Tag Archives: weird

She Touched The Butt

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Don't trust a butt massage by it's cover...

Don’t trust a butt massage by it’s cover…

I’m going to let you in on a few secrets that help keep me sane…I take ambien to sleep and I am addicted to pedicures. You might think that these two things are unrelated but, you would be wrong. And would you rather be right or would you rather be happy? Exactly. So, last night after I took my ambien, I bought a groupon for an hour foot massage. Why? Because I was trying to break my pedicure addiction and about 45 minutes after taking my ambien, I get purchasey.

My pedicure addiction began when I needed something to do when my kids went to their father’s  for the weekend. I was encouraged by all of my single mom pals to “do something for myself” and “enjoy having some alone time”. Two years later, I am worried that my toenails might fall off. Logically, I thought that just getting a foot massage without the clipping, filing, grating and acid bath might save my toes. What I wasn’t prepared for was losing my virginity. Ok, that’s an exaggeration…but you’ll understand once I tell you what all took place.

So, I have seen these “foot massage” places popping up recently around town. I pegged one of them as a “happy ending” sort of joint. A “rub and tug”. A “suck, bang, blow”. But what do I know really? I’m just a naive old lady who has watched way too many HBO shows. Last night a groupon pops up for a place right near the pedicure place for half off an hour foot massage with reflexology. That must be for me! I bought the shit out of that groupon and today, I went to Angel’s Reflexology Foot Massage Palace for an hour foot massage.

I’m horrible at getting massages. My body is always in pain and my mind never shuts up.  I make my daughter take a picture of me before I left, just in case I get kidnapped and sold into some sort of middle aged white lady sex massage ring or killed, but really just because I  liked my outfit and I wanted to remember it for next week when I go out with the girls. Off I go to possibly get molested!

I walk in and right there in the entry way are recliners with two people reclined in them both getting foot massages. Well, this is awkward. They put me into the chair next to them and take my glasses so I am now blind. I can see blurry shapes but that’s about it. They bring out a big bucket and stick my feet into it. Then the massage lady starts with my head. Not sure what that has to do with a foot massage but she’s the professional so…

She was massaging my face, focused on the sinuses and it was actually pretty good, except that I was holding in cackling laughs thinking about the faces she is making my face make when all of the sudden she pinches my nose closed. That’s never happened before. Just pinched my nose close. All the way closed. I was wondering if I was supposed to switch to breathing through my mouth, if this was some sort of weird sex game…but I wasn’t there for sex so I held my breath for as long as possible and then I just opened my mouth just a tiny bit and took a breath through the side. She let go. I think I won that round.

Next she grabbed my arm and smacked it. Hard. Then she massaged down my arm, hitting every trigger point on the way. She got to my stomach, put her hands on my pubic bone and gave it a pop. Huh. Not sure what that was about. She got to my legs and feet. My pants pushed up above my knees cutting off circulation which sort of defeats the purpose I suppose. She worked on one leg for a long time. Then the other leg and I thought that would be it. But oh was I wrong.

She told me to flip over. I was in a recliner. I was thinking this was going to be a super awkward position, laying on my stomach in a recliner. BUT, as I sat up she did some voodoo magic and a hole opened up right where my face goes. Unfortunately, it was just a round hole so my face went to far through and every time she massaged my shoulders she was accidentally (on purpose?) choking me. The second time in an hour my oxygen intake was being cut off. Kinky to you, annoying and a little concerning to me. Luckily it didn’t last long…she moved down my back and right to my butt. She touched the butt. Alot. So much butt touching. I have to assume that if I were a customer looking for some butt touching, this would have been heaven, butt touching heaven. Maybe if I had responded to being molested while face down in a recliner in a positive manor, I would have been allowed to go behind the beaded curtain where the music was slightly different (more bow chicka wow wow, less crickets and water dripping). But instead, I just laid there, face down, making incredulous faces at the floor, holding in my giggles and wondering how I get myself into these situations.

