mom for 20 years and I don’t have a crumpled up tissue in the bottom of my purse? Oh that’s right…I skipped my Mommy Club dues to be able to afford this frickin trip. My only option? A smelly sock. I decided to check the bathroom two cars down. Same sitch. But, I noticed this pull down table thingy next to the toilet and just in case it was a secret tp stash, I pulled it down…It wasn’t. It was a place to put potato chip bags filled with vomit. And as I closed it back up, I got a strong whiff of someone’s vomit along with a splash that landed on my thumb. Now, I have to pee, no toilet paper, stranger puke on my thumb and all I have is a sock. That about sums up my life. Listen, I did what I had to do. You have no idea what it’s like living on the edge…Let’s all just be impressed with my resourcefulness and leave it at that, OK?

We hopped off the train, hopped in a cab (because there is NO WAY I was going to spend money on a better motel in a better area and then get killed on the way to my car. THAT would be such a  waste!!!!) jumped in our car, locked the doors and drove back to the motel. Stumbled into our room, the kids fell on the bed and were out before I could say goodnight. I immediately showered HOT to rid myself of the memory of chip bag vomit and socks…

Crawled into bed and was out.

It was a wonderful day. We met alot of people. Most of them were asking me for directions. Which I gave out like I knew what I was talking about. Because people are just looking to have an adventure, they don’t really want to know how to get there! Today we got up, found our bagel and Starbucks and hit the road for home. But on the way home is the Basketball Hall Of Fame. So, we had to stop…took the tour, played the games, had a blast! They have a Cold Stone Creamery and so, we had a treat. THEN we were on our way home. Over all it was an epic vacation, but every vacation we take is epic in some way.

And now I know what happens to the “missing” sock….

That's my FAV guy right there!!!! So close I could throw a sock at him!!! Good thing I didn't as it came in real handy a little bit later!

That’s my FAV guy right there!!!! So close I could throw a sock at him!!! Good thing I didn’t as it came in real handy a little bit later!

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Dear Diary, Day of Dis-ease

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She thought maybe this was Platform Nine and three quarters...she was wrong.

She thought maybe this was Platform Nine and three quarters…she was wrong.

I had cheese last night before I passed out. I don’t think this is a good idea. I do not recommend it. But getting home at 10:30pm and wanting to sleep, cheese seemed like a good idea. I woke up, um, not hungry. But whatever. I had to go to the bank and then the other bank and then to the Village Office to pay my taxes. I had to pay them today or I would have to pay the overdue fine. I made it to both banks and by the time I got to the Village Office I was feeling really queasy. I was still in my pj’s, the dog was in the car. I was blaming the cheese.

I went in. Paid my taxes in a total haze, walked out and threw up in the bushes. As if that isn’t bad enough, some guy in a truck was just pulling in and my dog decided that I was taking too long getting back to the car and started barking like he was going to die. I had no water so I grabbed some clean snow and shoved it in my mouth and spit it out. Momentary gratefulness that it is winter.

Had to walk by the guy getting out of his truck to get to my car. I think I mumbled something about taxes making me sick and dove into my car and yelled at the dog to quit barking.

Got home, showered. And that is when I found out that we are out of toilet paper. Also out of paper towels. But I found a box of tissues that were only half gone. It’s turning out to be a great day!

I had to get the kids from school and drop my 15 year old off to her babysitting gig. The 11 year old needed Valentine’s Cards for school tomorrow. I sent her into the drug store with my debt card and instructions to get toilet paper. And hurry. She did. We came home, I took a nap while she did homework and took the dog out for a pee. When I got up, I felt a bit better. We cracked open the Vday cards. Ofcourse she doesn’t have her class list. Ofcourse she doesn’t. She starts to sign her name to the first one and she says “Oh look it says ‘I’m glad God made us friends’ that’s weird huh mom? ” …..um…WHAT? *sigh* She accidentally bought God cards with the bible verse on the back and everything. Now, don’t get on my case. I love God, I love Valentine’s Day but I am NOT in the mood to start a riot. It’s 2014 and maybe you don’t pay attention but I do and I know that someone would make a stink. Plus, they were just plain  bad cards.  If my kid got a God  VDay card I would be a little irritated to tell you the truth.

There finds me in the basement trying to find the VDay box of left over crap. The cat poop smell is overwhelming me. I am cursing everyone I can think of. I am hating life.