And then, she was done. And gone. And I was left to whale flip my body over and flop out of the recliner. The other two people who were there when I walked in had left with lots of loud talking and compliments and promises to be back the following week. I had to search for my glasses, find my purse and slink out the door. I felt slightly violated, very naughty and like I had a sneak peek at an odd, sub culture of massage palaces…I’ve been around the block a few times in this life, just not the block that had one of these massage palaces. I won’t say my life is now complete, I will say it was possibly the closest to 50 Shades that I will ever be. Just so you know, if you think it’s one of “those places”…it is. Trust yourself and hide your butt.

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Now In Theaters…

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For my next trick….

My life has been a series of bizarre events. My best friend sometimes calls it a giant shit sandwich. But I like to think of it as the makings of a great movie. I like to watch movies and I always assume that they have a major basis in reality. I have lived The Hangover. I have lived All About Steve. I have lived My Girl, Bridesmaids and yes, even Inception. So, I guess that my life and all the weird stuff that happens is all part of the story line. I’m here to learn and entertain.

A few weeks ago my puppy Leo figured out how to escape his crate and lock the bedroom door. I was simultaneously impressed and pissed because he used his alone time to chew stuff and break shit. He shares a room with my 13 year old daughter. What made me laugh was that he waited till she was in the shower to perform his Houdini magic and then lock her out of the bedroom. Her reaction? Typical 13 year old sister annoyed with her little sibling. “Mom! Leo locked me out of MY room!! And I am dripping wet!!!” Like I was going to do something besides laugh hysterically at the situation. I mean come on, we HAVE to be smarter than the puppy….we HAVE to be. HAVE to.

Fast forward, Leo breaks his foot and now sports the cone of shame. Leo, WITH the broken foot AND the cone of shame escapes his crate and locks himself in the bedroom again!!! We have to be smarter than the puppy. HAVE TO BE. What to do….what to do….twist tie!!! Twist tie the crate closed!!! Brilliant!!! And not my idea…one of my smarter-than-the-puppy friends on facebook. And so, twist tie saves the day. Unless we lose the twist tie in which case we use a scarf…which Leo chews thru and escapes again! See, Leo figures this is all for our amusement. He believes we enjoy his magic. On some level we do. We really are impressed, but we are also annoyed as he keeps showing us up.

One night we come home and Leo is in his crate, which is secured with a belt. Ha HA! But…there is poop on the floor in the kitchen which is downstairs. Now this is really REALLY odd. I assume it must be cat poop. No way Leo escaped, pooped in the kitchen, got back into his crate (which is impossible without our help because of the cone) reattached the belt all within the hour we were gone. Had to be the cat. My daughter, who cleaned up the poop, swore it was dog poop. There is just no way! Her theory is that one of the neighbor dogs came in, pooped and left. But the neighbor dogs don’t have my house key. And why would the neighbor dogs be that vindictive? I thought they liked me. As a side note, I am also missing 5 pairs of underwear and a super cute bra. But I digress.

Last night the kids went on an overnight so it was just me and Leo for the night. I moved his crate into my room, took him out (where he pooped) and we settled in for the night. His crate secured with a twist tie. This morning I got up, took him out (where he pooped), brought him in, fed him breakfast, hung out with him while he ate, put him back in his crate, twist tied it and left for a meeting. And HERE’S the weird part (I know you thought all that other stuff was the weird part) I am missing another bra AND there is dog poop on the livingroom floor!!!!!

Apparently there is a bra stealing, dog pooping burglar in the neighborhood! Hide yo panties! Hide yo leashes! I came upstairs and there is Leo right where I left him, IN his crate, twist tie on my desk…ON MY DESK!!!??? Is it possible that Leo is stealing my bras and panties and pooping on the floor and getting back into his crate while I am out???? What is he doing with my bras and panties????

I call my best friend to tell her the latest. She tells me that I need to turn on my alarm system every time I leave the house. I think this is a good plan because I can’t afford new panties. She sighs and says if someone is breaking into my house I have to be careful and I need to have it on at night also. At this point I think of how funny it is that someone would break into my house to leave dog poop and steal my undergarments. She thinks it’s dangerous. I think it’s hysterical that she thinks it’s scary. I ask if I can borrow some undies until CSI is able to get here and analyze the dog poop. She hangs up on me.

Now my real decision is who is going to play me in the movie….