I usually decorate and make valentines for everyone but this year I was just not feeling it. I finally found the damn box. Brought it up and managed to find 24 assorted cards. Barbie, Harry Potter, Rug Rats, Simpsons, Generic Princess, and Power Rangers. She put alot of thought into which kid would like which card the best. Meanwhile, I was throwing up in the kitchen sink.

She showered, ate, and went to bed. No kisses for me tonight. Praying she doesn’t catch this bug…in fact, I will send God a Valentine’s Day card so he won’t afflict my child with this ravaging illness.

Happy almost Valentine's Day.

Happy almost Valentine’s Day.

 

Dear Diary, Day 25 Can Bite Me

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This is what I look like when I am not in death defying pain

This is what I look like when I am not in death defying pain

I woke up at 5am in the most intense pain I have ever experienced. That includes labor and birthing three 9 pound + babies.  I told you before that I wake up every morning in pain but this is different. It isn’t a generalized “I feel like crap” pain, it is a “OMG KILL ME NOW” pain. Nerve pain from neck to my left arm. The kind of pain that makes one cry and swear and hate all of humanity. And that is how my day started.

I almost called my 10 year old to come help me get out of bed. But I didn’t know what was actually going to happen once my feet hit the floor. I was pretty sure it was going to involve copious amounts of swear words and possibly some vomit. I decided to let her hang onto her childhood for a few more hours and just do it myself.

I didn’t know how to get up though. I couldn’t lift my upper body without screaming in pain. I couldn’t get my feet to the floor without lifting my upper body. I had nothing to grab on to to try to hoist myself up. So, I literally laid there, sweating, scared out of my mind to move…I finally just distracted myself with judging Elizabeth Vargas and threw myself out of bed while I wasn’t paying attention.

I think I went into shock for a bit while the pain coursed through my body and then I just started sobbing which made everything 1000x worse. I couldn’t take a deep breath because of the pain so I started to hyperventilate. I had to start my Lamaze breathing. I finally reasoned myself out of having a full on breakdown and showered. I contemplated going to the ER but I don’t want to get sick and hospitals are so dirty and filled with sick people.

Instead, I yelled at the kids to get in the car. I had to take my 15 year old to her theater class. We stopped at the bagel shop. Once I ate and took some pain pills I started to feel more human. But the pain was still there. Took the 10 year old to our favorite restaurant, picked up the 15 year old, took her to her babysitting gig, came home, let the dog out for a pee, put him back in the house and took the 10 year old to the movies. Mostly because I didn’t want to come home and try to get comfortable on the couch because I knew there was no comfortable to be had today.

Came home, let the dog out for a pee and have been trying to be grateful that my nerve pain has lessened from the holy shit intensity it was this morning. I guess I should mention here that hanging with my 10 year old is about as Zen as my life gets. I have really chill, sweet, helpful, kind kids. I also have a brand new bottle of pain meds.

To sum up: I am in phenomenal pain. I love my kids. My dog pees alot.

I hate riddles.

I am a great critic of movie theater popcorn.

A bunch of these guys live up the road from me...I love where I live

A bunch of these guys live up the road from me…I love where I live

Suck It

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In my nightmare, this is what would chase me around my house, throwing up on all of the braided rugs…

When I was a little girl, I had a reoccurring nightmare involving a fleet of Rainbow vacuum cleaners. That is what we had, a Rainbow vacuum cleaner. Which, incidentally, is the most disgusting invention known to the 20th century. The Rainbow uses water…why ? I don’t know. It seems like a bad idea on so many levels…water+electricty has been proven to be a really dangerous combination. Beyond the safety issue, the actual byproduct is a tank filled with water and everything you vacuum up, which  looks exactly like vomit. And one has to take this tank filled with vacuum vomit and dump it into the toilet and flush it away. If you have read my blog, you will remember that as a kid I had a HUGE problem with puke.  So vacuuming was a nightmare, literally and figuratively.

When I moved out, my roommate and I didn’t have a vacuum cleaner. We were teens. We had a broom. We swept the carpet. Oh that was fun. Quite the work out. Have you ever swept a carpet? It’s like one sweep forward, 3 sweeps back. The dirt pieces rebound backward. So you really have to have a fast sweeping motion with a good amount of pressure and about 3 hours per square foot to actually accomplish dirt removal. Needless to say, our floors were never all that clean.

And then, when I was a young mother, we were given a “vintage” 1972 canister vacuum. I liked antiques and I was born in 1972, so, it was kitschy. But what wasn’t so kitschy was the fact that no place carried bags for this canister vac. So, we had to empty the bag that it came with. This wasn’t as bad as the Rainbow vomit only because dry dirt doesn’t look like throw up. But, dry dirt does leave lots of dust. Kind of defeats the purpose of cleaning in general when you know that to properly clean you have to empty the 25 year old bag which will lead to more dirt.

And then, when we bought our first house, my dad gave us a top of the line vacuum cleaner as a house warming gift! It was nicer than our car. But being house poor, we still did the empty the bag trick as we couldn’t afford the 10 bucks for new bags. It wasn’t so bad though because this vacuum had a filter. By this time a vacuum was necessary. We had 2 kids and 2 dogs and a cat. And so, I vacuumed everything. Walls, furniture, floors, beds, sometimes the kids and most definitely the dogs…the cat was too fast for me.

Because of my misuse of this Cadillac of vacuums, it eventually quit. We tried new belts, new brushes, smaller amounts of time spent vacuuming…we tried everything short of sending it on a cruise. It eventually went on strike and then decided to go back to school to become a leaf blower.

When I moved into my own place I decided that I was going to be a real grown up and go ahead and get my own brand new fancy shmancy vacuum. I went and spent a stupid amount of money on a Dyson. Ya know the vacuum that never stops sucking? Yeah it sucks alright. Not in the way a vacuum should either. But, by this time in my life, I was into doing things myself. When the Dyson died, which it eventually did, I pulled it apart, cleaned it all and put it back together. Mission accomplished. It worked again! Until it didn’t. What is with appliances nowadays? It’s like they only do their job when they feel like it. As if they weren’t made for the sole purpose of doing what they are made for…like they have a life beyond doing their task they were built for. I have had the same problems with my snowblower and my lawn mower. Anyway, I have torn apart a nasty, dirty, filled- with- cat- hair- that- is- coated- with- dog- pee- with- some- kid- puke- making- it- stick- to- the- sides- of- the- hose- Dyson. Yes I have.

This last time though, it was the extension hose that got clogged. I tried banging it, I tried stuffing a knife down the tube, then another knife to try to push out the first knife which got stuck in the tube and then a chopstick to try to unstick both knives…So now I have an extension hose that is clogged with crap plus two butter knives and one chopstick. My next move will be to get the garden hose to try to blast out the entire lot with water…I just haven’t been in the mood.

And 3 months later my house is just gross. It’s summer, there is all sorts of dried cut grass that the kids track in, there is dirt from the dog and the cat hair is outrageous. So, I made the kid go ask my extra awesome neighbor if I could borrow his vacuum. Now, I have to say he is pretty trusting considering he has allowed me to borrow his lawn mower knowing full well I needed his because I have killed 3 of my own…so, to allow me to borrow his vacuum is a huge show of faith on his part. Faith that I will not be mean and kill his vacuum. I don’t do these things intentionally. I am simply using these machines in the way they were intended and I swear to you it’s the machine that is the asshole, not me.

Anyway, as the kids and I “oooh” and “aaaah” over a real working vacuum and how beautiful our floors look and how colorful our carpets are now that an entire layer of dust has been removed, I notice this vacuum is not picking up as well as it did when I first started…4 hours earlier. Yes, 4 hours of vacuuming…and that was just the downstairs. So, I curse modern technology and flip over the vacuum to see if I can find the problem. Sure enough I see a huge clog. I begin pulling it out with my bare hands. Really, if my mother could see me pulling out dirt, real honest to goodness, no other word for it dirt, she would eat her hat.

This was a very involved process. I eventually had the vacuum in about 4 pieces and the belt off. Yes ,I unplugged it first, but only because I knew a kid in high school who went to unclog a snowblower without turning it off first and lets just say that was the end of his flute career. I was a little disappointed with my neighbor’s vacuum. The part that I needed to get in to didn’t pop off like on my Dyson.  I had to really dig in and use my hands, and then the chopstick (the one that isn’t stuck in my vacuum). I used all my moves, all of my technique, which is considerable at this stage in my life, and finally the clog came  bursting out of the hose and right up my shorts. All of the nastiness that I had vacuumed up plus the nastiness from my neighbor’s house was now up my shorts. I thought vacuums were supposed to make life easier and cleaner. Pretty sure that Hepa filter is useless at this point.

Anyway, I finished vacuuming and the kid returned the vacuum. I am now considering hiring someone to come and vacuum my house once every other week or so…I wasn’t made to be a domestic diva. I was supposed to have a different life at age 39. *sigh* My next project is to have a stern discussion with my dryer because it is withholding again…not sure why, considering I only make it work once a week. Spoiled. That is what is wrong with American Made Appliances these days.

 

One Little Piece Of Crazy

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I have no idea how I lucked out to have three incredible kids. Especially when they are sick. Because if the curse that my mother put on me as a child had worked, I would have had kids that were exactly like me. But I don’t. And I am grateful. When I was a kid and I got sick I really believed the world was ending. And throwing up was the worst. I was pretty sure vomiting = death. No idea why I thought this, but the terror involved with puking far outweighed the actual unpleasantness of the act itself.

If I was feeling sick to my stomach (which was pretty often as a child) I would have to have everything a certain way so that I didn’t puke. Shoot, I couldn’t even say “puke” or”throw up” of”vomit” I called it getting “uppity”. Wow, what a wacko little kid I was!! And then when the time came for the actual deed to happen, I had to have a hand to hold and forget about me aiming anywhere. I tossed my cookies wherever I was because I was paralized with fear. You can imagine how nice this was for my mother to deal with.

There was the time I threw up down her back, the time I puked in my dad’s ear, and the time my drunk uncle tried to catch it with a tv tray which only made it splash. The older I got, the more prepared I became. I would have a plan at all times in all situations on what I would do and who I could grab if I had to puke. I’m not really sure what other 11 year olds were thinking about, but me, at any given moment, I could tell you exactly whose hand I would hold and what I would do if I got sick. I think this is what they call neurotic. Or maybe just annoying. If someone was throwing up near me, or on TV, or even just hearing someone puke in another room would send me into a panic for hours, sometimes even days.

I did finally get over my intense fear when I started drinking. Don’t get me wrong, before an evening of drinking commenced I would straight out ask a friend to hold my hand if I had to throw up. What a weirdo I was. When I became pregnant with my first, and the morning sickness began (which was coincidently on Mother’s Day) I was finally broken of my consuming fear of vomiting. Still didn’t like hearing others throw up, but I understood that I wasn’t going to die and I actually preferred to be alone when the feeling hit.

And then there are babies. I had three, not all at once, just in general. Spit up wasn’t an issue as I breastfed all three. They did spit up now and again but it wasn’t a big deal. And with the first two I had another adult around who took care of them if they had the stomach bug. And when my kids were sick, they were sick but not one of them ever acted like it was the end of the world. This further proved to me that I was a total freak as a child. Now my greatest fear became my kids becoming weirdo freaks like I was. I mean, it was really difficult being such a weirdo freak as a child. Always thinking about throwing up. Being consumed with vomit.

My kids really amaze me. Their little lives are definitely as screwed up as mine was, just in different ways. But somehow they do not have any of the insecurities or strange hang ups that I had. Not quite sure why except that I just refused to allow them to have those hang ups.

Case in point. Last night my almost 7-year-old woke me up by just standing in my doorway. I looked at her and asked if she was ok. She said “yes, but I just threw up.” I asked her where, all the while processing that she was not screaming or crying or in any way visibly upset. She said in her room. So, I get up and take her in the bathroom and check her out, she’s clean. Not a tear, nothing. No puke on her.I ask if she wants to brush her teeth and she does. I bring her into my bed and tell her if she feels pukey again to wake me up and we will run for the potty. She is good with that. Me at her age? I would have had a nervous break down if my mother had even mentioned to run for the potty. That would have meant that she thought there was a possibility that I would throw up again! Not my kid,she says “ok mommy” rolls over and goes to sleep.

About an hour later I feel her moving pretty quickly out of bed. I jump up with her and she actually made it to the potty and threw up while holding her own hair back. My children never cease to amaze me. I am so very proud that they do not have the vomit obsession that I had. I have no idea how it happened I am just glad it did happen. There is no way I could have dealt with mini me. Now if I catch this bug, that may be a different story….